"I try to do my own thing, but then am told I am avoiding skid (uhhh, duh). I try to hang around them, but then am told I am not giving them their space."

That right there makes it difficult. BF is the problem. Not you. Sounds like you are trying. He needs to change. Maybe ask him what he would like you to do to meet in the middle.

the skids come to visit us EOW and thats even too much for me sometimes. i have tried to get to know them, and the daughter is easier to be around than the son, but after trying and getting nothing back, i am over it all and have for quite some time now done my own thing and made other plans every time they come over. and even when i do decide once in a while to stay home while they sit and stare at the tv all weekend long, i get nothing so once again don't care. they're old enough that they can speak up to me if they want, which the son NEVER does. my never being there bothers DH of course, but he knew this is how things were and are so doesn't even bring it up anymore.

I like EOW. It is great now. We had such a crazy schedule when I came on the scene, that I couldn't keep track of where they were. We didn't live together so didn't matter. When we got married I wanted more consistency and so did DH.

What keeps me sane? I try very hard to do something that is just DH and I on the off week w/o SS. We try and do a dinner out at a nice restaurant. I usually don't do much with DH after dinner on the week we have him. I hibernate in my room with the DVR. He watches programs with SS. I love to cook, so usually I give the kids the opportunity to pick something special that they want for me to cook. THis makes SS feel special and I enjoy the process. Last month he craved a plain cheesecake.

I am usually out and about with BS during the week and he is my priority. SS has Karate twice during our week. DH handles that. Lots of things work, but for me, disengaging on the parenting stuff, has really helped.

So how does the EOW thing work? Are they in school? That must mean that you live very near the BM, right? I am just now tangling with the possibility of having my SD full time. She is 14 and has Down Syndrome, overall an easy child, but has never had much in the way of boundaries set for her.She is also very high functioning, so smart enough to be a real pain sometimes, and very stubborn.She has called the shots on everything when we have had her, which is about 30% of the time. Her mother is pretty mental and is sending manipulative texts to my DH about the inevitablity of her moving to a different city, and that my DH 'needs to get ready to take her full time'. I'd be willing to do maybe 50/50, but I am NOT willing to do fulltime. My kids are all grown, and I am SO done raising kids!!...so I am really having a hard time, feeling the noose tighten around my neck. Why can't it be 50/50?. My DH is such a good man, and wants to do right by his DD, including getting her out of a situation that isn't great for her, but why does that include a lifetime sentence for me? One of the big problems I'm having is how to set boundaries with a special needs child who is already spoiled. The other biggie is that this seems like it would be FOREVER.

@ Charity- I do not care what anyone else will say but YOU, my dear should have a say in this full time issue with SD.

It might not be your kid BUT it is your home too. I would divorce my husband if that ever happened or I would end up in a looney bin.

My BD is grown too, (20 yo.) and I too, am so done with raising kids.

Do not think that YOU do not matter. YOU indeed do matter.

I STILL can't get over some of these BM's who do not care where their children live. I could never have done it myself, personally. Even a night was hard on me with BD20.

MOTY's are a joke.

As the weekly schedule is sorted and working much better, perhaps a schedule could work here too? Could your boyfriend and his child set aside an evening(s) to spend some quality time together, just the two of them? Then you could have other evenings (like friday) where the three of you do something together. It might even be useful to start developing a relationship with kiddo so you feel more included when they're with you for the week. You could pick a time to do something together, its doesn't have to take ages or be difficult - like baking a cake or walking the dog. Anything that only you and your stepchild do.

It sounds like you are simply being excluded from the 'family' when your step child is around, no wonder you dread the visits. Tell your partner that you can't stop being family when your stepchild walks in the door. That by telling you 'your not giving us space' makes you feel unwanted. This is your home, if they want space they need to request it or leave the house to be on their own. You can't be expected to dance about until you do what they want.

I had the same problem with my stepson until I told my husband that I didn't feel like I was a part of his family anymore. I felt left out, unimportant and unvalued by the most important people in my life (the people I sacrificed the most for anyway). The simple truth is that you can't be apart of your husband's family without being apart of his children's family. The key thing to remember is that now you're in the picture they won't automatically get quality time together- they need to schedule it. You won't automatically become part of the family until you build a relationship with your stepchild that allows that to happen.

The best way to find happiness in this situation is not to fight against it, but work with it.

Hope this is useful!

Delilah
www.howtolivewithaliens.blogspot.com - a guide to being a happy stepparent.

Thanks, you guys for being supportive, I'm new here as of Today!! and I really appreciate not being alone in this