Looking for advice--feel very alone---thank you-
Hi- I am also new & need help.
I married my DH last year 5/10. We met at work 7 yrs ago. I was single- he was married--told his wife he had strong feelings for me, then told me. They stayed married for 2 years & divorced.
He was divorced for 3 years & I saw him & we married within 9 months (I know).
I am 43-he is 60. He children are 37, 36, 25. Not one of them have met me, will not meet me,or acknowledge our marriage.
I moved out of Boston left my home to live in his new home-2.5 from the city.I am alone a lot as he works as a nurse 3/12 hour shifts in the city & stays at his elderly moms in between..for distance issues.
I have a home close to the city--that I am hanging onto--as it is mine and 20 minutes from my family
My mom is dying my uncle just died, I am being worked up for ovarian cancer.
I am a nurse & was hurt at work very bad, had long term disability that I paid into & it was cut on 12/25. So I have no money-no income.
That said he still asked me for money for the taxes of his home--he covered most-but had me tap into my equity line, as he did as well to fix the car that was mine that I gave him--repairs where $800 (on a new Volvo) said he could not afford it.
He pays most of the bills here--I pay for all of my bills at my other house.
I have consigned my jewelry, sold so much.
I believe I have given him too much, too much money .
His ex-owes him $18,000--to which she has from an inheritance--but they are going back and forth--over pictures.
I want to file for a separation --but I do not know if this is my answer.
The children, the lack of sex (he cannot so it with Viagra), his problem with spending, issues with his ex-wife. I am at my wits end.
I have let myself go..43 a size 6 my WHOLE life have gained 40 pounds since being here, depressed, sad, lay in bed, & lonely, & do not go out--there is no where to go..A cvs is 20 minutes away.
His kids I think are spoiled punks--who will not change. Everyone tells me it is not my problem--not to worry...Hi friends have no respect for me either it is obvious---
Any advice.
Thank you.
Thank you very much. I do
Thank you very much. I do have to have surgery,l and my mom has been given a month to live, it is not a good position to be in.
I am hoping he will help with the bills.
He said to me last night after I said I cannot live like this "soon you will be coming into a lot of money and you will be able to do whatever you want...Seems kind of weird to me.
Any thoughts welcomed.
I don't know your whole
I don't know your whole story, but he sounds a bit money grubbing to me. You may as well accept now that your may never have any kind of relationship with his kids. They will probably blame you for their parents splitting up. But that isn't something I would worry about considering all the other things you have going on in your life.
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with these things. I would quit selling off all of my possessions at once. Go to the SS office and file for disability there since your employer plan is now gone. I don't blame you for holding on to your house.. you may need it. Make sure and protect youself financially.
Thank you so much-- I agree
Thank you so much--
I agree "The love of your life is the one that holds your hand when you need help". "These times may be very telling to you. Who he really is will show when you need him most".
I agree--I by nature at this point am not going to push further--he has given me enough info--I will let it be--and put it in Gods hands..
Ever wonder if the stuff we deal with is the same stuff their former wived dealt with?
Many many thanks..
Molly1020, I identify with
Molly1020, I identify with some of your marital issues - same age difference between DH and I, sexual issues, and I was also thin all my life and gained a lot of weight.
I actually just recently realized that I was having problems with depression, because I am not prone to it by nature I truly didn't understand what was happening. We started out very financially comfortable, and his adult children succeeded in stealing and stripping him of a lot of his money, and I too threw my financial resources in to help him out, not understanding that it was a bottomless pit. If you have any hope of fixing your marriage, if it's salvageable, please stop giving him any money immediately.
You are too isolated, and he sounds like he is exercising too much control. Is your home closer to where he works? Maybe you should be living there and have him contribute 50%, and use his home as a rental property?
FWIW - the comment he made about your mother leaving you money was insensitive at best, until you feel sure about where things will end up with him you may want to speak with an attorney and make sure any money you inherit cannot be considered a joint or community asset. There are ways to protect yourself, including post-nuptial contracts.
Take care, and I hope and pray your good health returns and that you come through this as intact as you can - don't worry about his kids, they are adults and have their own lives. You can't take care of anyone unless you take care of yourself, focus on what you need right now!!
Thank you so much--I feel so
Thank you so much--I feel so less alone--and I feel so alone..
Please see my reply below.
BTW- I love your footnote.
I am so sorry for the
I am so sorry for the position you are in now. I know it must be very difficult for you. I think right now you need to focus on yourself and make yourself happy. Your husband seems to be bleeding you dry and you have nothing left to give. It sounds to me that your husband is not there for you in your time of need and of course, that is his duty as your husband. I can't tell you whether you should leave or stay as that is a personal decision, but if I were you I would take some alone time and really think about what is going to make you happy. All of this stress cannot be helping your health issues. Your husband sounds to be a major cause of your financial issues. It sounds as if you are giving and receiving nothing in return in the time that you most definitely need it the most. Maybe you can take a few days and go to your house and really think and pray (if you are religious) and see what is going to be the best for you.
IMO, this relationship with your husband is not healthy and it angers me that he is not there when you absolutely need him the most yet you are to be there for him financially. I hope you can find your happiness.
I'm with WalkingWounded.
I'm with WalkingWounded. Him commenting on you coming into alot of money soon, was unbelievably insensitive and just shows where his mind is!!
You deserve much better. Take care of yourself. When you start feeling better, you will see things differently and more clearly. Good luck to you. I hope things work out for you!
Sounds like you are all alone out in the boonies! Sometimes it's good to be around family and friends and positive people who love you who will support you. Sounds like he loves money more than anything.
I agree--and I thank you!
I agree--and I thank you!
I suffered major depression
I suffered major depression with my last husband and it sounds like this is what you are going through. And going through cancer can make anyone depressed and I am sorry for that. Seems like you have a lot going on and with the worry of finances and your DH not helping. I think it is time for you to take care of yourself and be around people who love and will help care for you. I have not had cancer so it is hard to give advice on that but I do know that when going through a hard time it is good to be happy with your life as this will ease the pain. If staying with a friend or your mother for a while may help then I would do this. I don't know if you feel weird about staying with her because of your age but this may help you with your health issues and finances or a good friend that will be happy to take you in.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your kind words.
I am trying so hard to stay a float.
I gave him $22,000 out of my equity line months ago to pay off his credit. Tonight I suggested he take one out to pay me back.
He was BS. He says he is there for me as he pays all the bills here at HIS house..I have had it--have so much pain, need 2 surgeries, my Mom is dying my uncle just died..have so much eduction--and gave him my all--and guess what we were married 5/3/10--
I will go back to my home--sleep on the floor--it will give me a way out--it is 20"from my moms and 15" to his work, but he will not stay there as he has to stay with his mother as well--she is 83--and he does 3/12 hour shifts in Boston and stays with her in between--so I am alone at least 3 nights a week and 2.5 hours from my world.
43- wanted kids--have to have a total hyst-d/t cancer risk.
He said he cannot get his head around adoption--
His kids 37, 36, 25 --have not met me--one is having a baby in March and refuses that I be there--not that I want to be..
Again thank you for your kind words...
His friends are having a belated BD party for him--his BD was 12/30 they are having it on my moms BD, I asked them to change it as my Mom is dying and she is grieving the loss of her brother--nope they are having it--a guy thing only..
You are so nice--it is so good to know I am not alone--cause I feel SO alone.
Get friends, join some clubs
Get friends, join some clubs or make some that meet at your house (book club, writing club, crafting club....), get some used furniture back into your city house...try www.freecycle.com
get into counseling, rent out a bedroom in your city house to someone your age that you can relate to. Go into couples counseling. Forget about the stepkids. You should have met them before you married, they should have been invited to the wedding, it doesn't sound like a positive relationship is possible there. At least for now. In a few years, invite them for a BBQ. The grandkids might help the situation. Offer to babysit/have birthday parties/etc.
As for sex...he should get a physical. Is he even trying to satisfy you? If not, this is a bad sign. You can't go sexless forever. It's just not fair. Is he affectionate at all? See a lawyer about your financial situation. You could end up in a divorce and have to give HIM your house/inheritance. Most have initial session free or there are free call in radio shows or you could google free estate advice.