Hopefully the issues causing your resentment with SD will end when she finally moves out but that might not be the case because she will most likley continue these types of retaliation etc only at a distance and your H will most likely continue being blissfully unaware of what SD does or doesn't do. For some reason these guilty Dads just can not admit that their darlings could do these things on purpose! Despite my having disengaged my adult steps are still bent on revenge towards both their father and myself. After recently learning how closely linked to BM they both are I do not see our situation ever ending up well.

I certainly hope that you have better luck than I have had in this regard. I am interested in your progress regarding this as I am struggling with the same issue.

I went through this yesterday while we were at lunch with friends. Everything DH said I wanted to snap at him. I held my tongue a good percentage of the time but the urge was there. I guess the resentment and disgust is still there for his lack of back bone and committment to making the marriage first. He SAYS he gets it now but I wonder if it is too late. I am seeing a therapist so hopefully can work it out.

I think it's because we see what sorry excuses our DH's are for fathers. They are otherwise good men, productive members of society. However, when it comes to their kids, especially ADULT daughters, they are just sorry. It takes away some of our respect for them, doesn't it?

I know, for me, the longer I am in this relationship, and the more I see him approving of everything SD24 does, the less respect I have for him. I just don't see how he can be so blind to her games. There is always some kind of self-made drama going on, and he falls right for her stories.

I love DH, and he really is a good man, he's just a lousy father.

Unfortunately Shannon I'm in the same boat you are. My SD21 moved back in with us 2 months ago, and its been a terrible ordeal. We have previously kicked her out twice before for horribly bad behavior, and yet my DH let her back in our house -- yet again. And yes, I am getting more and more resentful every day towards my DH, unfortunately. Like many others here, mine is a good man in many ways too, but she walks all over him, and he lets her. Drives me nuts.

I too am afraid she will destroy our marriage, or that once she moves out that we will be left with the pieces to try and pick up after she is gone. My mom always taught me to not hate people, and to forgive, so I am constantly working on not hating her and trying to forgive her. I do a LOT of praying, etc, but I am so frustrated and angry nearly every day. I had to go back on anti-depressants to help me, and have anxiety meds to help on the really bad days. Prior to getting married, I was med free.

I was gone for almost a week last week house sitting for a friend, and it was pure bliss being gone. I did miss the other kids because they are actually good to me (for the most part). I do have concerns that she is working on poisoning them against me -- I have reason to believe that she has tried.

I keep telling my DH "I want her gone!" I guess he wants her to do something horribly terrible like assault me before he will kick her out. Calling me mental, calling me "that woman", ignoring me, shunning me, being a bitch, not helping around the house, generally being a lazy butt, acting like a child, telling him that she doesn't like him, saying our home is unhealthy for her, (plus so much more), isn't sufficient enough to make him tell her to get out. Good grief, how much abuse DO we have to put up with?

I, too, am sorry you're going through this, and wish I had the answers for you. I can definitely empathize with you.

LOTS AND LOTS OF THERAPY, for you and for him, and for both of you. AND get him to read STEPMONSTER. It was our marriage's life savor. My DH woke up from the spell he was under and realized he wasn't putting me FIRST in his life, and that is why all hell was breaking lose at any given time. Once we got through the book, it was time for a really solid Therapist, someone who is using the same techniques on me that they use on soldiers who come home from war and have had serious trauma. LOTS of relaxation therapy. And my DH goes by himself once a week, just so the Therapist can teach him how to treat women in general. He's had that ALL WRONG his entire life.

Don't go to someone who's going to give you the same stuff you already know. You want someone who's going to give you tools and teach you both how to have a healthier relationship. TOOLS is KEY.

I am in a similar, yet different, situation.

Although my skids were very good kids, good grades and everything (I say 'were' because SD got pregnant and had a baby at 16), I am having a major problem with resentment towards H.

The start was when BM kicked out SD and she came to live with us (she was 15). BM called three days later (someone must have reminded her of the CS), and threatened to call the cops if we didn't bring SD back to her place. H did. I was flabbergasted. BM had threatened to beat up SD. I couldn't IMAGINE letting my own child go back to a situation like that because of a threat. [His side was that he was trying to 'teach' everyone that you need to follow what a CO says. Since CO says BM has primary physical, that's why he took her back.]

When SD had her baby, we went to visit in the hospital. SD cried and said that she didn't think we'd come (????????). After that visit, BM made sure that she was constantly there and would not allow me in the room at all and would not allow H to visit SD without BM being there. SD came over for a baby shower and then brought the baby over Father's Day.

Since Father's Day 2010, she has not responded to any texts, voicemails or emails from either of us and won't answer the phone if she sees it's one of our numbers [I know this because I called from my work phone & she answered. Her excuse was she's 'busy.']

H has not and will not do anything further to confront the situation. He will not call BM. He will not go to SD's work. He has given up on her and says that she is like her mother.

I don't think that enough has been done on his end to totally write the girl off (AND his only grandchild!)

This has played a quite a part in decreasing my respect for H. Between that and the verbal abuse, I am done.

Yeah, I'm feeling resentment toward my DH. The way I see it, if he allows his child to disrespect me, then he is disrespecting me as well. Which means the problem is really not with SD, it is with DH. I'm not sure how to get over that.

He also needs to talk to her about the divorce and how it affected his relationship with her. THIS is where the root of the problem lies. She doesn't want to show anger toward her parents for the divorce and transfers it to you.

Thanks for bringing up the issue of transference. I don't know why I never thought of that before.

shannon61 -- your SD sounds like mine. My DH keeps having "talks" with her and nothing changes. Today, he asked her to vacuum the upstairs, the stairs and the downstairs hallway. Would take her 5 mins. maybe. She did a crappy job and now I have to do it myself. He had to follow behind her to make sure she got the carpet in all the spots. He's had to do this when she washes dishes because she doesn't use soap when we ask her to wash dishes. She is almost 22 years old! She is so lazy and sits on her butt most of the time. She works part-time at a sandwich shop.

My husband says she wants nothing more than to get out of our house. I said bull. If that was the case she wouldn't be sitting on her ass on her days off doing nothing. She'd be out looking for a second job trying to save up money to get out of our house. She stays because we enable her to sit on her ass and do nothing all day long. She stays up late, doesn't have to follow the curfew rules that my husband has set out for her, she sleeps until 3:00 in the afternoon, and if she works, will go to work, then come home, make her mess, stay up late, go out and do it all again. Lay around on her lazy ass --- why in the world would she want to change that when she has us to mooch off of.

She can be disrespectful to us -- laugh and joke about it and say "i'm just joking" and then we are made to feel stupid because she is "just joking" -- I call her on it even if she does that. She made some comment today about assaulting her dad "jokingly." And I said, well at least you'd have some place new to stay because the police would give you a new residence. Of course I'm laughing when I say it.

I lock my bedroom door at night because she is so moody and wacked, and kind of freaks me out. I found a 3 inch long bladed knife in her room one day when I was looking for dishes in the kids' rooms. Another day she made mention that she carries a knife. She is also in the national guard and mentions that she handles a gun and how good she is with a gun (like people should be scared of her). Scares me that they would even think of giving her a gun.

I tell my husband nearly every day "I want her gone." I keep telling him (told him again today) that I want him to talk to her and remind that she she is to move out at the end of June. We told her 6 months was the max she could live with us. My thinking is that she can go rent a room from someone from that point forward. She needs to get out and on her own, and start living like an adult. We aren't doing her any favors by letting her live with us. She has no responsibilities at all. And he is not helping her by letting her live with us.

He did have a talk with her, but I've seen not much change in her since that talk because there is no follow-through on his part. I just want her gone. I would be perfectly happy if she was out of my life forever and never had to see her again. I feel bad that I feel this way about his child -- but I do love and enjoy his other children. This one is just mean spirited, nasty, and definitely brings a negative energy to our home -- and I want her gone so bad I could spit!

I did ask my husband one time, "how would you feel if this was my daughter doing these things to you?" Put yourself in my shoes. I don't think he could handle the things that I've been through -- I really don't. I do think the prayer has been helping. We went and had a meeting with our pastor because I was on the verge of leaving a couple of weeks ago, and my pastor happened to call on an especially bad day and said "how are you." A flood of tears followed and I scheduled an appointment for my husband and I. Basically during that appointment, my husband began to see how much this was hurting me.

The good thing has been that the oldest hasn't been around much either the last almost 2 weeks, which has been nice, and when she has been home, she just stays in her room -- which is fine by me. Today and Friday was the most contact I'd had with her in almost 2 weeks, and I can tell you, it was enough. When she talks its like finger nails on a chalkboard, and all I want to do is to tell her to shut up. She makes no sense and she talks non stop about nonsense. I seriously think she has some mental issues.

My husband was trying to have a rational conversation (not possible) with her on Friday, and I finally told him to please stop because it was getting out of hand. Trying to have a rational conversation with an irrational person is impossible. And then she starts making derrogatory digs at us as people, and towards me that are passive aggressive type comments that make me want to go over and slap her -- that it was time that the conversation be stopped.

Okay, thanks for letting me rant and thanks for listening.

I can totally relate. My DF does not ever stand up for me it seemss, especially when one of the skids are disrespectful. When i point out why i am upset then he sees the point, but we have the same discussions a lot. i am tired of having to point out the same things bc i feel like I nag. when we are in the presence of skids I have to hold my tongue, but in my head I feel like punching them. I agree with the posters that suggest therapy. Even if all you do is vent.

I can't imagine. I dream of the day FSD grows up and moves out on her own. I don't know what I would do if she wanted to move back in as an adult. If that isn't a nightmare I don't know what is!!