You are here

Ways to survive the emotional roller coaster.

kerryann67's picture

Submitted by kerryann67 on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 11:42am

Forums: 
General Discussion

Sometimes when I'm really upset over the latest BM or SS12 drama, I read these posts and they really validate my feelings. However, I find myself feeling just as angry and resentful afterward. I thought it would be great if we could all post some ideas on how to survive the emotional roller coaster that disrupts our lives, causes intense stress and depression, and otherwise makes us feel like crap.

I believe that these people are only part of the reason that I feel so miserable, but it's also my own mind which ruminates on it after it's all been done. It's normal to do that... it's our minds trying to find ways to solve a problem, and my body's biological response to get sick to my stomach and pump adrenaline is a natural reaction. But I can't live feeling this way, and only I can control how I feel.

So let's throw down some survival suggestions. Anyone??

Here are some of mine, so far.

1. I go to AA meetings (for my own alcoholism, obviously) which helps me get out of myself and help other alcoholics.
2. I pray and ask God to take all my problems and stresses into His hands and handle it for me. I imagine myself fully giving it over to Him.
3. I talk to myself while I'm driving and say things that make me feel better, as if I'm saying something to soothe my very best friend.
4. I make a mental gratitude list and allow myself to really feel grateful for each thing.
5. I opt out of many things involving my SS12 and DH. I tell them it's because I want them to have quality time together. I get the house to myself and enjoy the peace! DH often comes home frustrated or angry after dealing with SS, and I feel grateful that I've dodged a bullet.
6. When SS12 comes over on his days or evenings, I choose that time to spend with my friends or go shopping by myself. I choose not to view it as "being pushed out of my house," but rather, keeping a balance. It's CRITICAL to keep friendships going so I feel supported no matter what happens at home.
7. Instead of getting offended that my SS complains about my cooking, I just keep making the three things he likes when he's there. It's easier on me anyway.
8. I use humor whenever possible, and not bitterness. I can't allow them to turn me into someone I'm not, no matter how angry I get. That way, if the marriage deteriorates over this nonsense, at least I will still have respect for myself.
9. If I need to get away, I take my dog for a long walk. I ADORE my dog so this makes me feel good, and I get to work out some stress while I"m at it.

Even with all this, I still get super stressed. So any additional suggestions would help. I think it would also be healthy if it didn't involve violence toward others. LOL

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 11:49am

Well, I was going to suggest alcohol, but I guess that's not an option in your case.

I try to keep to myself when my SS16 visits. I interact very much with him during our commute from BM's house to our house and back (about an hour each way) but while we are actually AT our house, I let NN spend time with SS without me being around - unless we are playing board games or things like that.

Otherwise, I do all the things that I love to do but normally can't for various reasons.

Things like taking a nice long hot bubble bath with candles. Reading my favorite author's newest book. Getting on the computer. Play with the pet(s).

Depending on how NN is acting, sometimes I will fantasize about choking him...oh, I'm sorry, now I'm getting into the violent part which you didn't want either!

kerryann67's picture

Submitted by kerryann67 on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 11:55am

LOL, I love it!!

I don't get too involved with playing board games or anything either. It would just tick me off. That is my time to do something else completely.

kerryann67's picture

Submitted by kerryann67 on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 4:47pm

Leave. Go for a walk, take a bath, put in ear plugs, take a nap, but whatever you do... lokc your door... often. LOL

wriggsy's picture

Submitted by wriggsy on Thu, 03/17/2011 - 2:53pm

My destressors are long hot baths, a really good book or Monday night's on Food Network (I LOVE Diners, Drive-ins and Dives and Kid in a Candy Store!) If things are really tense, I take my DD and we go to our house and give everyone some space...

I also talk to myself a lot...probably look like a nutso half the time, but it's a habit. I also wear my iPod at work...I have my own stand alone office, so I can sing it up, as long as I hear my phone when it rings, my boss is ok with it.

Milomom's picture

Submitted by Milomom on Sat, 03/19/2011 - 5:30pm

Hi kerryann67!

I think this is a GREAT POST!!! Your list of "survival tactics" is VERY (eerily) similar to mine (except #1) - ESPECIALLY your #2!

I have found myself using prayer as a MAJOR part of my survival in this crazy world we lovingly call Stepparenting!! I do the EXACT same thing you do - and I believe that it WORKS!!

When I have had any major problem/stress with either my FDH, skids or especially BM/exW-related, I "give it up to God". I don't remember who exactly taught me that concept, but IT WORKS for me! I just say a prayer, lift the problem(s)/stress(es) that I'm encountering that day up to God and give it to Him, ask Him to take care of it for me (or ask for the strength and/or faith to deal with it the best way possible) and thank Him.

I think the rest of your list is chock full of great suggestions, but I have to say that #2 is one that I can relate to best and have used quite often in dealing with the past 7+ years of everything that is BM/exW or skid related.

The only other suggestion I have to add to your "survival tactics" list is:

PUT YOURSELF FIRST, 100% of the time. HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF & LOVE YOURSELF. I'm not saying to be a SELFISH person in a bad way (that's a much different concept) - I'm saying KNOW YOUR OWN SELF-WORTH, HAVE HIGH SELF-ESTEEM, WORRY FIRST ABOUT YOURSELF when in a situation that seems out-of-control and stressful. KNOW WHAT YOU DESERVE AND WHAT YOUR "LIMITS" ARE - WHAT YOU WILL TAKE (and more importantly, what you WON'T) and KNOW WHAT YOU STAND FOR.

I think that all too often and all too easily, we SM's "lose ourselves" in the whole Stepparenting "vortex", if you will. We get so caught up in the lives of our DH's/FDH's/SO's and their kids and the exW/BM drama, that we don't spend enough time on OURSELVES, doing things that help US and that make US happy. KWIM???