5 year old told dad she wants to be his girlfriend
I am a 25 year old woman, dedicated to my boyfriend and his daughter. I am living with my boyfriend and his 5 year old daughter (who comes over mainly on weekends). He and his ex have been split up for over 2 years and I have been living with them for about 9 months. I am looking for some advice on how to deal with a 5 year old as a step mother. His daughter and I have a good relationship with normal ups and downs... but nothing I am overly concerned about at this point. My question is about the normal behavior of 5 year old girls, especially those in a separated family and what I can do to help. As I have no children of my own I'm not sure the normal behavior of kids this age. I have been researching a lot on the internet, but I still have a ton of questions.
Recently my boyfriend's daughter has been displaying some sexual activity towards boys her age. We were told by her BM that she was hiding boys under her bed and asking them to touch her (as far as I know it wasn't in her private area but more asking for caressing of her body and kisses.) She has in the past asked me to play some kissing game with her and to caress her body in an inappropriate way. I made sure to tell her that is not an appropriate game and I suggested we play something else. She has also been talking to me about how boys like to kiss and lick the woman's private area... although when I asked her who taught her that she didn't tell me. Though one time she walked in on her dad and I naked in bed and told us that she knew we were doing what her mom and her boyfriend do (yikes!!!). What I'm really concerned about is that recently when we were spending time together she told her father (in front of me) that she wanted to be his girlfriend. I'm not sure what to think about that. Is it normal for 5 year old girls to say something like that? Do you think it will turn into a more serious problem in the future? How do we curb that behavior and tell her the difference between girlfriends and daughters.... is it even appropriate at her age?
I notice from her some jealous behavior from her once and a while and I'm wondering if that could be part of the reason she is wanting to be daddy's girlfriend. My boyfriend tends to ignore the behavior and continue to show us both affection hoping that it is a phase that will pass if not acknowledged . I assume that if she displays some jealous behavior some of the time with me that it is a normal part of adjusting to her daddy and a relatively new woman in her life, but I definitely don't want her to continue with that behavior growing up.
Do you have any experience with any of these things, or any advice you can share with me about dealing with a little girl her age? What has been your experience in entering into a relationship with children this age?
Thanks in advance for all of your comments and thoughts,
I'm starting from scratch here and I really want to put my all into this family...
The girl needs a counselor,
The girl needs a counselor, therapist, or someone to talk to, to try to get it out of her where she is learning these things. That is not behavior children are born with, it is learned. If your bf cares about his daughter, he needs to step in and find out who is teaching her this stuff.
When my BD was young (like
When my BD was young (like maybe 3 or so) She said she wanted to marry her Daddy. It was cute, but quickly was told that those things can't happen. As far as the other stuff. Ya'll need to figure out where it is coming from. DO NOT let her have boys in her room (i don't know if BM would be on board with this) And maybe take a break from her playing with these boys. This is so not normal.
Here's the story. I found out at 5 yrs old my niece was putting her mouth on a boys pee pee. My Sis-in-law found this out because she caught them behind a chair & the boy saying for her to put his tongue in her mouth. Found out about all the other stuff. Boy was 1 yr older and lived a few houses away. HE was the one who instigated it all & was exposed to this stuff by his parents.
I would try to gain her trust - YOU because you are not her parent. Let her know that she can tell you anything & you promise to not get mad at her. The sexual things, kissing, caressing -- so not normal. I hope she will open up to you!
I can only say I have a
I can only say I have a teenage bio daughter and a 10 yr old SD and neither of them ever remotely displayed any type of behavior like that or said anything like that. I would be extremely concerned and would take them to a counselor ASAP. You are right to hear the warning bells. I think young children are clueless about such things until someone puts it in their head.
Good luck....
Thanks for the advice, now I
Thanks for the advice, now I know that for a lot of kids the marrying your parents thing might be normal and they will learn the different types of love as they grow up. We do stress that daughters can not be daddy's girlfriends.
But now that I'm thinking about the sexual things I'm remembering some other stuff that was happening with the little one. She told her mother that her dad and I were doing sexual things in front of her (which NEVER happened... not even a remote possibility of her seeing us or hearing us in the act, it was LATER that she saw us naked together... but nothing was happening). And recently she told her mother that she was watching movies with naked people in them with her dad at our house.
She has seen a psychologist at her school who seemed to think that the girl is displaying manipulative behavior but the psych told her mother that she didn't think the girl had a real reason to see a psychologist. This is all stuff we hear from her mother... who isn't exactly a trustworthy person, but I think she takes pretty good care of her daughter when she is around.
Where in the hell does she come up with this stuff?? I know she is a smart little girl, but the sexual stuff is just mind boggling to me. How does she even know there are movies with naked people in them?? Why does she want to say that about her dad to her mother?
Hopefully things become more clear in the future... but I'm not sure quite how we go about this, as the mother is clear that she will never let the little girl live with us full time... my bf and her don't have a great relationship.
Confused, but I appreciate all the insight!!
I remember being told when I
I remember being told when I was little that I needed to stop asking my adult uncle to be my boyfriend. My mother told me that I was too big to sit on his lap...I think I was 6 at the time.
My SD who is now 7 went through something similar, although not to that extent when she was 5. She mainly had her eye on her brother as her "boyfriend" and after having explaining that NO he is not, nor will he EVER be her BF, everything else was nipped in the bud. I also started making her wear shorts under her dresses because she started being VERY inappropriate in public places of the house...she was actually playing with herself. Really grossed me out!
She had other bizzar behavior but I didn't let it get very far as everytime she brought up boyfriends I would laugh and ask in a shocked voice if she was in high school yet. We made it into a bit of a joke...now she tells people her list of what she's allowed to do and when.
Boyfriend-when she's in high school
Hair in face (ala emo)-12 years old
Purple hair-when she's paying her own rent
Her bizzar behavior has stopped & now there are other issues to deal with...fun, fun!
I do agree though, a counselor would be a great idea! We are going to get both Skids in too.
What I'm concerned about is
What I'm concerned about is where and how she learned about this stuff. Was she exposed to it? Or worse, did someone do it to her?
Here's a link about some of the symptoms of sexual abuse in kids. You should also google "signs of molestation in children." You'll get a lot of helpful results:
http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:ilchB4I9HpAJ:www.ch...
Here's a link for how to talk to kids about it:
http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:LE74a0kwFQsJ:www.ra...
I hope and pray everything will be ok for her.
Oh my. At 5? That would scare
Oh my. At 5? That would scare me! My stepsons are 5 and know nothing sexual. They are starting to think their penis is funny and one thinks a girl is cute but nothing sexual at all
Yeah the girl lives with her
Yeah the girl lives with her mother, her mom's 2 teenage sisters and her grandparents... her mom has a boyfriend too. The girls mother is not often around and I think the teenagers are often put in charge of putting her to bed etc... and no one in the house seems to be happy about taking care of a 5 year old that is not their daughter (like I said, the mom isn't often around). There definitely seems to be opportunity for some of these things to happen. I had never thought about something this serious, and it really scares me. Thanks for the input... I will definitely have a talk with my boyfriend about this.
My bios never acted that
My bios never acted that precociously, however VD did (SD12)at that age (5) and she's genuinely WARPED beyond repair in every way, shape and form.
The key is how is your BF reacting?
Here is a list of NO NOs:
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
I am worried about the things
I am worried about the things I said yes to... although I can genuinely say no to almost all of them.
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
When I first came into the relationship it was common that they would sleep in the same bed... he said that she wasn't used to sleeping alone at night (due to their previous living situation they didn't have space for the both of them so they shared a room with 2 beds pushed next to each other). It made me uncomfortable and I said that I didn't want her sleeping with us... after all, she's 5. I asked him if it was even her who wanted to share a bed or if it was him. He said he didn't know. She now seems fine sleeping by herself in her own room but sometimes she wants to sleep in the same bed (and she is allowed once and a while with my permission).
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
Not usually. Once and a while yes, but not every night.
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?
MMmmmm, I don't know if she seems stunted. I honestly don't get much time around her and other children. But what I do notice is that she doesn't like to eat... most of the time we have to make her, and she doesn't like to clean herself after she goes to the bathroom.. but she never says why. But she goes to bed at a regular time and from what I can tell she usually plays well with other kids.
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
No he doesn't seem that way...
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
Definitely not.
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
No.
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern.
No, he's always receptive to my concerns.
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
No she's sometimes needy when there are no kids around to play with... always asking for dad etc. But she doesn't go crazy when he's away... but she does sometimes lay all over him which to me is weird.
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
Mmmmm, she can do things herself, like put on her clothes and brush her hair and teeth... I don't notice her wanting too much help from him. But she does still want help from him in the shower (he wears his boxers but still takes showers with her).
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
No, he encourages her to try things and helps her to learn new things.
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
No, he's not afraid to tell her no, and sticks up for himself.
At 5 years old I would be
At 5 years old I would be EXTREMELY concerned about this behavior. Someone is telling her these things, either directly or indirectly, and that's not acceptable or normal. Talk to your BF and he needs to confront his ex and this kid probably needs therapy.
I would be concerned with
I would be concerned with that behavior. It doesn't sound like a normal type of behavior this is learned somewhere. I went on a boat with my SO's friends. His best friend took his four year old son. This is the second time I have met this kid. My so hit my on my butt and told me to wake up and this kid came up behind me and hit me also on the butt. I didnt think it was odd because he had just seen my SO do it so I wrote it off. Then he kept hitting me on my back, leg, arm and just everywhere. I kept telling him no and my SO did to and his friend just sat there. Then he started calling me his girlfriend. I was no I am not your to young for girlfriend hoping his dad would hear me and tell this kid to stop. He didnt. I started rubbing my SO's back and this kid screamed at me 'Girlfriend stop or I am going to kill you'....................um yea so who knows where this behavior comes from or where it will lead to. It is scary lol
While it is normal for kids
While it is normal for kids to experiment, especially with one another, the behavior she is displaying along with her seemingly advanced knowledge of sexual acts is a bit odd to me. My fiance and I are obviously planning our wedding and SD3 is definitely jealous of that. She threw a tantrum when we were taking our engagement pictures, even though my mom was there to distract her and she adores her grandma. She has often told me that she is marrying daddy. I explained to her that she can't marry daddy because he is her father and too old. I explained that when she is an adult, she will find a man she loves and can marry him. She doesn't really get it but I still like to explain things to her since one day she will understand. I think it's good that you tell her her "game" is inappropriate and play something else with her but you probably should try to find out where she is learning about sex. She obviosuly had a lot more knowledge about sex than she should at that age. I know this is something no one wants to think about but is there a possibility she is being sexually abused by someone? It just seems really odd that she is asking to be caressed, kissed, and knows about oral at that age... Just be safe and check into it. Good luck!
A lot of kids want to marry
A lot of kids want to marry their parents when they grow up. They love mommy and daddy and don't see the difference between the kind of love adults in a relatioship have, and the kind of love adults have with their children. It's normal, but you and your boyfriend need to tell her that she's can't be daddy's girlfriend because he's her daughter and you're his girlfriend and it's a different kind of love.
However, the sexual behavior is unbelievably upsetting. All kids discover their bodiesin different ways. And it's normal for kids to be curious about it. However, the sexual knowledge, and actually commiting sexual acts is a really bad sign. It could possibly mean that there is something going on that you don't know about. Don't jump to conclusions, and make sure to explain to your boyfriend that these behaviors are not normal, and that whatever is causing them needs to addressed. Get that little girl counseling. Because if someone is hurting her, then the longer that you wait, the worse off she will be.
It sounds like you got a man who knows how to be a good father, and it sounds like his little girl loves him, which makes you lucky.
as far as the sexual
as far as the sexual knowledge; some pedophiles will "groom" younger children by making sex play and sex talk seem "normal". whether or not she is right now being actively abused she is most definitely being groomed by someone.
you really, really need to get her into counseling. let her father know how serious this is, there is no way to tell how bad it is without her opening up about it. also,the fact that she doesn't want to clean herself could be that she IS actively being abused and there is some shame or physical pain going on.
wanting to marry dad sounds like typical little kid stuff but everything else is truly alarming. seriously, get her some help before it gets worse. if you guys don't help and protect her RIGHT AWAY she will be hateful, rightfully, for the rest of her life.
DH should call CPS and ask
DH should call CPS and ask for the name of a sexual abuse crisis center. He should have daughter interviewed there. If she tells them who is teaching her this stuff or doing things to her, the interviewer can testify in court.
"She has also been talking to
"She has also been talking to me about how boys like to kiss and lick the woman's private area... although when I asked her who taught her that she didn't tell me."
What???!!! I have a 5 yr old and he would never ever say anything like this. And boys are much more aware of their sexual part IMO. This girl really sounds like she is being molested. What adult or teenage men have easy access to her? Is mom's boyfriend a possibility? You need to really find out because this poor little girl is likely being abused.
Her sexual behavior is not normal at all. I'm really worried that someone is abusing her. Her behavior really indicates that.
The girlfriend thing is completely normal. My 5 yr old has said several times that he wants to marry me. It's an adorable stage, I remember thinking this way about my brother myself.
It's probably coming from the
It's probably coming from the teen aunts. But she definitely needs to be seen by a doctor both for a physical and mental check.
I've known grown men who didn't know about oral sex and yet this 5yo does.