Help with 10yo SD please
Hi All
I will have to give you a bit of background info first so hopefully my post makes sense. My 10yo SD asked recently if she could go to a Blue Light Disco (underage disco). My DH and I discussed it and decided that we weren't comfortable with her going (I have a lot of say with my SK'S as I am a CSM and my husband works NS). We know they are montitored at the discos but my DH and I have both had bad experiences with them. Don't get me wrong SD is pretty much allowed to go to every party and outing she is invited to, we are not overly strict but this was something we felt she didn't need to go to. We even suggested that she organies a sleepover on the night of the disco with her other friend who wasn't allowed to go, so that she still got to do something that night.
Anyway SD has gone to visit BM for the holidays (she only gets to see her BM a couple of times a year!) We called her to say hi last night as she has been away for almost a week. Over the phone SD told me that she went to a Blue Light Disco. I wasn't sure how to react because I know BM listens to the phone calls and will start yelling and swearing in the background if she doesn't like what we are saying!!! So I told my SD we would discuss it when she got home 
The thing that gets me too is that she told me in away that wasn't like she was sorry, it was like "HA mum let me do it!"
Now normally children are told to listen to their parents, but in our situation we have custody, BM see's the kids once in a blue moon. Never calls them for birthdays, holidays etc. So I don't give her the same level of say so as an 'active' parent. She has also put their safety at risk and we have had to involve the authorities, so I would not expect that this outing was supervised in any way.
I guess my question is ... what do we do from here? Do we give her the riot act? If so what sort of punishment would be suitable. And if we punish her, is it just going to make her want to live with her BM? We can't talk to BM as she is not reasonable at all, and does these things on purpose - to cause a fight, or to try and be the cool parent.
I don't want to end up with a teenage SD in a couple of years that expects me to support her, financially and emotionally, but to be able to go and do whatever she wants at her BM's house. I know that BM encourages her other 13yo D to get drunk etc. I DO NOT WANT A MESSED UP PREGNANT TEENAGE SD IN MY HOUSE! Which is where it is heading if SD doesn't see that we set boundaries because we care. Also I have just had a DD with my DH and I would be the same with her - no Blue Light Discos - and I told my DH that I will not have one set of rules for SD and one set for DD. Aren't we always told to treat them the same as we would our bio kids!!??
I sort of regret saying it but I told my DH that if this continues as she gets older - patrying at her BM'S then as time goes on getting drunk etc, I want her to leave. I think it is bad enough that she is so influenced by the BM (7yo SS dsoesn't even want anything to do with BM) I will not have BM'S influence affecting any of the other kids in our house ... is this wrong?
Sorry for the long post
It strikes me that if you are
It strikes me that if you are the custodial parent and your SD only sees her BM twice a year, then you and your partner will be having a lot more influence over SD and her behaviour than her BM, so don't start fretting about teenage preganancy yet!
SD probably thought she was being clever getting her BM to allow something she knew you wouldn't allow, and the BM probably thought so too.
I think when she gets home you should just say to her that you understand she was allowed to go to the disco, but you will not allow it, and that is not going to change. You cannot really expect to control everything that goes on at the BMs house. But make it clear to SD that you are disappointed that she chose to do something she knows you would have disapproved of, and if appropriate explain why you disapprove of it. She should understand you have her protection and best interests at heart. It will become obvious to her in time that her BM doesn't.
Thanks Kes That seems like a
Thanks Kes
That seems like a calm but firm way to deal with it (which is the sort of parent I try to be). Sometimes I think as a CSM you kid yourself. You have the skids fulltime and start believe that you r their mum in some ways, and then the BM pulls rank whenever they want and sometimes it hurts. I don't know how else to explain it, except that you feel used, by both the skids and BM. It's not SD'S fault though, kids will be kids. Thank you for calming me down a bit lol
I too am a CSM, SD is 16. We
I too am a CSM, SD is 16. We have this problem with BM (has summer & holiday visitation; she loves to be her buddy and friend. SD is held accountable for her behavior and is expected to live up to our expectations regardless of what BM deems appropriate. I would hold her accountable - she knew she was not allowed to go - with acknowledging she told the truth (even if it was HA HA in your face) & she had BM's okay. Tell her you have a higher standard of accountability and she will be held to it no matter where she is, or who she's with. I wouldn't make the punishment terrible but you need to get across to her now that she can't manipulate the situation.
As for pregnancy, I made it quite clear I ain't raising nobody else's baby & she's be shipped out to BMs before she could get out her due date. Not to mention they make shots to prevent this which you can watch being administered.
Our BM pulls stunts like this
Our BM pulls stunts like this all the time. We have SS18 full time. He is supposed to go to BM EOW when we DONT have SD10. Lately, he goes months w/o seeing BM. However in the beginning every time he went over to BM's house he'd come home with some new crap. He pierced both ears once. We made him take them out. He came home with a mohawk once, we shaved it off. It was BM's way of saying "I'm the mom, he's my son and if I'm ok with it, you don't have any say." My DH read BM the riot act. And eventually SS18 figured out that WE had final say in what he was doing. Just a few weeks ago, SS18 called me to ask if he could go play basketball at the gym. I said sure. Turns out, he actually went to NY to hang out with his friends. He had lunch with BM and then went back home. When I found out, I confronted him about it. He apologized and realized it was a stupid thing to do. All he had to do was tell me he was going to NY, he didn't have to lie about it. But the BM TRULY started texting people asking them if they had been the ones to tell me that SS was in NY. Apparently, SHE was all too happy to cover for him and LIE. It's sad when parents do things like that. Like seriously, stop thinking about yourself and think about YOUR CHILDS well being for once would ya!
Ground her when she gets
Ground her when she gets home. She knew she wasn't suppose to go and so what if BM told her she could, she lives with you. Explain to her you'll watch her like a hawk when she visits BM now and she has to follow the rules of the home even when she's not there.