Am I making something out of nothing??? <HELP>
I am seriously starting to believe that my SS12 gets pissed when his dad and I get along and will do anything to get between us. Most recently, his dad came home from work on Tuesday with a surprise for me (a pair of shoes I have been wanting for a while, but refused to buy because they were expensive) and you could see the 12 year olds mood go from fine to sulky/pissed. He immediately clammed up and had this sour look on his face and sat there, wouldn't talk and pretended to watch TV. Now this is a kid who is constantly talking and going "hey daaaaad" 20 times a day at the top of his lungs. So I could tell something was wrong. i didn't call it out out or make a big deal of it.. I just let it pass hoping it was just my imagination and not my intuition kicking in. Well, later that night we start rounding up the troops for bedtime - something we are working very hard to keep consistent and set a schedule in place (my daughter is on auto pilot - his boys fight it every step of the way). My daughter at 8:45 brushes her teeth and hops in bed to read for 15 minutes, the 9 year old starts screwing with things in his room and is delaying the process, and the 12 year old starts following his dad around for 15 minutes telling him all about the book he is going to read in every detail to the point where it is ridiculously obvious that he is trying to stall his bedtime as well. Now, typically, the kids do their bedtime ritual and the adults pack lunches while they do this - we then tuck them in and we do grown up things (pay bills, talk about things - have our daily "down time"). However because the 12 year old decided to follow his dad around for 15 minutes it set us back in our schedule.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not jealous and can flex our routines when necessary - it's not like things have to always be a certain way or I freak out. However, the kid has done his on more than one occasion where he knows the schedule and he knows I need his dad doing stuff and he deliberately comes in and pulls him away and drags out things..
Again, last night this happened. Dinnertime. I serve up everything and me and the hubby are putting it out on the table. It's no secret that it's dinnertime. SS12, who was just told - hey, it's dinnertime - walks into the living room with his homework folder and says "hey daaaaaaad!!! I need you to help me with this homework" and sits on the couch. Dad looks at it and sits on the couch with him. I'm like "it's dinnertime".. dad says "it's too hot to eat - let it cool off".. mind you, the other kids are sitting at the table waiting to eat. I'm like "no, you guys can do that after dinner".. dad argues with me that "the food is too hot and if his boy needs help with his homework, then he is going to help his boy".... I walk away at this point because I am pissed. About 5 minutes later they sit down and dinner is awkward to say the least.
What I want to know is, am I crazy for letting this get to me? Or is this just one small element to a much larger issue (because trust me, there are many issues associated with blending this family)..
Advice.. Insight.. Anything.. please!!
My comment is, you have the
My comment is, you have the right to your feellings. As you knnow what was going on after the childs reaction to you getting something from your husband, if pointing it out to your husband will not work and just cause more problems, then I would at last confront your husband regarding the disrespect that he is teaching the kids when he says things like that. Regardless of temperature of the food why is that one child above doing what the others are doing, which is sitting at the table like he was asked too. I've experienced that more than oncr with my Sd, and I finally said "if I go to the trouble of fixing a meal and you chose not to sit and easy when I say it is ready, then you apparently don't need to eat. You either sit down with the rest of us, or go without." Then I implimented a homework time, first thing when you get home, if its not done by bedtime then I guess they can get up early to finish it or just not get it done. My SD.was good at getting her dad to do homework for her when she didn't want to do it. The manipulation just kills my spirit to care, but my husband however if he cant see whats going on, i'll point it out right in front of the Sd, so she is is aware I know what she is doing. 7
Right on. Wow.. the
Right on. Wow.. the manipulation does kill my spirit to care as well. I was so mad and frustrated last night - it literally ruined my whole evening. Mentally I was just exhausted.
If I would have pointed out SS12's reaction to his father I would have been told I am "crazy" and there would have been a fight. To me, it wasn't worth it.
The "boys" father does nothing but teach them disrespect in situations like that. He doesn't see what manipulative little monsters he is creating - I have tried pointing this our calmly and even within moments of sheer frustration.. he doesn't get it.
We have homework time every day, as soon as they get home. Snack and then homework. SS12 had some questions about things he was struggling with - I get that. However, he KNEW it was dinner time and brought out his homework for help anyways.. bullshit move. And his dad makes excuses for him to do this, stating the food is to hot to eat.. well, sit down anyways. Everyone else is seated.. why should they have to wait on you? These kids have no respect. None. They want what they want, when they want it. Period. Their father is the same damn way at times and they see it - tah dah.. apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
SS9 has homework issues every day. Last night at bedtime (typical - issues arise every night to delay it) we discover there are problems on HIS math homework that he didn't do.. he goes "oh yea, I forgot.. I don't understand how to do these"... Math is an issue with this kid - he is carrying a C+ average and struggles to get that grade. Well, he gets what he wants.. to stay up, because "daddy" won't stand up to him and say.. it's bedtime.. it was your responsibility to do this and/or get help and you "forgot"... now you have to suffer the consequences and hand in incomplete homework. The kid always "forgets" projects, papers to sign, re-do papers, rules, chores.. and his dad always bails him out. I read a parenting article that says at age 9 you need to let you child fail a few times on his own and suffer the consequences so that they will LEARN A LESSON.. nope. doesn't happen.
I point this crap out to their father ALL THE TIME and he just does NOT GET IT. I am literally to the point where I want to throw in the towel on the whole thing. I am good enough to cook, clean, do laundry, shop for clothes, groceries, schedule appointments, talk to teachers, etc. but I am not good enough to enforce rules, apply consequences or set boundaries.
Oh, this soooo reminds me of
Oh, this soooo reminds me of the first year + 1/2 the SDs lived with us. We'd been married a year when BM totally flaked out and took off, leaving us with two 13-year olds.
They had never been allowed to have much of a relationship with DH, and they regarded me as some sort of obstacle in the path of his undivided attention. Of course, DH had all the usual divorced parent guilt, and did he ever get MANIPULATED! I could see what was going on, but I had so little authority and control, I was pretty helpless much of the time.
Things DID get better. Why?
1. DH finally decided to be a parent, not a pal. (Now he travels contantly, leaving me at home with two teens, but that is another story/post).
2. Family counselor told DH point blank that everything starts and ends with our relationship. He'd better listen to me first because if he didn't, the whole thing was going to collapse.
3. SDs matured and became more secure. They got busy with their own lives, friends, school, jobs, and they stopped obsessing over whether Daddy was paying them enough attention or not.
I think what your SS is doing is normal---which doesn't make it any less irritating, I know. But like someone else said, and people have often told me, don't take it personally. he's probably coming from a very unhealthy, unstructured environment (like my SDs) and having a routine is a whole new thing.
Suggest family counseling for everyone, particularly for you/DH. He needs to understand why he has got to put you first and show the children that the adults are IN CONTROL. The kids will actually FEEL BETTER and more secure.
I like the counseling
I like the counseling suggestion. Also just do what suits YOU...i.e. start eating without them. Don't argue since it isn't helping, just do you own thing. If SS is up DH's butt at bedtime, put the other two in bed and then go read or take a bath or whatever.
I struggle with this myself,
I struggle with this myself, too. Seems that once SD is here for a while everything she does starts to grate on my nerves and I find myself becoming increasingly agitated and ready for her to go. When this happens to me, I try to remove myself from her presence and allow myself to process whatever it is that is bothering me. Usually it's ME and once I've worked through it I am able to rejoin the family and life goes on. If it's an issue like you mentioned above and it's really bothering me I try to voice my opinion in private - even if I have to step in to the other room with DH and let him know as soon as possible because if I keep it quiet it just festers and stews and that's never productive. We don't always see eye to eye on things and sometimes I'm more "bothered" by behavior than he is, but it's always something we try and talk/work out. Just remember it's okay to walk away and take a breather!
This sounds like a carbon
This sounds like a carbon copy of things that happen in my home. I too am told I am "crazy" when I point out how badly my husband is being manipulated by SS9 and SD8. It is pathetic really. We have 50/50 custody of them and I have full custody of my BD3 and BD9. the skids expect to get whatever they want when they want becuase that is what they get at BM house, that stuff doesn't fly in my house! Like you, my BD's go to bed on auto pilot, no fight no fuss. His kids however stall and act ridiculous and "forget" homework, etc. as a reason to stall bedtime. I can tell you, the only thing that has worked out for me is when my husband is getting played by his children, I call them out on it, right then and there. And then I usually follow it up by looking right at my skid and letting them know I am on to them, and i will even say "you may be fooling your dad but you are not fooling me". This has actualy been fairly effective. Of course, if I am not home is probably still getting played, but it doesn't happen very often when I am at home.
Keep your head up, and make sure to always take time for yourself...trust me, it helps.