Well, I found and read SD's blog
Four years ago, my husband and I took in two barely house-broken 13 year olds because their mom was totally flipping out (drinking, getting physically abusive). They fled with nothing but the clothes on their backs, we had only been married 11 months, but we totally rearranged our lives for them.
It's been traumatic, to say the least. I don't have children, never wanted children, but I was game to try to create a better life for them, even at the expense of my own life plans.
Here we are, four years later, and they are about to graduate. One has a full scholarship, the other has been admitted to a respectable state university, and husband and I have been patting ourselves on the backs.
And I feel like a complete failure.
Despite everything, including weeks of expensive family counseling, my SDs mostly despise me.
The rules at our house are firm but fair. Chores are minimal. There is never any yelling or brow-beating. Three nights a week, we all sit down at the same time to a home-cooked meal. I've planned elaborate vacations for them, put together birthday extravaganzas, taken them to world-class restaurants, learned to overlook the usual teenage brattiness... and yet I continually sensed a coldness.
It's been sort of building up, how I feel perpetually judged and disdained by them. Especially Ms. Scholarship. And so as I was working from home today, and I did a little online searching, and bam....
There it was, in black and white. Hateful little depictions of me. Caustic, sarcastic comments. Not that many--about 6 total--but enough to drive the point home that she thinks I'm an asshole.
I had already scheduled a family counseling meeting for next week before I read this crap, but I ask you--what is the point? I've done everything humanly possible to try to win their respect and affection, yet this is how they see me.
In 117 days, they will both be gone. But honestly, I do not think I can stand to be around them another day. They are such smug, hateful, hypocritical little witches that pat themselves on the back for being such wonderblusses. And people are always saying to me, "How proud you must be!" And I just want to run away and hide because while they are doing all this public stuff to gain recognition, they treat me like I'm the hired help--no wait, they'd probably be nicer to the hired help. This is how they think of me, a 47-year old full time worker who started their college fund the week they moved in. The woman who is afraid to go into their rooms for fear of disturbing their privacy. The person who bought their car and carries the insurance.
If I were a total psyscho, I'd go grab everything in their rooms right now while they are out doing god knows what, pile it in the front yard, and set fire to it. On the other hand, now that the jig is up, and my intuition is confirmed, I'm so disgusted by them that I really don't give a crap what they think about anything! Horrible, horrible little monsters.
Husband is on business trip, getting home at 8:00 tonight. I love my husband completely, and I do not want to burden him with this. He's had to live through so much of my hand-wringing and complaining. He's such a kind-hearted person, I can't even understand how these monsters are his children, but then of course, there is "Factor X", the other side of the gene pool.
I can't even be glad they will be gone to college soon because they will be back here at breaks, putting their feet under my table and eating food that I spent hours planning and preparing.
I have really, truly tried beyond every ounce of energy and strength I've got to make this a happy home, but I think I'm done here. What is the use in knocking yourself out for four years to learn that they completely don't care if you drop dead?
Husband is conflicted. We have a wonderful, happy relationship. He loves these... things.
Yes, yes, I know there are people in here dealing with SDs who steal, take drugs, sneak out.... should I be greatful and happy that my worst problem is that SDs think that at best, I'm irrelevant, at worst, I'm a joke?
P.S. I must say that after
P.S. I must say that after reading all the crap she posted about me, it felt really, REALLY good to let go in here!
This was exactly me thought
This was exactly me thought as well. At least your relationship with your husband is solid. Soon you will not have to live with them anymore either. Yes, they'll come back and you'll have to deal with them, but at age 18, I'm not sure how much they can, will or want to change. Good luck and happy venting!
I wouldn't spend another dime
I wouldn't spend another dime or time on these brats. As for the blog. I would print it and throw it on the table at the next family dinner and give the pages to your DH and Steps to read. Then I would calmy tell them that you are done and the day they leave for college that is it, they don't come home. Dad will have a relationship with them outside the house, but you are done...
Don't be a doormat for these kids to walk on. Stop spending your money. As for their college funds, any amount you have contributed should be pulled out and put in your retirement.
Stop letting them dictate how you feel. Walk away from them. Don't be mean, but just do not give them any more power over how you feel...
I'd be done with all of them
I'd be done with all of them especially my dh if he didn't step up and do something!!! Unacceptable! I would also take legal action on all parties involved if they couldn't make it right and I really mean my dh. If my dh didn't tell him kids that that is wrong and have a consequence for them then yep legal action, they are all adults.
You won't believe this. I
You won't believe this.
I wouldn't have myself as of 2:00 pm today.
I waited until they got home, and then I just went and told them, "I read your blog. ALL of it."
Unlike my usual dramatic self, I was rather collected. But I wouldn't let her get away with blowing me off. I didn't say, "You hurt me." What I said was, "Thanks for making me feel better about myself. After reading the things you said about someone who has fed, sheletered, and supported you for four long years, I feel pretty assured that I'm at least a better person than you."
Okay, not a very balanced and positive seque for an adult to start a serious conversation with a kid. And things were indeed tense those first 20 minutes. However, I stuck to my guns. I held her accountable. I held up the mirror. She kept saying, "I can't believe you read my blog." I said, "What, total strangers can read what an asshole I am in a public space, but I can't?"
But then something happened. I started admitting to some things. First off, I had to admit it was kind of neurotic to go looking for trouble like that. I mean, why did I do it? What was the trigger? Then she started admitting to some things. Then we talked about EVERYTHING, all the freaking elephants in the room.
We had a big old, serious, air-clearing, let's try harder, let's be bigger, let's see what we can make of this relationship before it's too late. And yeah, it wasn't just me saying these things.
I do not think this would have happened with my husband here. He puts such a big emphasis on couching everything so carefully, being safe. Now I see how that actually has hurt my relationship with SDs because we were always stiffled, always trying to be "nice."
So, I'm cautiously optimistic. I may keep one weather eye on the lookout,
but I do feel good that I grew the balls to just have it out and tell them point blank that maybe I haven't taken enough responsibility for our relationship, but they haven't taken ANY. And by jove, I think they GOT IT.
Happy Ending. Surprise, surprise.
I have to say completely
I have to say completely surprised at how that turned out. I hope this continues!
I love FSS. He's a good kid,
I love FSS. He's a good kid, but yesterday, he said something that hurt my feelings about how he used to get Peter Rabbit chocolate bunnies in his Easter basket before I came along. I refrained from pointing out that the chocolate bunny I got was better quality and tasting. I then got sick of hearing about the caramel filled bunny he is saving at his mom's and how it is better than the bunny (or bunnies, thanks to grandma there are 8 bunnies in my house) he has here. I excused myself from the room and went to my room for a break. Apparently FDH lit into him as soon as I left and told him what he said was rude and made me feel like I don't matter. FSS felt bad for hurting my feelings, he cried. If this kid ever thinks he's going to get away with the crap your SD's pulled, then, I'd be following the advice of ybarra and Jsmom. Stop paying for their cars and insurance, and if they can't afford the cars, sell them. Take a nice vacation without them on the college fund and stick the rest in your retirement. Or stick it all in your retirement. My attitude with the 8 year-old in my life is that as long as he and dad appreciate what I do, I'll continue, but the minute it isn't, I can pull back. Knowing that it is ok for me to pull back takes a ton of stress off of me. I think it was cool of you to start college funds for them when they moved in; too bad for them that they don't appreciate you.
You're so fortunate that your
You're so fortunate that your husband has been so supportive and ensured that your position in the household was secure. I'm a little jealous
Admittedly, DH has not bee so great with this. Bad case of the guilts. I do feel he should have been on them more often about LOTS of things. But some people have this idea that if your kid is getting good grades and staying off the streets, then getting along at home isn't such a big deal.
In so many ways, I've just been left here alone, holding the whole damn bag. Why does it all have roll back to me? At least by the time I was finished spilling my guts, SDs were like, "OMG she really is a person! Maybe we should try a little harder to be nice to her!"
It feels really good to have all these people chiming in and telling me to yank the purse strings in tight. It has been an exercise in sainthood to do all this stuff year after freaking year, and have these girls acting so ENTITLED. Rather bizarre, considering what a loser mom was.
There's another forum post
There's another forum post titled "question as a BM" that I responded to today, too. The poster is talking about her BD being afraid to have a real conversation with her Dad and SM about hurt feelings because she doesn't want to hurt their feelings. But, we do kids a disservice when we don't give them examples of good communication within our relationships with them. I know I'm lucky. This is my second go at this, and way better than the first. I had a lot of anxiety about doing this again, but FDH is really supportive. Some days I think he's more concerned about my feelings than FSS's. He's never yelled at me, but he has yelled at FSS. I'm starting to notice he's doing more talking and explaining though, which is more my parenting style. I find it difficult to be compared to a woman who tells an 8 year-old that she won't go to his play if I'm there even though she lives with the last man she cheated on FDH with when they were married. I also find it difficult to be compared to a woman who makes her son pay for dinner and a movie. We have him full time, so I do the cooking, and we give him chores. And, damn it, I can't wait until he doesn't believe in Santa and the Easter bunny so he knows the cool stuff is really from me.
But, in the long run, it's about him growing up to be healthy, happy, and responsible. FDH and I see eye to eye on that. And, anything that happens that I wouldn't be ok with when we have kids together is getting adjusted. Otherwise, I let him handle it. I'm so glad it opened up some communication for you guys. That's probably what you really need. And, remember, you don't have to be a saint. Biological parents aren't either. They need breaks, too, and put limits on behavior, too. I think we get more of a reason to, though, because it isn't our responsibility. It is our choice to help them.
You are awesome, anabihibik.
You are awesome, anabihibik. I realize there is no road but the high road. But damn it, why does the high road sometimes feel like so much like the door mat?
And keep doing the cool stuff. I believe one day, he'll "get it."
Quite frankly, I think the
Quite frankly, I think the high road is synonymous with door mat! Sometimes that darned road is at to high a cost. Don't hold your frustration and anger in with these ungrateful girls. I'd so enjoy a nice reading of the blogs at the next family dinner making sure the hubby knew exactly how his daughters really are. It's amazing to me that fathers think their daughters can do no wrong!! No one needs to be treated this shabbily when you had to change your lifestyle for them. Sorry, I'm just keeping it real.
It is great that you
It is great that you confronted them. But, honestly, I would be cautious of whether or not it makes a difference in their thinking of you. My SD and I had one of those conversations and it turned out later her and mom were talking to lawyers to sue us around the same time. I thought things were better and instead got slammed with a CO modification initiated by SD.
So take what they say with a grain of salt and stop letting them walk all over you. Only do the absolute minimum until you see a difference in their behavior and I would definitely set up Google alerts for her blog....
I still would take my money out of a college fund. At the very least stop contributing. These are not your kids, you do not have to provide for them. Issues like this make me really glad that we don't co-mingle finances...
Well, here's where I do admit
Well, here's where I do admit that I pressured husband to go out and get higher paying job. I mean, good grief, I'm not going to make up ALL the difference for 13 years of not having the conjones to stand up to crazy, compulsive spending ex.
So he did, and the money's nice, but now he is traveling CONSTANTLY and working LONG hours. Be careful what you ask for...
But duly noted about the weather eye. My trust has been violated so darned many times, and it's not like one conversation can fix that.
At least I know they will go a LONG way out of their way to avoid another conversation as tough as the one we had today. They also know that someone is on to them, and knows about their cob webby corners. It was an air clearing, but it was also a big steaming dose of "CUT THE CRAP. I KNOW YOU."
I thought long on my
I thought long on my response.
Initially I read your post and thought..........yep that sounds like a mom and daughters issues. But I know that when that bond isn't there the rejection is felt different. When DD's "hate" me, or are mad at me....I think- I've done the right thing as a mom HA. But SD hates me- the more I tried the more she hated me- and it kills me.
Love them for who they are. And as a sd who didn't like her step dad. I was 24-25 before I realized truly what "role" he played in my life. We had that role then for 16 years out of the 30 that he was married to my mom before he died. He was my dad. He earned the name grandpa- he loved all kids and grandkids as though they were all his. He was a hard man to know. I do believe that they come around.
My counselor told me that my skids were probably conflicted. I took care of things their mom should have taken care of. Because she wouldn't I made her "look bad" and then if they thought that quilt was associated with that. They will either come to terms with who I am or they won't. I hope to play a role in their kids lives as a grandmother but only time will tell.
Love the happy ending posted
Love the happy ending posted up above. Have seriously thought (once I cool off enough; it's been a rough last few weeks) about just calmly but directly saying some stuff to my SS.
It's hard, because I know I must have been different (my BD is almost 21, SS is 13) with my BD as far as patience and genuine well ... patience. So, trying to back off from/cool down the anger, and look at it as a coworker, almost - a manipulative, immature, greedy coworker - but who doesn't have plenty of those? And just speak matter of factly.
Wish me luck, and THANK YOU for your happy ending post.