When DH Causes Most of The Problems
Hi everyone. My first post here.
I've been with DH for 4 years, married 2 and a half. He has twin 15-yr-old sons. I lost my only child 11 years ago at 6 years old (he had severe medical issues from birth). I always wanted more kids but here I am, 37 yrs old, H had a vasectomy during his 2nd marriage (I'm wife #3) and changed his mind about a reversal and wanting more kids AFTER we got married. I resent it horribly, feel cheated terribly, miss being a mom so much but I'm trying to not let that interfere with my relationship with SS's.
When I met DH, SS's were 11 yrs old, sweet, polite, kind and I fell in love with them instantly. They walked me down the aisle at our wedding. I immediately tried to be the best SM possible - never missed a baseball game, helped with homework, fully supported their lawn mowing service, etc. I loved being a mom again, even if just SM.
Then, they hit 13. They became lazy, rude. They appreciate nothing, they do no chores, they feel entitled to everything. Their grades are horrible, they know everything. I'm just SM now. Reality hit when they wanted my help to make a poster for school of their family tree and left me out of it. 
I cried alone in the bathroom on and off for days over that.
Their mom (wife #1) is the type who cares more if they like her than if she's a good mom. She buys them anything they want, believes anything they say. They are very creative and lie. They say anything they think gets them out of trouble and everything they do is always someone else's fault. Bad grades because the teachers don't like them. After school detention because the teachers don't like them. Kicked off the HS baseball team because of someone else. You get the picture. No accountability or responsibility at all and their mother encourages it. Now they want cars and she will no doubt buy them one.
DH... ugh. I thought he was such a great dad when we met. It was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. Now, he's lazy, concerned if the boys like him rather than being a dad. The boys don't respect him or BM at all. They dislike me because I don't give in to them or believe their BS. H believes anything they tell him and doesn't care to find out where they are, what they are doing, who they are with. He has yet to look at their report cards from 6 wks ago, doesn't ground them at all even if they get F's or talk back and often he and BM will REWARD them (new clothes, new phone, laptop, let them go out with friends) to see if it will "encourage them to do better". They don't follow up with teachers or coaches, take the boys' sides if they get into trouble instead of finding out the real story. DH picks up after them, cleans their rooms and bathrooms, mows the lawn before they come over (we have them 50% of the time - every other full week). They may do dishes (put dishes in a dishwasher) twice a week and they complain about it. If I ask about grades or homework or ask them to clean their rooms, etc, I'm "nagging" and "negative". DH shuts me down if I ask them about anything important and then tells me I don't talk to them. I tried to do family stuff, start going to church, get them involved with my family too and my work (I work with families and we have many events a year). But any attempt I made, DH pulled back, didn't want to "pressure" them, etc. The same with his own family. The boys call the shots. We do what they want to do, go where they want to go, etc. In other words, they are SPOILED. And it's DH's and BM's fault.
The boys are boys. In the grand scheme of things, they are getting away with what they are allowed to get away with. They have talked back but not as much as most teenagers. They don't smoke, drink, have sex, do drugs, etc. No physical violence. They both texted me on Mother's Day to say Happy Mother's Day. They aren't bad kids. YET. But their parents are completely screwing up!!! Me and their SD are the only 2 parents who want to be PARENTS but DH and BM don't allow that. They don't seem to care if they graduate high school, if they go to college, if learn any life skills, have good manners, learn a work ethic, responsiblity, etc. They just don't care! BM is more concerned that they like her and DH is too upset that he can't afford all the things he used to be able to before the market crash. So it's all EGO and not about the kids for both of them.
I'm so disgusted with him and BM that I can't talk about the boys at all without getting upset. I lost my only child, who I fought and fought for and would've given my life for. I couldn't have other kids with my ex-husband, now DH has taken away my dream to be a mom again.... and I get to watch him and BM screw up so bad!??!?!? How is this fair?!?! What did I do to deserve this?
Today, DH and I were alone driving home from the store and he bought up the boys and I said they need summer jobs so they don't lay around all summer (like they did last summer). Then he goes into a tantrum about how I never say anything nice about the boys. Then he blamed ME for SS being in therapy and having "issues". SS is in therapy because he told his mom he has a learning disability (he doesn't) because he now gets bad grades (2 yrs ago he had straight A's and B's so apparently the learning disability just suddenly came on). It was a way for him to get out of being grounded for bad grades (she grounds for 3 days for F's) so he came up with that excuse. She bought into it. Now the therapist just justifies anything he blames on anyone else. So I'm just the latest scapegoat. Not just for SS but now DH is pointing the finger at me so HE doesn't have to take responsibility.
Now, I can't say anything. I tiptoe in my own house. I can't be a parent or stepparent or even relax. DH created this monster. He allowed this. He perpetuated it.
I'm biting my tongue. Except for leave him, what else can I do? If I had known he'd turn into this type of father and change his mind about kids, I never would've married him. I'm starting to not respect him either. I just wish he'd man up and be a father. I'm just so disappointed and heartbroken. This isn't the life I wanted at all.
I can see how you would lose
I can see how you would lose respect for this man. You are still young enough to have a child....I would leave him and move on with my life ASAP.
one condition of remaining
one condition of remaining with my SO is that I get a baby. No ifs, ands, or buts. Yours reneged. Its time for you to move on and have that baby!
I am so sorry for your loss of your child. I'm heartbroken for you.
Leaving isn't an option right
Leaving isn't an option right now. I have no money, no where to go, no insurance except through DH's new job and that doesn't kick in for 6 more days and I need (hernia) surgery. Plus, I didn't take my vows lately. Yes, leaving would be easier and maybe that's what's best for me. But here I am and this is the situation I'm in and have to deal with. And I do love him. I hate this situation, I hate feeling disappointed in my DH, I do want kids. But the odds are, I can't have them anyway (2 yrs infertility treatements with the ex-H) so I walk away for what? To be alone? I was alone for 8 years between marriages. I lost my first H (he cheated and left for another woman) and my son... walking away from my new family isn't easy for me. I value family because I lost one. I try harder with SS's because I lost a son. I excuse DH because I try to be more understanding instead of a raging witch who drives him away (been there, done that). And in his defense, his excuse for not having more kids is money. We don't have the $$$ for his reversal and we're really struggling right now and have 2 kids (maybe) going to college in 2 years. And these 2 are being brats lately and stressing him out... so why would he want to rush to have more? I do get that. It's not fair to me at all but I do get it. So I have 3 options here... 1. throw a tantrum that life isn't fair and this isn't what I signed up for and walk away and hope somehow all my dreams come. 2. Be a grown up and try to make the situation better somehow (how??? I don't know. That's why I'm here). 3. Be a child and whine and make the situation worse.
I would try and have a
I would try and have a serious conversation with DH. Tell him how you feel. How you feel you have to tip-toe around your own home. And how in your home you want rules and consequences for his children. It isn't nagging. It's called parenting. And somehow you need to get that through his head. They aren't babies. They need to do chores as well as get a job. Atleast by the time they turn 16. I would not live in a situation like yours. I couldn't. I would go absolutely bonkers. If the day ever comes that DH's kids think they can sit around my house all day without cleaning up after themselves and disrespecting me and DH in my house, then they wouldn't be welcome in my house anymore. DH can spend his time with them elsewhere.
I am so sorry about the loss of your son. Maybe tell DH you just want what is best for his kids just as you would have wanted for your son. You want them to grow up into responsible adults. And you also want happiness and peace in your own home. Because you have obviously been through enough.
HUGS to u. I also have 15 yr
HUGS to u. I also have 15 yr stepson twins & one is okay the other has been diagnosed ADHD but probably its Asbergers or BPD --i.e. serious anger issues and problems with school, everyone. Tip-toe through the house is my mantra and I'm sick of it too. One twin needs to be institutionalized as counseling is out of the question. Both DH & BM aren't interested in carrying out such a terrible consequence. Tip toeing and bribes is fine w/them. ALmost 4 years I've been married, met skids when they were 6. And we got along great! Only mistake I made was telling them to something b.c. "I'm not their mother and/or DH didn't say to do it". So frustrating. Words can't describe it. Dog attacked skids this morning & he got really rough w/him. I told him to stop it and develop a better repoire with the dog. He said: no, this is your fault SM, you made him do it. OMG - I have the ability tell 10 mos. dog to be a jerk to the person who abuses him? No, skid that's called mother nature...who doesn't tiptoe or bribe u.
shootingstarz... I have
shootingstarz... I have tried. I have told him a thousand times that I love the boys and only want what's best for them and want to see them grow up and be happy, healthy adults with good lives. And I sincerely mean that. I think the biggest problems is I'm so jealous that he and BM get to be parents and they just don't appreciate it. I'd give anything to be in their shoes and wouldn't waste a single second of being a mom, would put the kids before my ego, do what's right instead of what's easy, etc. But they just take it for granted. So here I am and I feel backed into a corner between a rock and a hard place. If I care, if I try to parent or say anything... I'm "negative" or "nagging" (15 yr old SS started this one and DH jumped onto that bandwagon because SS is "hurt" I'm "negative"). I seriously can't find anything to be positive about in conversations. What do you say???? "Oh you went to the movies last night (after getting suspended from school). What movie did you see?"!!!! I cannot play the air-headed, completely oblivious adult who strokes their little egos with nonsense and creates monsters. I can't do it. I can't ask about school because of grades and them getting into trouble. I can't ask about jobs, because they have none. I can't ask about hobbies because they only have baseball and 1 SS has gotten kicked off the team twice and both got passed up for summer team because of grades and attitudes. I can't ask about girlfriends because their lack of consideration for girls makes me sick. I can't ask about friends because they are down to just 1 or 2 because the other parents don't want them at their houses because of their language and lying. But I'm the one who's negative?!?! DH and BM have their heads so far up their asses they can't see. Anything I say, DH takes as a personal insult of his parenting. I guess it is. So why not just man up and be a better dad? I don't understand. I help raise my nieces and nephews. My sister died so I am very involved with her 3 teenagers (my parents have custody of them in the next state). I treat all the kids like my own. If they mess up, I say so. I don't kiss their butts. I parent them. And they love and respect me for it and know I'm always there for them. Yes, they get mad at me but so what? I parent, I'm the aunt, not the friend. When 1 niece went off the deep end at 15 and started sneaking out at night, I'm the one who drove up there, put an alarm on her windows, took her to the gynecologist and got her on depo shots so she wouldn't end up pregnant at 16 like her mother. I'm the one who rode and rode her about her attitude and grades and boys and not throwing her life away. She HATED me for 6 months but guess what? Now she's making straight A's and is on the cheerleading squad and working a job. Would she have straightened herself out if no adult had stepped in? Hell no. She's a kid. So I'm not new to the parenting thing and I'm not a pushover.
So I guess detaching is the only option here. But that means the boys have no one who cares about their grades, who tries to teach them right from wrong. They win. They wore me down and I give up. I feel like I'm emotionally abandoning them.
The boys and I used to be close, I hate this is happening. I was the adult who fixed things when they were fighting with their dad or BM. I was the one they came to with questions about girls or sex because they didn't want to ask their parents.
I'm wife #3. DH was married to BM for 8 years, college sweethearts. She's bipolar. She's needy, clingy, calls the boys 5 times a day and says "I love you" over and over and over to get them to say it back to her (they talk to her on speakerphone as they play videogames). If they don't answer the phone, she'll call and call and call until they do. They easily manipulate her into getting anything they want, often telling her how to parent. Her husband tries to parent too but after 10 years, he's given up as well.
He was married to wife #2 for 6 years. She paid no attention to the boys at all, never went to their games, never talked to them, never tried to have a relationship with them, would cook meals for her daughter but not for the boys, etc. She drank a lot. Her daughter lived with them and her BD saw her every other weekend. DH was a step-dad so he should understand more than he does, but he doesn't.
This morning he bought me a cup of coffee in bed = his attempt at an apology for being a jerk. The boys week with us starts today. I dread going home.
So I am the opposite of wife #2 and infinitely more mature and sane than wife #1. Yet, I get all the crappy leftovers from both marriages (attitudes, baggage, vasectomy, etc). Lucky me.
steptwins... 15 yr old twin SS's... so you know! Twins are so much harder I think because they gang up together. They go through the same stages, together. Twice the attitude and hormones. I can't imagine dealing with 1 with mental issues. My heart goes out to you! One of mind is trying to get labeled with ADHD... he doesn't have it. He uses it as an excuse for bad grades. It makes me furious because he wants a label for being lazy when I had a son with real handicaps and just wanted normal. SS doesn't understand the seriousness of a label. He's just manipulating.
MORE HUGS! My swins are not
MORE HUGS! My swins are not alike in anyway, shape or form. One's athletic and popular, other is a loner, obese and immature. Last Thursday night I (and my new car) was the his target. DH blames me for everything that goes wrong (incl. his lack of viable employment) & guess what, he says "I'm so negative" all the time. And he said over the weekend, "You wash your car too much anyway". From a man that never leaves his tv remote. Just had to share that w/you. LOL.
My twins are pretty much
My twins are pretty much alike. 1 is more spoiled than the other though and more babied. He whines to get his way a lot with his dad and BM. The other now resents it and acts out. Can't blame him. So now, he's he angry one who talks back and the other one is whiney and manipulative. They are both dishonest. There are no consequences to their actions - unless the school or baseball coach instill them - so really, they are pushing the boundaries. There are none! They are both popular, good looking, athletic, smart (used to be A and B students). I think that bothers me a lot... they have every opportunity here, everything going for them and they are pissing it away. They were good kids when we met. DH was very involved. He disciplined them, spent time with them, etc. Then DH lost his job and his money and apparently all parenting skills too... just as the boys hit 13 and started high school.
I can't believe how many posts here have SO's telling us we're "negative". I'm so relieved it's not just me!!!! Sounds like a convenient excuse to blame up for their lack of parenting.
Well atleast you know in your
Well atleast you know in your heart that you tried to do what is best for them. I would just sit back and let DH and BM do whatever the hell it is they want to do. And just concentrate on yourself and taking care of your nieces and nephews. And when it's all said and done DH will wish he listened to you. He is just being stubborn because you aren't their BM. My DH has done the same thing... Says all I do is bitch about his kids and point out what they are doing wrong. Correcting them. Well sorry but they need some guidance in their lives or they will be holding their forks at the dinner table like toddlers for the rest of their lives. Never brush their teeth. Never do anything for themselves. If he is ok with them growing up to be complete morons then that's his problem. I gave up caring there. But I will have them cleaning up after themselves in my home. If not, then they aren't welcome. DH is a lot better now. I said something to him that made him realize he was their only hope of turning out alright. Since BM obvious doesn't do anything. Judging from the way the 11 year old holds his fork. I feel for you. I really do. I hope your DH gets some sense knocked into him soon.
wow we have pretty much the
wow we have pretty much the same life. Wish I could go back to when the twins were 11 they were the sweetest little boys. Thats how my SO and I met. If only I knew how the rest would go.
My DH also did the "I want
My DH also did the "I want kids" before we got married and then "Nevermind, no I don't" after we got married. We dealt with infertility for four years. He knew that I wouldn't marry him unless we really tried different treatments. When he'd give me attitude after we got married that he was too old to try for more children (he's 15 years older than me) I told him that if I didn't have any legitimate chance at having a baby (like through IVF) then I would end up resenting people who did have children. He didn't realize I specifically meant HIM!!! He would only respond, "Yeah, I get that."
So finally we tried IVF, and it failed. We were about to try another round when I spontaneously got pregnant. We have a 2 month old baby boy and I'm in heaven. Amazingly, SD doesn't bother me so much anymore because I really don't care what she does. My son is the perfect distraction. Luckily SD is off in college so she's not in my face which also helps.
DON'T GIVE UP TRYING FOR ANOTHER CHILD! If your DH really won't try for you, then he's not worth staying with. My DH even said to me (and he really isn't thrilled with starting over again at his age) that it's unfair to deny a woman and expect her to stay with you.
I don't have twins but I can
I don't have twins but I can relate to what you wrote. The stepsons were so good in the beginning and now they are 13 and 15 and everything is such a battle. They are rude all the time, talk back to their dad, don't pick up after themselves, ruin every single good mood or occasion or trip that we go on. And of course, BM says they are perfect angels at her house. Well, could it be because you let them do whatever they want, buy whatever they want, never say no to them? You think??? Try enforcing rules at your house and see if they act out?
It's been a few weeks since I
It's been a few weeks since I posted. Things were going better. It's exam week and well.... I'm so damn disappointed DH is such a lazy father and that I don't have a child that I resented the hell out of taking SS's Father's Day shopping. They were ok, except SS #2 whined about having to spend $20 of his own money on his father.... 1 wk after DH idiotically spent $600 on baseball gear for him. 15 years old and they are the laziest, greediest, most selfish kids. They have such entitlement issues and expect everything on a gold platter and DH and BM give it to them. They turn 16 in July and want cars. What does DH do? Promise them the truck he drives - as if we can afford another vehicle right now. Why? Because he's too damn lazy to drive them to school. The truck is in my name, car insurance in my name. I pay the bill. Why the hell am I expected to pay $$$$$ to put teenage boys on my perfect record insurance policy when they are so immature, irresponsible and no doubt will not drive carefully. I told DH such and I'm getting attitude / cold shoulder all day. Because of course, I'm the bad guy.
Meanwhile, SS #1 cleaned out his closet today and bought down a bag of clothes... half the clothes I bought him for Christmas with the tags still own. Name brand stuff because picky little materialistic spoiled boys can't wear off-brand clothes. I spent all the money I had saved up to leave this house (and them) so they'd have a Christmas.
Have they studies for their exams? No. Does DH care? No. Reproccusions if they fail the exams or bad grades? "A good talking to" = nothing. They will still get cars, still get expensive baseball gear, still get to do whatever they want. Because God forbid, it would reflect badly on their parents if they didn't have stuff like their friends kids have. It's all about DH and BM, not what's best for the kids. What's best for the SS's is someone rides their a$$es and makes them do their schoolwork and get good grades and inforced some kids of parenting system. That won't be me! I tried. I failed. DH wouldn't allow it.
And if I say anything, I'm a b!tch.
How can I NOT resent them at this point? DH has a chance to be a parent... something he's taken away from me... and he completely F's it up by being thier friend instead of a parent. Then makes the situation worse by acting like a child himself.
If id have known then what I
If id have known then what I know now, I would never have married my husband because of the SD. She is making life horrible for me. Leave him. You are still young enough to have a child of your own. You will find someone soon. Granted, the new man may have children, but you can set up home with him and start afresh, but before you do, be 100% certain that the new one wants more children within the next couple of years. I feel so bad for you. Chin up!