New here and about to vent big time !!!!
Hello everybody, stand well back...she's about to blow !!!
Brief history is this.....long history with SD21 who is a compulsive liar, has been doing it for years....boy did social networking come along at the right time for her !! She joined everything and lost control with the lies. This has been going on for years, DH hates confrontation and has been sooo laid back I have for years felt like I always have to be the bad guy. I set the chores, she lived with us when we moved countries, BM was glad for her to go as she was fed up with her too.
I was always the one to bring up problems, the lies became insane, she really is a pathological liar, when I have more time I will explain more on here!!
Anyway, why am I here today ?? We had to send her back to live with the family as we knew being here was causing her more problems and finishing her education and going to College. Well the lies continued I see them everywhere, she found a new bf and restarted all the horrific lies ( she has done this with ALL the bfs over the years !!) Fast forward after a massive row almost two years ago, DH said he wanted space as he recognised that she was now an Adult and responsible for her actions, blah blah blah.
So until this year I thought this was the case, now I find he secretly calls her from work, has paid bills for her, and emails weekly. ALL this I would not have minded if he had been upfront with it all, I tought we were both using the space to repair the terrible emotional rollercoaster ride we had been through. We have discussed all this over the last months, he will share the info so I can support him, cc me in on emails so we all know what is going on. For my part, when I see the lies pasted all over the social networks, I do mention them as she only tells him the Daddy things he wants to hear!!! She knows he does not use these social sites, etc.
Well, now he is back to emailing in secret and phonecalls, etc. We argue again, and apparently he is SCARED to tell me about the contact, as I only have NEGATIVE things to say about her!!! Yeah, well I'm not the one posting all this stuff still !! I actually made him read some of the latest ones, concerning him and how he is such a strict parent, it's an old lie now being spewed to the latest bf again and anyone on the Internet !!
Still it is MY fault !!! She is visiting later this month and apparently he is petrified about what I WILL DO!!??
He has said he just wants a normal happy visit ( is this the Disney experience, I have read about on here ??)
And that yes he knows she will lie to him, he doesn't trust her, but just wants it to go well ?? He can't stop her lying, or the scrounging for money....yes...she has never had a job, even Summer job, that was more than five hours per week or lasted more than a month!!! She is visiting with other SD 16, who does not cause these sorts of problems. Also DH said how can I treat them soo differently, and be sooo negative and nasty to one and not the other ?? The other is not a saint, but I would take the sneaky teenage drinking and smoking over ANY of these other problems with the elder SD !!!!
DH and I have no other problems but this, we are secure and happy, but as far as she is concerned she can do no wrong..... It's just so frustrating....
Cannot believe I even put off our happy, happy plans to start a family because I did not want to bring a child into the middle of this 3 or 4 years ago.....well.....I am not putting our dreams on hold for her any longer.....
DH and I are talking about things again this weekend, just cannot believe he does not even believe what is going on in front of his eyes !!! How do I cope with the visit ??? I am dreading it, as he has literally said I have to stay quiet, sit and listen to the lies and SMILE about it !!!! WTF ???? I'm not planning on doing that!!!
So glad I have found you here, I thought I was going mad !!!!
I am pretty sure my opinion
I am pretty sure my opinion will not be smiled on. But I have BTDT. My SS will tell you two different lies in the same sentence about the same thing. He does this every day that I have known him. At first I always pointed it out to DH, then he would not say anything to SS and we would argue. (not sure why, cause it is not my kid). And I look back now and have to wonder why I was so hell bent on MAKING DH call out HIS kid. So I took a new approach. I said nothing.
If SS lies to DH, or I, I just say, that’s nice and move on. It is actually wonderful. DH knows the boy is lying, hell, SS knows that DH knows he is lying. Not my business to get mad if DH does not get mad. KWIM.
Try this for a month. It will be hard, but try. Stay off of her internet sites. FOR A FULL MONTH. Do something for you when you feel you need to look at her site. If she lies in your face, just smile and say…”really” or “that’s nice” and DO NOT TALK TO DH about her right now. I bet if you back off of the SD, he will start coming around and talking to you about her.
I think this may be one thing you need to back away from. It is hard. I know, but just try it.
Thankyou for your replies, I
Thankyou for your replies, I have already stopped looking at the stuff, though I find it quite strange that it is I that have to be the controlled one on the Internet, ironic right??? We have known for a long time that she does not want to stop with the lies, but when it hurts us and other family members it was hard at the time to get through!!!
Well things did move a long a bit as DH and I sat down last night and talked again. I explained calmly and clearly all my feelings, I felt stronger as I had read a lot on here and felt not as crazy about things as before. I told him that as his wife, when skids are visiting us, I should be recognised and respected in my own house, and there are rules, with a younger skid in the equation too this is still important....e.g Internet is turned off during the night to stop the all night Internet sprees. If they are coming to see their Father I do not think it is respectable to stay up until 4 a.m then sleep until 2 pm and expect us to sit around waiting for them to surface !!!! I said that our marriage is strong, but it is OUR marriage, our skids are almost grown, there will be a time when he will realise they are not babies anymore, not what any DH wanted to hear about his kids I guess !!
Also, I have been in this for over 12 years, it was I who struggled for a long time on my own when this started 10 years ago. As for a long time I was silent about the lies, etc. I have never wanted to be their Mom , they have one already, and the divorce etc was years before I was on the scene.
Also DH has said he is going to keep me in the loop, and also he has removed a credit card the SD had access to, as he is aware that the money is not being used correctly, like for College books or food, etc.
This is a big step for him, as he has been Daddy ATM for a LONG time!!!
Is anyone else in our situation on here, with skids living in a different country?? I know that I am very lucky that we do have a lot more space then some on here dealing with skids !!
So, that's it so far....DH says we WILL be a united front and WE do deserve respect in our own home. I think it is so hard as BM is no help at all.
Did I mention that I delayed my moving to the UK so SD who was living with us could finish her School Year ?? So for awhile it was just me and her ??? DH went ahead to start the new job .Has anyone else done that ?? I also had younger skid visiting us every other weekend too.
I'm hoping we are moving forward, we will see.......
Hello, yes I read your post
Hello, yes I read your post and saw the replies.....
My SD was not ringing all the time, she is the Internet Queen, but cannot even be bothered to email him once a week, sometimes it is weeks inbetween the emails, or the memails as I call them, cos she just tells him ALL the right things. She was not answering her phone when he rang it, it was always broken, etc,etc. This suited her just fine, she always wanted something when she contacted him, surprise,surprise.....
We live in another country and this seems to have my DH Daddy Guilt even worse.
I told my DH this sort of behaviour , the secret emails etc, leads to distrust issues in our marriage for me, you begin to question other areas of your live together don't you.....
I told him how would he feel if I was doing this to him, and that seemed to give him a lot to think about....
Thankyou for sharing your own experience, you are in my thoughts, believe me.....
My DH kept me out of the loop
My DH kept me out of the loop as well, they seem to believe that was EASIER, for some strange reason !! I was also a fool not to keep a close eye on finances so it was easier for him to move money around. I have no problem with him finishing paying for Skids education, though he himself is beginning to get disillusioned by some of the requests, as money sent is not always used for it, is it???
I was like you too, I was trying to HOLD it in, but in the end you get so angry and frustrated, that out it comes.... Can you hang on until Therapy ??? At least he has agreed to go to that, plus you get to hopefully get some real answers in a controlled situation.
Yes the Daddy Guilt has become worse here, but that I think I can handle rather than living with the SD ever again. I don't trust her and I am not prepared to be disrespected at home anymore. DH wants the same things in life that I do, he just is struggling with this situation.
I will no longer treat the ADULT SD as a child, I will not allow her to drive wedges in my marriage, DH married ME not the SD !!!
I knocked the poor excuse that DH had that he FORGET to mention emails, etc, etc, as he is soo busy at work !! Really ??? That has been easily solved too....DH and I came up with a brilliant plan, a
brand new email address that only WE use for the SD and it is SHARED !!! Also, out of respect for me , he is signing any such emails from both of us, a united front. It may seem small, but it is a start, I know he can still drop back to the old habits, and he had said there will only be calls to skids from our home.
It is hard to stand up against SD and ask for some respect in my marriage, but I am not going back now..... SD has her life, and will probably only visit twice or maybe four times a year, and when the money stops for education AND free flights, etc, etc, I seriously doubt she will bother...... And guess who picks up the fallout when that happens ??? US OF COURSE !!!!
I'm getting busy moving on from her toxic ways, adding to the family perhaps, and I would love to renew our vows AND have all new Wedding photos....yes you can SEE her scowling away like a spoilt brat in ours .....but not for long......
I'm feeling positive at the moment, but I have the visit to get through !!!!
Sorry forgot to mention, no
Sorry forgot to mention, no Father's Day cards or calls, what a surprise!!! Not even an email, she did send one on Thurs saying she was just checking to see what our address was....we have lived here MONTHS !!!! It was three lines long and said she was sending a card, what for next year's Father's Day ???? Not holding my breath it will actually appear !!! Grrrrrrr !!!!!
Back again, DH has decided
Back again, DH has decided that for the week the Skids are here we are taking a three day break to a City , nice Hotel, trips, etc, etc. It is somewhere I want to visit, and younger SD will love too, SD21 I'm not so sure, so I'm backing it all the way!!!! We have booked seperate rooms from Skids, so plenty of privacy for us, it takes 3 nights away from SD in our House driving me crazy !! Believe me the less time I actually have to sit and listen to the spewing lies the better !! SD is not a walker, I mean sightseeing in a City for a day is more activity than she manages in about 3 weeks !!!! Yes DH will be spending a lot of cash on Skids, but if SD21 was sitting in our home he would probably just give it over to her, so WE might as use it for this!! She will not just be sitting on her a** e with Daddy expecting me to be cooking and cleaning( that doesn't happen any more, stopped that a long time ago!!) She will not be able to sleep all day and use the Internet, forgot about that, that's even more win win win for this trip!!!
DH is beginning try, we've been here before but even this seems like a good idea to me!!! Us agreeing, making decisions together....is this being UNITED ???? A gal can get use to this.....watch this space !!!