How do I talk to my DH about his favortism?
Ok I am new here but I really need a place to go to...so here I am. I am almost 30 years old I have 5 awesome children. I have 2 BD's (11 & 7) and 1 BS (4) and a SD (9) and a SS (8). I have been with my DF for 3 years now but I have know him since we were Freshman in High School. My children and I moved in with him and his children about 6 months ago. I love that man and our children more than words could ever explain. I love being a 'wife' and a Mother. I have 50/50 custody of my children so they are with us every other weekend and 50% durning the week. We have residential custody of my SS so he is with us every night and every other weekend. My step daughter lives with her mom and we have her every other weekend and a couple of evenings a week. It works out so that every other weekend we have all 5 babies and the week nights are kind of scattered. might sound confusing but everything works great for us.
Here is my problem... My DH shows really bad favoritism to his children even in the company of my children. What is ok for his children to do is not even close to ok for my children. and if my children do something wrong he is all over them quick. My children are not perfect in anyway shape or form. But they are more well behaved than his children are. But his children get away with anything they want. I feel like he is constantly picking on my kids and everything they do but if I even try to correct his kids he jumps in
So with out going into examples or pointless details I need some help because it is so unfair to my children that i am starting to resent my SC. My BD is very aware of the injustices of it all and points it out regularly. She doesnt usually whine or cause a huge scene but she tries to talk to my in the car or at the store when we are alone. I am proud of her. I just feel like I am not standing for my kids and I hate that.Please help. How do i talk to my DH without him feeling like I am attacking him or his children? anytime i have tried to talk to him in the past he always acts like a 2 year old and says fine I just won't mess with your kids then. thats not what i am trying to do... I am trying to level the playing field and the rules so that this doesnt become even larger as the kids all enter their teen years.
any advice?
This is what I did when my dh
This is what I did when my dh thought it was ok for his kids to play with my kids toys all the time when ever they wanted but mine couldn't even think about touching his!
I had my son take one of his kids toys and play with it while he was coming in the door and he got mad of course! I told him that that is how me and my kids feel every time he lets his kids play or take things that are not theirs.
My point is sometimes you have to make them feel the same as you do. Do somehting that is the same thing that he is doing and see how he feels about it. Then explain to him that that is how you feel when he does it to you and your kids.
Thank you
Thank you
My Dh and I had this very
:? My Dh and I had this very fight today. My SD who is 8 is an only child and grandchild until he and I married. Now there is 6 total. I am deligent with my kids, God first, others second, yourself last. We all work hard for the things we want and they know the value of a dollar. I suggested to the SD that she do chores to earn the goggles she wanted for swimming. Let me say first she did not know what a chore was or even how to make a bed until we married. She went to Grandmas for a bit today and came back with the goggles. Granted I had bought the other kids the googles when she was at her moms, but I saw it as oppurtunity to teach her value. My kids work for and pay with there own money for most of there wants( video games, magazines, lip gloss etc..) That dosent mean they pay for everything though.
My DH suggested we need to be more consistent with what they had to buy. He thinks its unfair that she would have to buy her googles. My BS who is 10 spent 100.oo of his hard earned money to help pay for our pool membership and my BD who is 6 asked for a tube for the family for summer lake time for her Bday last week. My SD is sweet but very self centered and SPOIIILLLEDD. Yet I can never say anything, yet he disciplnes the others immediatly. No on ever thinks the SD is wrong. LIfe is all about her. SOOOO frustrated
This kind of started when DH
This kind of started when DH and I were dating many years ago. After seeing how DH was (just like your DH). I told him..."He is not to discipline my kids. They are my kids, not his. He needs to worry about his own children"
He was not too happy, but he got over it and eventually agreed that it was much better for each to parent their own kid. It will take the pressure off a lot.
How do you keep things fair?
How do you keep things fair? If he has one set of rules for his kids and I have another set for my kids how do you make it work? I really want to parent our children together so that they all know that they are equals. ugh... sometimes it is just so flippin hard!!!
When all of the kids are with
When all of the kids are with us, they all follow the same rules. If DH feels the need to regress to his previous state of DisneyDadism and insist that skids are above the rules, I give him enough rope to hang himself.
Example: When/If skids don't complete chores, skids don't get allownace or movies or whatever. I use that same theory pretty much across the board. So, when DH starts to show favoritism, I do the same. Pretty soon, he'll approach me, try and call me on it and I will respond, "remember when skids didn't have to do blank or remember when you took skids to blank? Well, I just decided to do the same for Bios." This has worked pretty well for us. DH is doing really well at this point. He has even asked me to pull him aside if I see him showing type of favoritism.
I believe that in order to have a cohesive family unit, everyone needs to working toward the same goals, rowing in the same direction. Why create animosity and hostility with 2 or 3 sets of rules for all the kids? Family is forever, not whenever its convenient or fun.
IMHO
WOW!!!! Are we living the
WOW!!!! Are we living the same life?
I would talk to him and not really care how he feels about it...you're all the kids have. I have had this convo many times with him, and now I normally just talk to him later and talk to my kids to make them feel better. I have also told my kids not to worry so much what he does and says and to let most of it roll off their shoulder. If he oversteps, im there immediately, and if I feel my kids get out of line I let them know too...
Guess i dont have good advice, just letting know i too feel your pain