Do you ever wonder...
Do you ever wonder if you are the problem and its not the BM DH or SK. I have started to wonder this since it seems that my DH worked well with BM and SK were well adjusted until a year into mine and DH relationship. Thats when I started with the "there is no room for me in your life with BM. She is too involved with your current life." On to things going well for me and DH; married child with a child together. Now we are having issues with SK's not wanting to be around and BM has called the cops?? What have I done to make our home so uncomfortable? Am I truly the problem and not BM? Am I the crazy StepMonster?
And why is life so much more comfortable with SK not over? Is it me that is making life so difficult?
I would like for them to have a well working situation similar to before with the exception of BM asking/ involving herself with DH. Now it just seems every time the SK's are over or coming over life is shaken up and unbalanced.
I'm really thinking its me. Anyone else think this at times? I don't know how to change it.
It's not you. Get the book
It's not you. Get the book "Stepmonster"
What has been happening BEFORE you was a disfunctional relationship wherein:
BM called the shots to biodad
Skid(s) called the shots to biodad
Biodad asked "how high" when BM and Skid(s) said "jump!"
Chances are until you came along, BM and Skid(s) were pleased with the "disneydad" biodad arrangement. That is, dad acting as bottomless wallet and entitlement session facilitator.
None of which is good for ANY child.
Auteur: you are so
Auteur: you are so right....
My DH's relationship with BM was always very very difficult but as long as he kept his mouth shut and let her do what she wanted she was ok. They split when SD was 1.5yrs old.
So now fast forward to me coming into the picture when SD was 6 she is now 10..and me saying HELL NO IS SHE GOING TO PULL THAT NONSENSE. Well we now have a very evil BM who will go to the ends of the earth to make life extremely difficult and blame us.
Dont despair ... I think this happens to most SM's....
Z
I wonder this all the
I wonder this all the time.
Before I came into FDH's life. BM acted out some, but now she is insane most of the time.
I know it is because FDH didn't have healthy boundaries before I came along. Basically he was the baby sitter and on call for anything she wanted.
I of course came along and we had a life together so he started telling her no.
That is when the crap hit the fan.
The drama is wearing on us all.
I wish you well,I do understand that feeling. Sometimes I thing they all would be better off if I ended things.
Thank-you for your comments.
Thank-you for your comments. I think that I'm just a bit discouraged. I see how much it hurts DH to hear the BM tell him that his kids don't want to come over.
His son has reduced his time from every other week (yes a full week) to 4 days a month. Now I see it starting to happen with his daughter. BM is saying similar things like can she come over tomorrow instead of today? Can she come home early? Last week BM came to rescue the 'hurt little girl' that was at our house. She even called the police hoping they would remove the daughter from dads house and give her to mom. It didn't work. Now dad is considering giving up his time with his daughter for her sake. Yes I understand that he doesnt want to have his daughter being a pawn, but I really feel for my husband. It kills him to not have his children with him.
I just don't understand why BM would think that not spending time with her dad would be a good thing? The only thing I come up with is me being in the picture.
Yes he has and can be at times a Disney dad but he also has his rules and limits. We don't agree on everything but most things and I know the kids push the limit on the last day because DH wont displine them when they go back to moms. I have also noticed that when rules come up for our child he is a bit less Disney with SK's. I'm assuming that he has noticed a difference in is parenting.
I still can't help but to think that his relationship with is kids would be so much better if I wasn't in the picture.
I would hazard a guess to say
I would hazard a guess to say that most of us spent many years berating ourselves as being the problem, not unlike the mothers of autistic children who were told for decades that their child’s autism was directly due to their cold parenting style. Current research has revealed the dominant influence of genes in autism but one cannot help but be sobered imaging the suffering those mothers endured based on the misinformed opinions of professionals and others in their community. You have brought this on yourself they stoutly stated, hoping that somehow that rejection would stave of their being met with a similar fate.
So it is with stepmothers. They have endured maltreatment in humiliating silence for many years and have been told by almost everyone that if the stepchildren don’t warm up to them it is because stepmom isn’t trying hard enough or is a cold, uncaring woman. Therefore you have failed as a woman and as a mother.
It is encouraging to find stepmother’s coming out in groups such as StepTalk and speaking about the isolation, depression, and alienation in a relationship where everyone wants to hold her as solely responsible for its failure. The unspoken thinking being if we are successful in driving HER out, dad will return even if mother herself has re partnered. Apparently mom is allowed to carry on, but dad isn’t. The logical conclusion would be that is because mom, or some other woman, is the driving force.
Moreover social disapproval and view of stepmothers as predators remains strong. For example I have no doubt that if Casey Anthony was a stepmother she would be sitting on death row right now based on the same evidence deliberated by the same jury. Even though mothers pose a much higher risk to their offspring than a stepmother people refuse to examine their biases.
The stepfamily is a system. Stepmother is the most motivated to make it work. Dad is the second most motivated but too often doesn’t want to or refuses to take any of the risk associated with building a successful stepfamily He ensconces himself firmly in the middle and justifies his inaction as trying to make everyone happy—pure baloney by the way. BM is typically motivated to see that it doesn’t work. Kids don’t want to upset mom so they are motivated to see that it doesn’t work either and they become pretty nifty little enemies. DH’s family can be motivated either way and are hedging their bets based on who has more influence over the kids—usually BM.
You may well be like many of us: a stepmother who has bent over backward and then some and with each successive effort has been met with increasing contempt and hostility. Unless all the players are motivated to make the change it won’t work, and I daresay most of us stepmothers are no longer willing to accept the blame for the failure of others to do their job.