Okay, so here's the whole story. I've known my now husband for three years before we even started dating. He was previously married, and has a son out of that marriage. He's an almost 4 year old named Terry. I first met Terry after we had been together for about a month, and it was a little uncomfortable because I haven't been around a whole lot of children in my life, but I grew to love him as if he were my own child, which is sometimes really hard to do. He's a good little boy, but something's off.
I understand that it's difficult growing up for a child when they're parents aren't together anymore. And I'm sure it's really hard on my SS because he's never at one place. The schedule is... We'll have him at our house one weekend and bring him back to be with the BM on the following Monday, and then we usually have him Tuesday and Wednesday or Wednesday and Thursday and take him back and she has him for the next weekend, and then sometimes in between, we have him almost a full week.

Okay, so let's start off with all of my BM problems.

1. Every single time she can't get Terry to listen or he whines or anything... she calls my husband and it really ticks me off because she has three other children. It makes me wonder what she does when she has a problem with them.
2. She doesn't discipline Terry, she makes her boyfriend do it.
3. Where he goes to Preschool is HER decision, when my husband had already enrolled him in a Preschool right down the road, so we had to change our plans.
4. We always have to drop him off or pick him up at her house. I've only seen her come and get him one time, and that's because she was already in the area. Does anyone understand how much gas that is a week?
5. She has 7 people living in a two bedroom house.
6. She always thinks that if things aren't her way (such as the Preschool thing), she'll lose food stamps and any other help she gets on Terry, when she doesn't have him or feed him nearly as much as we do anyway.

Now here's my problems with Terry...

1. He WILL NOT listen to me. It doesn't matter what I do, he says "No" or does what I tell him not to do, especially when I'm watching him by myself.
2. He wets himself every night, yet my husband lets him sleep on the couch every single night so he can watch cartoons until midnight or 1AM, which I would never let my child do. It ends up making our couch smell like urine and I can't stand having to go to my bedroom early. And I've already talked to my husband about this, by the way.
3. Terry's addicted to video and computer games. He asks to play games over 20 times a day, and every single time I'm on the computer he comes in here and tells me to get off because he "NEEDS" to play games.
4. Terry has no respect for women. Since he doesn't respect his mom, he doesn't respect me.
5. He's addicted to PopTarts. We usually cut him off from food after a certain time, and we woke up in the middle of the night a few nights ago and he had gotten up, gotten a chair and pushed it up against the counter, climbed up the chair and onto the counter and gotten poptarts. My husband told him that he was only telling him once not to do it, but he did it the next day and got a spanking. Then... he did it again and just got told not to do it again... then got to play video games 5 minutes later. That, in my opinion, doesn't make him think he did anything wrong.

I just don't know what to do. I love my step son so much, but I'm to the point where I don't want to be here sometimes. Is that wrong? Am I wrong?

How do I deal with these issues?