You sound very much at the point I was not long ago. For years I endured the very type of stress you have related in your post. It really does take a toll on your mental state. I got to the point that I felt shaky inside, I was angry and defensive, I felt like I was the one under constant attack, emotionally I felt cornered and I was fighting for my life to be heard.

Then I got physically ill, still going thru lots of tests as several things have happened. It was too much to handle, I simply could not do it anymore. I felt I was sinking fast so I started counseling. This has finally saved me from the years of torment.

All this blame the steps hand out are due to the issues they have with their own bio parents. You have become the safe target and if you are in the same situation as I was, both BM and BD have allowed this behavior from them and have not given you the proper support. As long as you remain their scapegoat you will continue to be blamed for everything. I actually told my youngest SS, "hell no" with one of his last mind game playing requests. Of course that made him mad, he went on this huge tyraid and said all kinds of hateful hurtful things. Luckily it was via email (he didn't have the balls otherwise), and I never read the emails. That was it for it. I told myself I would not longer have anything to do with husband's children, the very boys I raised, and I have not.

Counselor said that I had become so used to chaos and had absorbed so much dysfunction into my life that I did not know how to live my life for me, and that is what she has me working on and has been for almost 7 months now.

These kids will destroy you, not only emotionally but physically too as the stress will play into your health. You have to draw hard boundaries, you have to make these known to your husband, and you have to start seeking what is best for yourself.

My bio children have even found fault in me doing what I have but they ahve no way to comprehend what I have endured so I don't talk about the boys with my daughters anymore. My inlaws have jumped to the boys' defense, fine. I had to save myself as I was making a slow trip to the mental house the way I was going.

My counselor has made me realize there was absolutely nothing I could have done, I was in a real tough position, I did what I had to and now I have no obligation. They will never be able to see what good I have done as they do not want to see it. they will never undertand where I have come from because they only want to focus on their own negative acspects and viewpoints. They want to blame because they hurt and that hurt comes from mom and dad's divorce, the problems in the relationship between my husband and his ex and their anger towards each other.

I am the type that likes to see people get along and I have a great deal of compassion for people and especially children. I took all this on feeling capable of bringing 2 families together and resolving differences but that did not happen. BM and husband could not get over their issues with one another and there was a great deal of hurt there from the boys on account of all that happened between the two of them. BM had abandoned the boys when they were small and oldest espcially yearned dearly for his mother but when she did come back in their lives it was with avengence. Here were 2 boys not wanting to hurt mommy or should would abandoned them again and basically I took the hits, I became the target for these boys' hurts, I was the convenient scapegoat. But NO MORE!

For us older ones on this site it generally seems to be the same story. If you put your foot down and say "no" to a request that is creating a hardship or too many problems for your own household then you are at fault. If your husband says "no" you are at fault.

It is a no- win situation. It took me a few years to catch on to the fact that I am best to stay out of the step drama. Nothing you do is going to be appreciated. Anything "you" do for them will be credited to their father. In my own case the dinners, family reunions, childcare, money loaned out, and paying off much of their father's debt so he could have a better life was just credited as dad's own doing.

The reality was that dad never had much of a relationship with them. He had put himself into debt throwing money at them in exchange for a pat on the back. Child care for him is smiling for the camera as he drives the grandkids around in the wagon hooked up to the back of the tractor. Get togethers such as reunions, dinners, picnics consist of smiling for the picture as he flips the hamburger over.

I did expect we would be this happy extended family. My wrong. That will not happen when there are grown children who feel they must pick mom over dads wife. Does not matter if you are married for many years. You are looked at as only temporary.

Best move I ever made was to just STOP. Stop the dinners. Stop the child care. Stop taking in the grandchildren when the mother's screwed up and children's service gets involved. Stop using my finances to help out. When everything came to a screaching halt then contact was minimal to nothing.

All of the comments echo what I've gone through too for over 20 years - maybe a few minor differences but the same BS from SD36+. Up until this year I out up with the 'blame game' and all of the abusive crap SD and her husband would dish out when they were visiting. You know, the sweetsie sweet stuff in front of Dad, the sadistic nastiness when he was not present. Treating me like I was invisible. Never acknowledging anything I did for her Father including free rent and financial help so she could get through college then calling me ignorant because I could not afford to finish my own college. Always being accused of making them 'uncomfortable' with no specifics - when in reality THEY made ME feel uncomfortable, and I DID have specifics. Always giving to them for birthdays and holidays while they totally ignored my birthdays, etc. Always treated like I was a bitch with no support from DH while the Princess was placed on a pedastal. Finally it all came to a head in December when SD and hubby yelled at the top of their lungs at me while DH ran out the door. That was the end of an era - I can tell you! Suddenly I said, "Enough!" As of today SD is not longer allowed in my house until she can treat me with respect which she will never do. DH continues to communicate with her sporadically at best, then wonder why he does not recieve birthday or Father's Day cards or phone calls. And I STILL get the feeling he does not communicate to her his support for me. But like you, I have finally come to the point where I will not allow abusive people around me. I honestly beleive now that I deserve to be respected in my own home. If SD never comes back into my life it will be too soon for me! It is too bad she never gave me a chance. But then SHE is the one who is and will be missing out!

Amen, Amen, Amen to all of the above posts! Likewise, my family has been much happier since these adult spoiled drama queens have not darkened our doorway! I would not put up with this hateful vindictive behavior from anyone else why in the world would they think I would put up with it from them......... There's a reason Daddy can't be bothered to call and it has nothing to do with me!!!

Yes indeedy, I can relate. My SD (27) has been gone a month now and our lives are definitely more peaceful. It should have been that way from the start. But SD had to throw childish, petty antics in the dynamics because I think she was dumb enough to believe DH would chose her over me. She's gone, and I wish her well. But I will never forget the drama she caused during a time when DH and I were going through other challenges.

I have a buddy who feels I should try to get closer to SD, like she caused me grief when she was a child who didn't know any better, as opposed to a manipulative adult. I want to choke my buddy because she just doesn't get it. While I do forgive my SD, I doubt we'll ever be close because of her personality. She recently told DH to tell me hello. And I flashed back to a time when she wouldn't speak to me when we lived together under the same roof. I know all too well who she is and what she's capable of. I'm cordial and pleasant to SD, but that's as far as it's going. I'm not hanging out, calling her, emailing her, etc. She ruined that dynamic in our relationship.

At the end of life's journey, a legacy of love and kindness, will trump everything else. We all need as many positive, loving relationship as possible. Those who thrive off venom and conflict are pathetic and to be pited because in the end they are the real losers.

I'd never waste my precious time cooking for someone who's treated me shabby. Not happening.

I think SD got most of her nasty traits from BM as well. Hope she doesn't end up like BM (divorced from DH, engaged twice since then, and still single looking for love).