I know a lot of people will disagree with me…but, I think it all depends on the custody schedule you have and the age of the kids. If you are a 4 day a month smom….then no, you really have no business taking in a parenting role. IMHO. If you are 50/50 or full time then of course you have to take some type of limited parenting role.

The reason a lot of us do that is b/c their fathers don't parent them and if we try the dh's get mad at us for hurting poor johnny's feelings! :sick:

But at the same time these kids have a mom and dad and I'm not one of them. I can't parent the way I see fit so I don't at all. b/c trust me if they were mine things would be SOOO different. I can not be a parent to them if their parents are not on the same page as me and they aren't. Dh thinks I'm way too harsh even on my own kids. Oh but wait MY kids are doing sooo much better at life them his kids will ever think about..They think the world owes them a living and should just hand them anything and everything they want and need and could care less about anyone.

Just like ss15 thinks that I should let him drive my new car on an expired permit and of course bubble butt thought I was being cruel and hurt his little feelings.

That is why most of can't be a parent and that is why I can't be a parent b/c If I was they would hate me oh they would hate me!! I would first make them accountable for their grades and then if they signed up for a sport they would have to finish that year. I would also make them do extra credit, and volunteer at a senior center or library or somehting. Then I would limit them on the computer and games and stuff. I would also have a bed time for them. But nope I'm not their mom or dad! That is the frustration most of feel when it comes to step kids.

I think that depends on a few factors.
Age of skid.
Length of time you've been around.
If you were the cause for the divorce.
Amount of time skid is in your home.

I do not believe there is a "one size fits all" answer to this.

Why in the world would you throw in 'If you were the cause for the divorce'. That was just mean and cruel besides how you know either way? Plus the kid should not know about that crap anyway unless the mom is PASING! And it sounds like you are judging.

I think it's best to assume a "teacher" role with skids. The trend is to slip into "buddy" and chances are they already have that in their bioparents.

I am a stickler for traditional parenting. I believe that there is an adult/child divide. That the bioparents should PARENT and not BE-FRIEND (a rarity nowadays) and a stepparent should have a measure of authority over a skid, any child really as an adult authority figure.

At no time should a stepparent have 100% responsibility for a child and yet 0% authority as is so common in particularly NCP SM world.

I completely agree, future DH and I tried to start me out as their "friend" lets just say it was a hair pulling nightmare. His girls are 4 and 6 and the BM turned them against me so fast play friend wasn't going to work after all "I am not their mom" as they screamed and had a huge fit when ever I said anything. I wish that we never start the I am your friend thing, it was the biggest mistake ever!

weekendstress - maybe you have been reading different posts from me, but I was a bit puzzled by your comments saying so many posts say try to be a friend to your stepkids. I haven't seen any posts saying that, to be honest. Most of the people on Steptalk try hard to co-parent, or if this proves impossible, then disengage. I think most parents and step parents realise that trying to be "a friend" is setting yourself on a very difficult and unwise road.

I am not their friend. I am their stepmom. I am not their Mom. I don't want to be. I will cook for you because I like to. I will make sure you do not get hit by a car or abducted by a stranger if we are out. I will help with homework if asked. That is it. It is not my responsibility to raise you. That has been my attitude for the last two years. Because when I did try to be more than this, I got beaten down for it. So it is not worth it.

Personally, I think every household is different and you kind of have to figure out what works for you in each situation. Just like with a nuclear family, I think each parent plays their specific role in the childs life. I want my kids (all of them) to know that they have to do as I say, but also feel comfortable enough with me to come to me with ANYTHING. I think that should be true in any situation, what we each have to figure out is, how far to we take the discipline with the Skids, and what our expectations are as far as who follows through with that. Both of us in our house. Whoever is present does the discipline. The amount of time the kids are in the household plays in, how long you have been a part of their lives also plays a huge part. I wouldn't expect a 17 year old skid that I have just become a part of their life to repect me as a parent. But I sure as hell better be respected as an ADULT, and my home had better be respected.

I just don't think there is a black and white answer for this.

I say I am more a friend then a mom........but I don't mean a BFF sitting on her bed talking boys. I mean I am not the one I want her to come to and ask permission for anything. I am their to lend an ear......yes; I will be nice to her when she chooses to be nice to me. I am their when DH needs advice on how to handle her or what her punishment should be or if we should let her spend the night somewhere........etc.

I don't think befriending is the right thing to do, but unless there is a parental kind of love, then a teacher like, coach like role seems best, depending on age, time spent together etc. To parent is more than just set the rules and enforcing them. One can be the grown up in the house and expect respect, but not try and parent the skids. As far as the cheating thing, any behavior that our society deems as immoral ( and that is ever changing) is going to compromise true respect, which is different than just showing someone respect. That applies to steps, bio parents and teachers, particularly with teens. As they come into adulthood, but still lack true empathy, they won't take to well to being lectured by those they have seen "blow it". When they get older and have more life experience, they will hopefully become more understanding and willing to hear the wisdom even if it comes from someone who has messed up.

I think even a 10% sparent should be a parent figure if the ground work is laid out right. I would rather my daughter's smom be a responsible adult that loves and helps cares for my child than one that could give a shit less about her.

That being said, I fully support my exh - and would expect my daughter to have complete respect for the adults in that house. It is not HER decision who her dad should marry, who she should listen to to make her behave and care for her, or to have a right to have a say in the rules of the house.

Did that work with my step situation? NO - by the time my sd was 14-15 she hated my guts, rarely spoke to me in my home, was down right rude, told my younger DD 4-5 at the time, that we lied to her, that we could not be trusted that the only one that wouldn't lie to her was SD. She told us repeatedly that "when" she turned 18 she would no longer visit. I quit being her parent, I quit being her friend, and I coexisted with her in her dad's life. She is now 20 and finally realizing that to get anything done, she has to come through me, because her dad does not think the same way.

So if she wants to know when we can get together for dinner, the best person to contact is me, because her dad will have to say. Let me check with 12yrstepmonster......she has the family calendar. NO I WASN'T controlling their visits for all those years. I WAS TRYING TO MAKE SURE HE COULD BE EVERYWHERE.

Now SS is 14 - he rarely speaks to me, he has been in my opinion disrespectful in his ways. He is a guest in my house and is treated as such (with the exception he has his own bed).

I'm not the Kid's friend- My friends are not children but adults.
I'm not his parent- he has a pair of those already.

I'm an adult in whose house he will one day visit. I'm what people call "a trusted adult"; you know how they tell kids, if they are scared or worried, to talk to a "police, teacher, coach, or other trusted adult"?

That right there is me. I am pretty neutral about stuff. I demand and deserve respect but I want no say in punishment or nurturing. I'll make enough for three when I cook, but I'm not going to spend an entire meal arguing about how many bites someone took of peas. If anyone hurts the Kid I'll do anything I can to help him. But a friend OR a parent? No thanks, no.

I'm childfree for a reason.

I have a lot of friends with kids and this is the kind of role I'd take if ANY of them were at my house once a month. If ANY of them were rude without apologizing, or in any other way acted horribly, they wouldn't be invited back on the same terms...this holds for the Kid too. Visitation will happen but it happening in MY home depends upon everyone being aware that disrespect isn't allowed here.

This was one of the things the Mister and I recently discussed when we made our plans to live together.