A couple things as a up and coming Step Dude
Alright, well.. A couple things I guess (SD5 every other week 50/50)
1.) SD5 is finally starting to say, "You can't boss me around like that, only mommy can." How do I react to this? I reacted once with, "Well, here's the deal, I do a lot for you, little one. If you don't listen to me, I can stop doing all those nice things for you. You need to listen to me just like you would listen to your mom." - Is there a better approach here?
2.) In the scenario above I got spoken to by my fiancee about the fact that "You are needed here, she needs the disipline you're showing her." I can imagine it's difficult as a mother to a daughter to make things so black and white as far as giving in to the whining and the crying to get what she wants and the negative impact allowing her what she wants after whining and crying about it.(positive reinforcement for negative actions makes children act out for attention, and seek attention in negative ways) I know it has to break a mother's heart to have to sit and listen to their crying child so I believe that's what she's talking about. The fact that I have told the SD5 that her crying to me will never get her what she wants. This shuts her up pretty quick believe it or not. However my fiancee also told me that I need to be "accepting" of SD5 as well.. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this for some reason. So I am looking for some insight into what she may have meant by that. The BF does not show discipline, he just has a breaking point and screams at his daughter, apparently throws stuff around and succeeds only in scaring the living hell out of his child. My fiancee is just.. Mom, you know? Just kind of a push-over when it comes to her daughter, I'm the only person in her life that consistantly keeps her in check (or tries) I guess what I'm asking here is how do I do that and still let her know that I'm accepting of her, and that.. as much as a step father can love a step daughter that has a real father in her life.. I do love her and care about her.
3.) What happens when she starts saying, "You're not my Dad, you can't tell me what to do!" Because I know we're not far from this, I can feel it. My first reaction would be to say something along the lines of, "Well, when you're here I am your Dad whether you like it or not, you have to listen to me. I'm not telling you to do or not to do things because I'm mean, it's for your safety and well being." (I can't wait till she's older and she actually understands more of what I'm saying and may have some empathy for what I'm attempting to tell her.) Let me know if I'm on the right track.
4.) How do I stop thinking a certain way? I have it in my head that if at some point in time my Fiancee and the BF tried to work things out I'd be toast. I know their marriage was garbage, no sex life, no communication, violent shouting matches sometimes turning into borderline domestic disturbances, he has zero respect for her still to this day... However I can't help but feel like my fiancee has such a hard time being a part time mother that if given a chance she might be with the BF just so she can see her little girl all the time. She swears this is not the case and that it would never happen, and I do trust her.. I just can't shake the thought ever, and my skin crawls every time they have to talk about something. Are these normal feelings? We're still in a pretty young relationship.. 7 months. I'm 23, she's 32. Perhaps it's a maturity issue that I will reach in time when I'm good and ready? Perhaps I need to see her actions more and listen to her words less? I would just like to feel comfortable knowing that I get to have her forever and that I'm not a fool for wanting to have a child with her. How often to people going through divorces actually work things out? Is this a preconceived notion that I have because I simply don't know enough about their relationship; thus making me completely paranoid about the situation?
THANKS IN ADVANCE!
Ok I will just answer with
Ok I will just answer with numbers like you laid it out...
1. In response to the "Only Mommy can boss me around" I would say something like "I may not be your parent, but I am an adult, and children are to respect ALL adults."
2. I'm not sure why your fiance feels you aren't accepting of her daughter? I would say as long as you treat the little girl well and don't act constantly annoyed by her, your partner should realize you are being "accepting" if you weren't, you would probably already have left would you not?
3. I have been in my SD's life since she was 2, she is now 8 and I have never heard the "You're not my Mommy" phrase come out of her mouth. But again I would simply state, "You're right I am not your Dad, but I am an ADULT, and I am the man your Mom chose to be her partner, and as a child you should respect ME as an adult. I don't think you should say the part about "I am your Daddy when you are here" Even though it doesn't sound confusing to you, this might bother your step daughter or confuse her and make her feel torn.
4. And to the how do you stop thinking a certain way...well...I don't have a great answer for that one. Hell I still have those thoughts sometimes. But in my relationship, it was once a reality. Actually a few times. I met my DH when I was 21, he was 25. We were together for 8 months and then broke up for the first time. He got back with BM almost immediately. I was heartbroken but I tried to move on. A few weeks later I get a call from him begging for me to come back to him, that he made a huge mistake. That he thought he needed to have his family back together for the sake of his daughter. We got back together. We broke up again the next year. (I was still partying as a 21 year old does, he wanted me to settle down) He got back with BM AGAIN. A week later, he is calling me again saying he again made a huge mistake. When it was said and done, I had hooked up with other people as well so it was easier for me to forgive him and give it another try. There were several more bumps in the road but things have been great between us for a long while now. (minus the BM drama....she is nothing but trouble, and at this point I think she will always be trouble) It is a tough position you are in and I understand completely!! I have gone to therapy a few times, and this website has helped to change my thinking A LOT!!! ...if you have any more questions just message me!!
1) You need to be certain
1) You need to be certain your partner supports you 100% in your stance. SHE needs to reinforce, with her daughter, that indeed you CAN boss her around like that, & your partner needs to help enforce the follow-through on your parenting. If she does not willing to do so, she might as well be the one telling you that you cannot boss her child around.
2) You absolutely should be accepting of the little girl. However, accepting her & accepting her poor behavior are completely different. Accepting/excusing/ignoring poor behavior will ruin a child.
3) You can say, "I'm not your dad, but I am responsible for you & I CAN tell you what to do in our home". I think you're on the track with your thinking, but I wouldn't attempt to tell her you're her dad even in your home. Chances are at some point it will irk someone (either her or her bio-d) & will likely create more issues.
4) In my opinion, those feelings are dangerous in a relationship. If you can't shake the feeling, there's a reason for it. There's no reason for her to be spending time with bio-d just to see her child. His time is his. Her time is hers. She needs to accept that. Not to suggest it's easy or that she won't miss her child. For the sake of moving forward, both for herself & her child, she needs to accept it. She needs to create distractions to fill the time the little girl is with her dad, & learn to enjoy & appreciate the time she has without her child. It's healthy for her to have time to be an individual & not always have to be the mother.
Honestly, in what I've read in your previous posts, I think there are a lot of unresolved issues in your situation. I think that coming into a step-situation with a woman who's 9 years your elder who has already experienced marriage, family life, & divorce creates a number of issues alone. The fact that you have doubts & insecurities in regards to her emotional ties to her ex create another set of issues.
From what I've read, it really sounds like your relationship with this little girl is probably the smallest of your issues at this point.
After 15 long years of toil,
After 15 long years of toil, I have reached a few very important conclusions, some of which may pertain to you.
1. If you are a step-father, you MUST have 100% support from your spouse. She must grant you parental authority and back you up. If she is not willing to do this, you must disengage and let DW handle her kids.
2. If your DW's spouse is an antagonistic ass, as many of them are, you must step back and let your DW handle it. It took me a long time to learn this one, as I always wanted to be DW's "knight in shining armor." It's her ex, and her kid; and she needs to handle it.
3. In the vast majority of cases, step-parents don't count for shit. On the flip sides, bio-parents are "perfect." This is harsh, but it is the truth. You will constantly be reminded of "perfect" bio-daddy's perfection. This will wear on even the strongest personalities. No matter how hard you try, you will never count as a "real" parent.
4. You must learn to accept that, in most cases, these skids will not turn out the way that you would want your own kids to be. Many of them will be lazy, unhygenic slobs. Many will develop drug habits, steal, or get in trouble with the law. Many of them will have entitlement attitudes of epic proportions. This is usually caused by "guilty" parenting by your DW.
5. Last, and most important, you must learn to accept that you will always play second fiddle to your skids, at least as long as they are living in the house with you. Do not allow your skids to live with you as adults. By the time they graduate high school (for those that actually graduate), you need to have a well-defined "exit strategy" for getting the skids out of the house. Start working on this well in advance.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this is the reality of most step-dads. I hope that you are the exception to the rule, but you probably aren't.