Why is it that everyone knows what's best for me but me?
I am POed! I have been in counseling for 7 months now, doing very well. Realizing that I have surrounded myself with very narcissistic people who think they can tell me what to do, what to say, how I should feel, etc. Been doing as my counselor has advised with these people, and really have been focusing on myself trying to get myself healthy again.
I got this email today and while I liked the message in the link, this coming from one of my kids did not set well with me as again I feel like I am being judged by them.....I did not do this or that for them, blah, blah, blah. How would you take this if you got this from your adult child after years of being told I never met their standards?
***This may be too "churchy" for you, but it has a good message. I would like to be close with you like this...
http://www.crosswalk.com/faith/women/are-you-lonely.html ***
Bio dad had an affair, messed around on his second wife, could not hold a job or tell the truth if his life depended on it. We were always struggling and it was me who was trying to keep everything going and smooth out the bumps while he did his merry thing with no consideration for anyone but himself. When he filed for divorce he left the state and basically abandoned his children. When he came back in the kids' lives with the encouragement of his second wife, it was nothing but lies to try and sway the kids to make me look bad and make it look like he had reason.
But what do about hear from kids about their dad? How great he is and how he is getting his life together and on & on about how wonderful this man is. And I am flabber-gasted that I am the one in the judgement seat. It just really hits hard sometimes and today getting this email it was like another stab to the heart.
Well, somebody else must be
Well, somebody else must be pretty lonely because it appears they had to take time to search for this link - just for you. They COULD have been out with a friend if they had one, right? Yes, being in the judgement seat is hurtful because you know you do not deserve it. And it seems so unfair that the man who deserted them should get credit for anything. Obviously, when he abandoned the kids he was no longer giving the kids moral support but did he continue to send financial support?
I adopted older kids who accused me of everything under the sun, and are STILL nailing me to the cross for things I was not guilty of - I have proved it. What really amazes me is that some people in my family remain in contact with them and treat me like crap. I think this 'primed' me for being treated unfairly by SD and DH later on. And like you, I kept quiet, hoping other people would see the truth. What has changed for me is that I no longer allow ANYONE to treat me disrespectfully or to put me unfairly on a 'judgement seat' - no matter WHO it is and if they see the truth or not. I no longer remain silent. They also know my life will go on happily, and if they want to be part of it there has to mutual respect. Otherwise it is their loss. Because SD refuses to be tolerant of me in my own home, and because DH refuses to insist she stop her unacceptable behavior, she can stay away from our home. This means they will be very inconvenienced until the situation changes. That is a price they choose to pay.
I remember a so-called friend who started sending me links which pointed to what she thought were my shortcommings. I started sending her links about manners (hers were terrible) and it stopped.
So --- your therapist is right. Focus on yourself. Ask yourself if this was another person besides your kid, would you continue the freindship? It appears Biodad has been 'tooting his horn'. It's time you did too. Tell your kid you love them but you deserve better treatment for haning in there all of those years. Good luck to you.
My ex was granted $50 a month
My ex was granted $50 a month child support per child because he was unemployed at the time of the divorce. He dodged the system and ended up on the dead-beat dad list and had a court order to work. It took the state 8 years to catch up to him. Over a lousy $100 a month total....can you beleive that?!!
Yep, I stopped being silent too. Done being kicked around like a piece of trash. I may even be a bit on the sensative side but all the lies and the crap I have dealt with because of my ex has finally pushed me to my limits.
This daughter and I used to be close. She claims it was because she had hard feelings for her dad that made us close. I didn't know she had hard feleings for her dad. I don't like to talk about the girl's father with them and when they woud complain I would just tell them, "that's your dad," and not go into anything. They have a right to love their father. I never wanted to make my kids feel like they were in a tug-of-war game or make them feel like they had to side. Howver, this man has done some REAL damage. When he came back in the kids lives he went to every length to alienate me for them with his lies. So here is the man that left them, comes back, they want his love and acceptance, feel they could lose him again and are totally sucked in by his manipulation and it makes me furious.
Unfortunately this daughter has always been the type to feel like she had the answers. If her younger half sister wouldn't want to eat her dinner and we told her that she had to finish her meat for example, my daughter would them tell her she had to eat 3 more bites.....basically undermining my authority. She does the same with her sister's kids. She hints to me about forgiveness towards her stepbrothers. So I took her sending the link as very judgmental and telling me yet again how I should live and it didn't set well.