Need help before I wreck this kid (SD8) even more than she already was.
Hello, this is my first post and I apologise for the length but it's been over two years coming and I really need some input.
My SD8 moved in with us 2 and a half years ago. I thought it was just a temporary solution because BM was going through some tough times. Well as it turns out, she is as crazy as everyone made her sounds and she proceeded to disappear for 8 months. No phone calls at Christmas or birthdays or even to check up and make sure she was adjusting to our new living arragements. Now she pops up every 3 or 4 months with a phone call and promises she never keeps. She doesn't send us any money nor make any attempts to help out with the raising of her daughter. I'm sure this is where a lot of my issues are coming from. This kid is a horror. From stealing (from a store, from me from other people), blatantly lying when she is clearly busted, not listening, we used to get notes sent home everyday with school. She has since been diagnosed with ADHD and while it has greatly improved her experiences at school, I still feel that I am beating my head of a wall with the stealing, lies, ect at home. It has been a constant struggle since the beginning and it's beginning to show in my bahviour. I no longer want to spend any amount of time with her. Have caught myself using foul language a couple times or saying something I shouldn't have. I have nothing nice to say. This is killing me because before her I was not like that at all. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Anytime we leave the house, to go for dinner or such, she does something stupid and wrecks it. My husband works away from home for 2 weeks and then is home for 1 week so I have been the primary caregiver for this child. My husband's family lives close but sees her maybe once or twice a month. I love this kid, but i haven't liked her for a long time. We have tried talking, counsellors, yelling, taking away privilages, chores, spanking, time outs, homework and nothing seems to work.
Here is a normal day in our life. I get up at 7 am to make her lunch, then I get her out of bed. She is usually tired and grouchy because she doesn't go to bed and stay in bed when she is asked. I can't even bring myself to say good morning anymore. I turn on her light, lay out her clothes and when she is ready she comes down for breakfastt. After telling her at least 5 times to use her table manners(she had never eaten at a table before sher came to live with us) she finishes breakfast and then goes upstairs. From there she has to brush her teeth and hair and make her bed. I have to remind her everyday to do at least 1 of those things and tell her at least 10 times to hurry because a plain white wall will distract her. From here she reads if she has some time and then I walk her to school. I sit at home and stew, because it makes no sense for me to work for 2 dollars and hour if I have to pay a sitter and I'm waiting for school in January. (I have already taken these courses but I was in them when she first came to live with us, so adjusting to a child in the household took its toll on my schooling.) I go pick her up when she is done and if she has been good and doesn't have any homework she has free time. However all the bad behaviour and choices have gotten a lot of things to do have been taken away from her. She rarely watches TV and if she does manage to get it back, she loses it within a day or two. She has 2 nintendo DS's that she hasn't been allowed to use for months. All toys that she can fit into her pockets have been thrown out becuse she sneaks them to school and plays with them in class. She has had a lot of other special things taken away because they are the only things that seem to phase her even the slightest. So then comes supper. I will make supper and have been eating in the living room for at least a year because I can't enjoy my meal when I have to ask her to sit up, or eat with her mouth closed, or get her elbows off the table, or not talk with food in her mouth UGH!! so she eats by herself. After having some more free time which for her involves taking my stuff, wrecking the house by hanging on her closet or punching holes in the wall with the tack from her calender, finding something stupid to lie about, she will shower and then she goes and reads for 15 mins before bed. While supposed to be in bed, I am in her rooming telling her to go back to bed sometimes until midnight (she goes to bed at 8:30) and then we wake up and do it all over again.
My husband will come home and she gets even worse. Rules get bent, routines get wrecked and shit hits the fan. My husband doesn't have to deal with this on a daily basis so he is able to be more relaxed and I don't feel that's fair. It makes us fight because I am constantly complaining about his kid. He's says he's at work and there is nothing he can do about it but then he comes home and we all fight. I feel like this kid is wrecking my marriage and my life. I know she is hurting and I have tried to help but I am giving up because nothing is changing. I'm tired of having the same fights, same negativity, some hopelessness hanging over me everyday. If someone was to ask me if I even wanted this child in my life anymore and I had to be honest, it would be no. If I thought her mother could provide what she needs, I would have ask my husband to send her away already. Being so resentful and angry, does not help this kid at all but I am stuck.
Doesn anyone have any ideas on other ways I can if nothing else just be able to relax a bit? It feels like I'm on edge all the time and it's killing me. I can't be a good step parent when I feel like this. Also, what are some successful ways to stop with lying. Out of everything, that is the one thing that makes me go from 0 to RAGING in no time flat. For example, she was supposed to be finishing her homework after school while I was filing some papers upstairs. I heard things so went down to check and when I got the bottom of the stairs could clearly see she was not in her seat. So when I was walking to the kitchen she jumped off the counter, ran to her chair with a mouthful of something, and proceeded to tell me she hadn't left her chair. How am I supposed to react to this with anything but anger after we do this everyday?
Again I'm sorry for the length but any input would be greatly appreciated before I mess this kid up even more than she already is. I seriously consider leaving everyday simply because I can't stand her anymore. But I love my husband and know she would have no where to go. So like I said before, I'm stuck.
I think that you should be
I think that you should be angry with your DH and not so much on the SD. I mean it's his kid and he goes to work and leaves you to take care of her for 2 weeks at a time!! I don't think so. He needs to either get a job closer to home, or yall move closer to where he works, something. He has a dauther at home that needs him there every day. Her mother is no good and he needs to step up the plate and not put his responsibilites off on you. That is not fair to you or to his daughter.
I agree. Next time he is
I agree. Next time he is home, I will bring it up and see what he thinks. We can't move to him because he works on oil rigs. That's all he has done since Grade 10 and they get paid a lot better than any jobs around here where he would be home. So sad to say this will probably cause a fight but seems may be a necessary conversation. You are right, It's not fair to her or I and it's more his responsibility to fix this than mine. Thanks for your comment.
I agree with the above
I agree with the above poster. This is his issue, and if you look at it from SD8's perspective, neither of her parents want anything to do with her. She's been abandoned by her mom, and her father spends most of his time away. She won't be able to understand the circumstances emotionally.
So, I have some radical ideas here.
1) Forget about the little stuff. Some of the things you described here are pretty severe (lying, stealing, etc). However, some of them are not that bad. Her table manners, while irritating, are not going to make a huge dent in her life or yours. So try to forget about that for now, and plan on working on it later when she's calmed down a bit (if you intend to stay)
2) Exercise. If she's ADHD, she needs it. I would plan on taking walks, jogs, visiting the park, lifting weights, cycling. Anything. That could possibly help with the distractibility and the sleeping problems.
3) Let go of alot of the responsibility you've taken on. She's 8. She can make her own breakfast. Teach her how to make a ham sandwich or a peanut sandwich and she can make one either in the morning, or at night before she goes to bed so she'll have something to eat in the morning. If she doesn't clean her room or make her bed, don't make her. Her dad can deal with the ENORMOUS MESS when he comes back home.
4) If you have the money, buy some cameras and put them in problem areas of the house. If she's going to lie to you, she doesn't deserve privacy. Take her bedroom door off. Whatever you have to do. Currently, SS5 is not allowed to play in his room with SS2 because he lies about teasing him there. If he keeps it up, he won't be allowed in his room except to sleep and change clothes.
5) This is radical, so bare with me. Think about homeschooling for a year. Part of the problem here is that she has three sets of authority to contend with (you, DH, and school) and she can escape each set by going to the next. If she's stuck at home with you, she will have to learn to play by your rules. There is nowhere to escape to. I know right now this is not something you want to hear or even think about, but it may be your best option. She's become familiar with playing people and places against each other. If you ground her for a year, she will have much less ability to manipulate her way out of consequences, and will probably give up on it altogether. After that year, you will probably have an entirely different kid.
6) And this is absolutely necessary no matter what you intend to do (except if you decide to leave), draw the line with DH. He is screwing up your relationship with SD, and any progress you make with her. I understand he wants to show her he loves her, but damaging your relationship with SD by being "the nice parent" is creating a dysfunctional living situation not only for but for SD as well. Tell him you won't take care of his daughter unless he agrees to your rules (you're the one taking care of her afterall) and sticks to them.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
All very good suggestions,
All very good suggestions, thank you for your thoughts and ideas. Nice to hear a new approach or two. Makes me feel hopeful that I haven't exhausted all my options just yet.
Welcome to the site end! Its
Welcome to the site end! Its like pulling teeth to get my Sd7 to do anything. Most of the time, I have to ask her at least 20 times before she makes the attempts to do it and then, I have to go behind her to make sure she does it right (which rarely happens). Most of the time I have to do it anyways because its never done right. She rushes or doesnt pay attention to what she is doing! Please feel free to add me as a friend if you like.
Katie
It sounds like both you and
It sounds like both you and SD8 have a very lonely existence.
For her:
Give her something to look forward to in the morning. “Tonight, after supper, you and I are going to do x, y, z together” Then do something creative together for 45 minutes. Colour a poster. Do a puzzle. Or have her help you follow a simple recipie for cookies.
“Friday, after supper, you and I are going to a movie…yay! Girls night out”. Movies are easy with kids. Not a lot of interaction needed.
For you.
Get his parents to take her for the evening once a week. Get DH to get them on board with this. And YOU go out and do something just for you.
These are all great
These are all great suggestions.^^^. I was a pretty crazy kid, but having something positive at stake always calmed me down and helped me look at things in perspective.
Also, YES! on the idea of having grandparents and whoever else take care of her sometimes (at least one night a week).
Additionally, PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF! I know it's hard to do in this situation as you have been landed with a half grown kid with none of the time to get used to be being a parent. It took me a VERY LONG TIME to get used to my SS's, and they are pretty awesome kids. Do not expect too much of yourself. Do not try to make yourself love her and feel overly affectionate toward her. This is will only make you feel more frustrated and upset. Try to think of her as a niece, or even a kid you are babysitting. It will help you feel much less pressured.
So after talking to my
So after talking to my husband and getting no where, I have decided to disengage. I have to look out for me because no one else is willing to even a bit. Needless to say it is very akward around the house but refreshing that I do not have to be mad 90% of time. I only hope my marriage is strong enough to survive this. He has to quit his job and find something that works around the hours of school or find a sitter who will, he has had to clean up after her, actually cook some meals, shower, make her fold her own laundry, get up with her and put her to bed. I feel kind of guilty for putting it all on him but in reality it's nothing more than he put on me. I had to completely change my life to make him having his daughter even possible so now, it's his turn. Anyway, thanks for all the input from everyone. Wish me luck!