Kids idealize their parents, where do they think Mom was going every weekend after all? I assume they don't have a life of their own yet, or if they do, it's not very fulfilling if they are wasting all that energy "hating" you.

First, no you shouldn't care if they dislike you, they are actively CHOOSING to believe their take on "reality" and you will never be able to convince them you are not the home wrecking woman they have decided you are, so why waste the energy. Just two less people to put on the xmas list until they grow up.

Secondly, where was your husband when these people were saying these insults to you? Why was he not telling them to shut their mouths and show some respect?

Really the person that suffers here is Dad, he loses out on a relationship with his kids due to THEIR CHOICES. Ask yourself this... Would they be happier if he was alone? Would they dedicate the same level of energy towards talking to him and spending time with him if he was living alone somewhere as they do now towards being ugly towards you?

There really is nothing for you to do. They will think whatever they want about you. You should count yourself lucky that your husband does at least stand up to them, many won't do that.

I was in a similar situation. Started up with a man before their divorce was final. They had been living separate lives for years, sleeping in different rooms of the house. The children knew this. She had packed her bags and left a few times. The children saw this. She decided they should take turns in the house, her and the kids one week, he and the kids the next. The children lived this for a few months before we started up. Everyone knew this! But, I'm the home-wrecker who stole her husband and their father.

Yep, it's true, I did! Apparently everyone but him was happy with the life they were living and would have continued on for years if I had not come along. I felt guilty for about a minute, but am over it, now

I think it is amazing how you are a slut and a whore and all those other things while he is just a victim of your wicked feminine whiles. Did you cheat, if the circumstances you describe are true, no, but I would think given that you were both living with other people then just as a courtesy they should have both been given a heads up that you were planning on dating before the relationshp with the SO's becomes intimate, just as you and your SO would have wanted I'm sure if the situation were reversed. You apparently did that, your SO did not. So he was hiding something from someone.

However, the kids perhaps understanably think you came along and broke them up beause more than likely the parents failed to be honest with them. Maybe what he said was true, for 15 years you say they were not intimate - their kids would not have know that, worse still unless you were doing a bed check every night you do not know where he was sleeping, he may even if he wasn't being intimate with her, have all these years been sharing a bed with her, and that would indicate to his kids that all was well. They (parents) would not have discussed their sex life or lack off with the kids. So even if they were in seperate rooms, and had seperate weekends, for 15 years this is all the kids grew up with, they would have taken this to be normal for their family.

No the kids arent' right to take it out on you, but they will, and sorry, they always will especially as they are adults, you have more hope with younger ones, and even then precious little. They will never like you, and as you yourself said they have other issues besides this with their dad. So, this is his problem to work out with them, not yours. However I would not if I were you be rushing to have them over for dinner. Unless dad works this out with them, and is prepared to put his foot down if they ever do come to your home and not allow them to ignore you, or be rude to you or disrespect you, which history for 99.9% of people on this site dictates is unlikely to happen, then you are better off with them not coming around. All you can do is have a good relationship with your own kids and let him sort this mess out with his.

I am not siding with his adult kids here, trust me, these adult stepkids generally speaking have too much to say about how the parents will live their lives. But I can see it from there perspective. I may be wrong, maybe mum and dad were totally open, and told the kids 15 years ago the marriage is over but we are staying together for you guys until you grow up..........not likely, but maybe. Ask your husband for the truth, where was he sleeping, what did they tell the kids about their relationship if they were in seperate rooms etc., Then you may be able to understand a bit more where his kids are coming from. But, you will always be the one who took their father away in their eyes, sorry

The kids are mad because by omission mum and dad have lied to them and torn their world apart, they are not going to blame their parents, they are going to blame you, in time they will forgive their parents, they will never forgive you.

I know how you feel, as my situation is VERY similar to yours. Almost identical, actually. The only difference is that I have 3 stepsons, only 2 of whom do not speak to us. For a very long time, I felt that I was the reason my stepsons were so awful to their father. But as time goes on, I am coming to realize that it has nothing to do with me. This is not my fault, nor is it my husband's fault. These are not boys, they are grown men. Grown men who have seen their bio parents extremely unhappy for years. Grown men who know that for the last several years of their parents marriage, they slept in seperate rooms, lead totally separate lives. The reason my stepsons will not speak to their father; who, by the way, is a GREAT father to them and always has been, is because they CHOOSE to listen to the crap that BM feeds them. They choose to believe her lies about how he waited until they were all 18 to leave because he didn't want to pay child support, and how he let me come in and break up a perfectly happy family, blah blah blah. The bottom line is, all of that is total crap. He would have left anyway, because he wasn't happy. He didn't leave sooner because he knew she would do everything she could to ruin his relationships with them, and he thought that if he waited until they were grown and perfectly capable of making their own decisions and finding truth for themselves, they would do that, and see that it's best for their dad to be happy. Trust me, if you weren't in the position you are in right now, somebody else would be. He would have met someone else, and would have started a relationship either way. I'm happier with my husband than I ever have been, and I know the same is true for him. My husband's ex wife didn't treat him nicely for a very long time. Why would he stay? You can't treat someone terribly for 25 years and then act surprised when they leave. The fact that my husband's ex wife tells people that I am a whore and a homewrecker honestly doesn't bother me. Because I know that I am not those things. I am not evil, I don't sleep around and never have, and I will continue to love, support, and take care of my husband for the rest of my life. She is nothing but a jealous bitch who lost a great man because she was mean, selfish, and dishonest. Are you going to let a person like that ruin a great thing? Pay her no mind. Let her say what she wants. Your stepkids will come around to the truth when they are ready to see it for what it is. Until then, there is nothing you can do but wait.

Adult children do not always know what the true relationship is between their parents. Most are happy to NOT observe what would be considered anything romantic going on between their parents. So the only thing they take note of is when something different happens and changes a routine they were used to. Dad leaving was a noticed change. mom being angry that her routine and life changed was noticed. Some new person coming into the equation was a change and noticed. Since none of these changes were of benefit to them {children} they are not going to like you.

I think if you were some rich millionaire with an ability to shower them with gifts and a life that everyone would drool over then you would find yourself easily accepted. But this is real life and so you are going to be pegged as the bad guy.

Even when dad has been single for many years and he makes the choice to marry someone the kids may not accept that person. They may expect that he will eventually get back with mom if they have seen mom and dad spending more time together when neither has a boyfriend or spouse. [Returning to the devil you know} My DH did this frequently during the over 20 years he was divorced from his 1st ex.but before us meeting. There were times during those years when each of them would find themselves single again and just seemed to find themselves seeing each other. That gave the kids the impression there was hope of family again. Wrong message to send.
When I met DH he had been seeing someone for 2 years that would come to his house on her 2 days off from work. They appeared to prefer her. She would clean his house. Cook meals and freeze them so he would have food to eat until she came back. Take his laundry home to wash and iron. If these adult children wanted money she always encouraged him to give it. She was a step child's dream come true.

When we got together she acted like the jilted wife and they were in an uproar that dad could leave a relationship with her to marry me.

Maybe so, but kids are selfish, even as adults especially ones who are 26 and still living at home. So this kid wouldn't really give a damn why dad was on the couch. Also, that would have made the 26 year old 11 when dad started sleeping on the couch. He/she has grown up thinking this is normal. What reason did parents give for sleepingon the couch to the 11 year old I wonder...again it would not have been our marriage is over, they would have lied to in their minds protect the child, and now they have devastated the 26 year old. I am not against you on this, you just wanted some understanding of why the kids would feel the way they do, and I am only giving you my thoughts. As I said at 11 with no truthful explanation given I imagine this child would have thought mum and dad are happy, but mum snores or something stupid like that.

This is similar to situations in which the parents/grandparents are absent or uninvolved in your/kids lives, you can't MAKE then do anything and even though "They don't know what they are missing out on" and "Someday they will be sorry they lost these years" sounds hollow, it's really all one can say.

ok, here I go( lord help me in what I have to say here), Honestly this is how I see it, ONLY because I have been dealing with adult SK and it has been HELL!!!
I am going to just be honest here Really.....The kids ARE considered adults once 18, Parents were together, supported the kids, raised them and stayed together in a very unhappy and unfulfilling relationship FOR THE KIDS, that was his frst mistake!
I understand the reasoning behind it, but see..now you have a situation where the kids were under the impression that how mom and dad lived was " Happiness"....well...now its a huge "SURPRSE" !!
Now someone has some explaining to do to these adult children because what they have seen growing up is the wrong impression of a happy marriage, so now of course you will look like the homewrecker, and dad will be the one that is looked at like the dog, and BM there has already gave her input into what she thinks of BD and you can be assured she gave the same input to the BK.So now here we have plenty of feelings floating around, and of course the daggers will be thrown at you more then dad as far as the kids will be concerned because if pops there never met you maybe mom and dad would be together..as far as they will see it, and if it wasn't you it would be some other women..you was just the lucky one( Like me) This is what I myself have came to because I too am EVERYTHING but white to them( and my BF was long gone out of the house b4 he ever met me..but still) lmao, but really...I got tired of the manipulation, all the feelings to manipulate because for one the SK had their handy work in it but you can bet BM gave ALOT of advice and cuts to help throw salt in the wound of the kids and PLENTY of ammo.you have your platefull is what I am telling you, but if you both really love eachother then back eachother up and LIVE YOUR LIFE! when they can learn not to be bias and realize both parents deserve happiness then it might settle...or not, depends if Bm there can move on and find a new partner, if she doesn't and feels the need to be stuck in neutral then good luck! All I can end this with is telling you...let him deal with their emotions, help him decipher between whats sincere and whats just played out guilt..its important he recognizes the difference and that you help with that.Live your life, have a great time, have some awsume sex and a couple glassses of wine and rebuild the life you both have wanted to live for so long and let the rest take care of itself. If theres something he can do-do it, if not..dont sit on it. You only live once..make the best of it!!!!!