Ok to sum it up-ss13 lives with mil-I havent seen him in 4.5 months-dh hasnt seen or spoke to him in almost 2. He is only 10 minutes from us-everyone has access to a phone, and everyone is on facebook so contact should be fairly easy, correct? We had asked ss to visit each week on Sunday and he showed up once (4.5 months ago) and then he and mil proceeded to no show us 4 weeks in a row-Finally I had enough of that and said I dont even want to talk about more visits (as I felt it was pointless as they were not showing up)

Well, my ss has reconnected with his bm-which really i think is a good thing. It is my hope that he will return there and live-of course he is all over facebook talking about how awesome it is to hang out with his sibs, and visit his "fam", blah, blah. So when dh gets on facebook tonight he leaves ss a message saying simply, "hi"-he does respond with "hi i miss u" to which dh says, "i miss u too and want to see you soon". End of convo.

Here's my thing people-neither of these individuals have made one iota of effort to see one another or have a relationship in months. The last time they saw each other was sort of an accidental meeting-it was in no way a planned visit for the two of them to spend time together. As far as I know my dh doesnt even call and check with mil on how he is doing. My thought is that my dh is probably going to come to me here in the next few weeks and start talking about how ss needs to come over and visit and I *know* this discussion will be from the point of view that *I* have not allowed ss to come to our house over the last few months. Now, remember, boys and girls-ss was asked to visit with us-I personally was planning on doing half the transport so I was rearranging my weekend to be on board with these visits and he and MIL no showed 4 freaking times. No calls, no cancellations, and no sorry's when dh did contact them. We got MIL saying, "I didnt feel like bringing him" and ss saying things like, "Oh, i forgot it was Sunday". I got pretty pissy with dh because he just rolled over with this too-he didnt confront mil for lying repeatedly and telling us that she'd bring him, nor did he confront ss for not wanting to come (dh has said that ss didnt want to come so I am assuming at some point ss told him this or mil told him). I found this to be very rude and insulting behavior that we were sitting at home waiting for him to arrive and they never showed.

So I'm pissed, ok? I dont WANT ss to visit now. The previous offer is off the table. PERHAPS if the kid ponied up and accepted responsibility for acting like a shit all these months and apologized I'd even consider it again-but this will not happen. Instead dh will just expect to wipe the slate clean and just allow him to come over (if ss or mil are even willing). This sort of not talking about issues and wiping the slate clean has been causing massive issues for YEARS. I've told dh that nothing is ever resolved, EVER, with ss as he just disappears for awhile and then everyone is supposed to forget all that has occurred in the past until something bad happens once again and the cycle begins again. The family interaction continues to be problematic and no one ever attempts to fix it.

Am I wrong to think it is not ok, for people to just leave and enter your life at a whim? If dh and ss do want to visit-I guess that is their thing-but how come when they dont feel like visiting it's all good and they don't-but if I dont want ss to visit here then I am standing in the way of their GREAT relationship and am somehow some sort of wicked bitch?

If dh was committed to ss visiting in our home-if he could even go about it in the right way I might be more open to it-but him suddenly deciding this immediately following the revelation that ss has reconnected with bm seems like a decision made from the gut not something that is thought out. And while I appreciate that he loves his son and would indeed like things to be better-if dh, himself, as well as ss put absolutely no effort into making things better but just walking in and out of each other's life randomly-then things are NOT going to get better and eventually he will end up disappearing again. Until once again they decide they might miss one another.

Maybe other people are ok with these sort of relationships-but I just find it very difficult to accept. I dont think it is ok for people to ignore each other for months on end then suddently come spend the entire weekend with you, and you treat them as your close family and never mention the problems or conflict that caused the lack of contact. It's not as if distance or time prevents more regular visits-it's not like they speak on the phone in between visits-they simply dont communicate. I feel like this back and forth relationship is certainly traumatic for me (relations are obviously not good so it's a huge sacrifice for me emotionally to get myself mentally ready for the visits-which again perhaps I would be more willing to do this if i felt the end result would pay off-but it will not. I also have 3 other children at home-ss's relationship-if you can call it that is also equally strained-they all avoid one another like the plague if he is here-on his last weekend visit in July he stole from both my older kids-so I feel like it kind of works them up with simply the idea of him visiting.

However, my dh is really unwilling to look at any alternatives. I've told him lots of times he is free to visit ss anytime he likes at mil's. If he would like to stay the weekend over there on a regular basis I'd be ok with that as well. BUT my dh does not want to because although he tries to idolize my inlaws he will admit that he does not wish to spend even a few hours in their company! My dh cant drive due to his brain injury so he cant go pick him up and take him for dinner or any of that either. So to dh the only alternative is for ss to visit here.

I wish I could be more laidback about it all, but I really do almost feel traumatized by it all. SS has been so nasty and mean to me and my children-FOR YEARS-that it makes it real hard to continually open my home to him based on my dh and ss's whims. If they'd get their shit together and actually address some of the issues ss has himself as well as the family issues and then perhaps i'd give it a go, but there is no interest. I have asked to attend family counseling and to get ss involved in his own counseling-my dh refuses essetially stating that he knows the counselor will tell him he is wrong. But then he turns around 5 mintues later and acts like all this crap is my fault-or at least that is what I feel like.

Sorry so long-blogging at 2am really does help me though