You need to look at therapy for yourself and some type of therapy for him. What steps are in place for him not to fall back into the drug use? Sounds like a lot of rules and discussions need to happen so he can get to a good place.

Good luck...

I have not had any issues like this with a child so it’s a little different, but my brother sounds a lot like your son. He is 22 now but has been in and out of trouble since he was about 17-18. It is all because of prescription drugs. It all started with him breaking into cars and stealing stereo systems/GPS/anything he could sell for cash for drugs. He of course eventually got caught and now has a felony burglary charge on his record so he can’t get a job anywhere. He has been to jail, rehab, counseling, you name it he has been there. He has been on probation and house arrest as well. Nothing has worked. He is now in a halfway house and comes home (to my mom’s house- I do not live there anymore) on Sundays. If he gets a job he can come home for the full weekend but he can’t find one because of his record (also doesn’t help that he dropped out of high school his senior year). I don’t think anyone or anything can change people like this until THEY decide they don’t want to live this way anymore and they voluntarily make the change. My mom has even tried to sign him up for college classes and pay for them- he stopped going after about 2 weeks. I mean she has tried everything. He has even stolen from family- our dad passed away 2 years ago and soon after, my mom realized a bunch of his things were missing from the garage. He also stole my jewelry and God knows what else from that house. It’s a sad, sad situation. It caused a lot of fighting between my mom and dad too, but now that my dad is gone I think my mom feels he is all she has  Those pills are what gets them.

How long was he on concerta? My guess is that you are blaming his poor choices on the ADD/ADHD when in reality he is likely self-medicating because he is trying to find the balance that he now cannot find. It is typical for kids given ADD/ADHD meds to later use different drugs for different reasons. Why is it okay for parents and schools to try to control the child's brain in developmental stages, but not okay for children to take care of it themselves when they are "adults"? He needs medical help. He needs to learn what has gone on in his brain and how to normalize it. The problem is, that they (addicts) think if a little xanax feels good, a lot of xanax will feel better. That is why they get into trouble. Their drugs need to be administered by a non-addictive parent, nurse, doctor, etc. so they cannot take more than they need. It's ironic that you drugged him in school, but now remove his drugs and yet expect him to become a functional, productive citizen without them. You need to look at the big picture and not just at him for being the problem.

If he comes back home I think you need to establish some firm rules and guidelines. He must be involved in a recovery program. AA/NA is completely free and in most areas you can find a meeting 7 days a week. He needs to get a sponsor. He needs to get a job. Recovery from substance abuse is not just about stopping use-it is a whole new way of living life and the problem that many make is that they can stop using for awhile, but they change nothing else and then end up relapsing. He definitely needs to change his people, places, things. That doesnt mean he cant live in the same town-but his old drug using friends should be off limits, as are bars, places that serve alcohol, etc. And sorry to the above poster but HE IS problem. Please do not take one bit of blame on this yourself. Everyone is free to make their own choices just as he did. There are many, many folks that are on adhd meds that never go on to be addicts. In fact, there are many research studies out there that will indicate that kids who have adhd and are NOT medicated for it are more likely to turn to substance use than if they are medicated properly. Accountability is Sooo important here and you must make sure you give him no opportunity to make excuses for his choices.

He does not need medical help, IMO, he needs a recovery program.

Just so you know, I've been a therapist for 15 years, do at least 2 relapse prevention groups a week, and sit on a drug court panel.

Firstly the smart alec comments

How long was he on concerta? My guess is that you are blaming his poor choices on the ADD/ADHD when in reality he is likely self-medicating because he is trying to find the balance that he now cannot find. It is typical for kids given ADD/ADHD meds to later use different drugs for different reasons. Why is it okay for parents and schools to try to control the child's brain in developmental stages, but not okay for children to take care of it themselves when they are "adults............... It's ironic that you drugged him in school, but now remove his drugs and yet expect him to become a functional, productive citizen without them. You need to look at the big picture and not just at him for being the problem.

are not helpful and certainly don't come from someone who has lived with ADHD /ADD kids. I have a friend who's son is now 28 and she has had him under the best professionals since he was 3. Sure, maybe she didn't always get the best advice but she did the very best she could, she went to the most highly recommended people she could and yes she gave him medication, she drove herself almost crazy worrying about this medication, and to this day it breaks her heart that she HAD to do it, for the safety of her child.

You certainly did not come across as blaming the ADHD for your sons behaviour, you come across as being emotinally exhausted and I understand fully why his bein in prison or locked up anywhere else would give you some comfort, I really do - you love your son and as with my friend, you do not want him to kill himself so you did and do the very best. It is not as if you went to the local supermarket, picked up some drugs of the shelf and medicated the kid yourself so do not take any notice of people who think they know it all, live with it 24/7 52 weeks a year, when it is your own biological child and then comment.

Anyway, sorry for the rant, but I saw so many other mothers' at the school mouthing off and expressing to my friend how they would do this or that and making sure she knew it was "all her fault" they made me sick. Many of these self praising perfect mothers turned out to have not such good kids themselves when the kids grew up. So, to address your problem, both the family and your son need to find a place where he can stay for a while when he is firt released, but that he can get individual counselling, parents can get counselling, siblings can get counselling, and you can all come together weekly for family counselling. These places do exist and some of them are pretty damn good. But are they affordable and that is something that unfortunately you have to take into account. Sometimes it would not matter if you sold every possesion you had and used every cent of your income, went live under a tree, ate leaves and walked around wrapped in paper, you still could not afford some of these places, doesn't mean you do not love and care for your son, it means that society has a long way to go when it comes to dealing with mental health. Try and find some place like this if you can.

As far as your son goes, you will never be able to stop him doing what he ultimately will do. If he choses at some point to smarten up he will, no matter how sick or depressed he is with the right kind of support for he and the family he may make that choice. If he chooses to keep the old lifestyle then there is nothing you can do except of course do not supply him with money or have him living under your roof without paying his way for food, rent etc, because the less money you take off him, the more he has for drugs, so tough love on that one. But I guess most importantly, get help for yourself, my friend was 50 before she had a complete mental breakdown over this situation, and it took anothr 6 months to convince her to take a mild antidepressant, finally her doctor, her counseller, her husband, and myself convinced her to try something even for a short while, and now, she is a completely different woman, sure the problems are still there, but she copes with them magnficently which in turn benefits her son. Step 1, get some help for yourself and this means you take a tablet to help you with your anxiety so be it. Anything that helps you will help your son. Now the previous poster and others who don't get it will say you are just drug taking with your son............ignore them, get some help for you, something to help you cope with your son's choices, and if your doctor suggests some sort of anti anxiety medication, well he is the one with the education and training, he knows you, we don't take your doctors advice. This is never going to be easy, but to try to remember you cannot control your son's behaviour all you can control is how you deal with it. You are in a terrible situation here, one which is not of your making and do not believe anyone who says you could have done it differently or better, you did the best you could. It is clear from your post you are not some no hoper parent, you do not deserve to be critized by a stranger just because you asked for help with this current situation. Good Luck, God Bless.

No worries at all, this site is supposed to be about helping each other and understanding, not about beating each other up. God know we are obviously being beat up enough in our lives by other people, because if we weren't we wouldn't be on this site in the first place.

Just look after yourself first, that is the best thing you can do for your family and your son.

My son sufferred depression for 3 years and was sucidal for most of that time. It was related to work and I was so fortunate that we were handed over as a family to the place I described to you. He was there for 19
weeks, and it was intensive by way of therapy, but it taught my daughters and myself to look after us, and they did the very best for my son that they could, he was not 100% when they sent him home, but the main difference was in how I dealt with it. This was many years ago and we are all good now thanks in part to this experience and many other people who understood. Again, there were woman at the same school who blamed me for what happened to my son. Mouthing off about something they new nothing about, I do not understand why people have to be so hateful.

Now, my situation is nothing, nothing at all compared to what you and my friend have and are going through, so please do not think I feel that I too have sufferred like you, I have not, and I realise it. However looking at my friend, and how she is now after 3 years of looking after herself, looking at how looking aftermyself helped me help my son, I can only say that two out of three of us have been able to help our sons by looking after ourselves, I hope you make it a hat trick. All the very very best. You are are far from alone.

Look at this site as a good self help book, take away the good stuff and stuff that you think applis to you and use it to help you cope, and throw out the trash. Every book has good and bad in it.

I know stired-crazy, and I do understand. I cannot help you through it, no one can do it for you and is sucks big time. I don't know why some of us have to go the fear of our children harming themselve, no idea at all why. But as they say we each have a cross to bear and this is what some of us get dealt. However, as I said, we cannot micro manage what our kids do, and they all say we are too protective, it is in the baby manual they read in the womb....when mum does something to tick you off, standard response is....Mum you are too protective, this gets her looking at herself and not at you But deep down inside I'm sure they wouldn't want it any other way. Still as I was saying we cannot micro manage them, we can only micro manage ourselves and get ourselves in the best possible mental, physical and emotional place to deal with whatever piece of crap they are going to throw at us next time.

If you are a mess, guaranteed he is going to be a bigger one. Looking back at my own son, I realised that if I was not coping or I was physically unwell, even a cold or flu, it was enough to send him into a frenzy. I realised much later when the drama had settled down as much as it ever will, that those were probably the times when he was the most scared, he didn't need a sick unable to cope mum. He needed me to be strong and healthy in every possible way. I told my friend this, and she was with me through the whole experience so she knew what I was saying was true, I think this is what tipped her over the edge and she then allowed her self to take some medication to help with her anxiety. So, that was a few years ago for her too and while her son is not the perfect child she dreamed off in her one and only baby boy, he has survived to 28 and she never saw him making it past 18, and is getting married to a lovely girl in a couple of weeks..........So do what it takes for you and in loving yourself enough to take care of the most important person in your sons life right now YOU, you are also loving your son and doing what it takes to help keep him safe. Show him your strengths, not your weaknessess. Take care and know you are far from alone it just feels like it.