Any chance your wife feels that you favor the oldest? Maybe she feels you have different expectations and rules for the two? Or perhaps she feels that you don't value any of her input as far as YOUR child goes. Has your wife been forced to take a backseat to your daughter?

Have you thought about asking her why she reacts this way to your daughter? I would bet that he answers are going to be very different from yours. It is not natural to expect us to love these kids. I do love my SS, but that is after 7 years. I do not love my SD. In fact, never allowed in my house again. Our DH's expect us to automatically love these kids, it doesn't work like that. I don't think she needs to be mean or ignore a child, unless the child is a problem. Sometimes our children act differently in the room with their steps than with their Bio's. Maybe some of that is going on.

Some of this is natural blending stuff. Some of this may be postapartum depression issues. I don't think therapy works. What worked for us was DH and I spending quality time doing something not kid related. It sounds like you need to make your wife happier and then she may be a happier person to live with.

Wow. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It's a really positive step that you came here for advice though. I hope someone will have the answer you're looking for.

The first thing I would do is get your wife to counseling. It can be both of you, just her, or the whole family. This is not a healthy situation for your family, and it WILL affect your youngest daughter over time. Your wife may not want to see that now, but deep down she knows that this dynamic is not going to benefit her child in the long run. The goal of counseling should not be to make her love your oldest. The goal should be for your wife to understand why her feelings changed, how they changed, and how to cope with those changes in a way that is beneficial to the family unit. Feeling irritated 24/7 is not even healthy for your wife, let alone your oldest.

Another thing you can do is refer her to steptalk. I felt very similarly to your wife when I first moved in with my DH (then my SO) and I cannot stress how much it has helped to have people to talk to who understand. I find that my ability to vent on steptalk has significantly reduced my level of frustration with my step sons. Your wife is probably afraid of expressing her feelings--thus the distance she is creating between herself and your oldest--and that is only making things worse and only making the situation seem more overwhelming.

You also need to try to see the situation from your wife's perspective, and realize that almost all bio parents have blinders on when it comes to their children. Your oldest daughter is probably a wonderful kid, but that doesn't mean she does not engage in behaviors that are extremely aggravating for your wife. For a stepparent, those aggravating behaviors can often negate the good qualities of their step children, especially when the stepparent is feeling overwhelmed (by a new baby, for instance). My step sons are truly awesome kids. At this point, I cannot imagine my life without them. However, when we first started out all I could feel around them was tension. I felt like I was drowning in the stress and drama constantly associated with their presence. Some of that was due to DH's ex (who is a nut) but alot of it was simply due to their behaviors and my inability to control my own home.

It is still really frustrating sometimes, and I do find myself withdrawing at times when the kids are particularly bratty. But overall I am really happy with them in my life, and I wouldn't change a thing (except the CO, which is another matter).

I think your wife is probably overwhelmed with the new baby and the changes associated with that, and therefore everything your daughter does wrong is being treated like the last straw.

What has your wife told you about why she is so upset with your oldest? Does she believe your oldest has completely changed since the new baby? Or do you think that perhaps you perceived your wife's relationship with your oldest as closer and better than it actually was? And then when the baby was born and you saw your wife in a real mothering role, you realized that she treated the kids very differently?

I think your wife has jealousy issues. She gave you a daughter--but you already had a daughter. You already went through a pregnancy, a birth, a newborn, infant, toddler... you've been there done that and she's jealous. She needs to get over it before she loses her family. She needs to consider herself damn lucky she doesn't have all the "baba mama drama" many women have to deal with.

I'd really like to hear her side too. It would give a better picture. There are so many reasons she could be acting this way. I think its great you are trying to work on this and understand her side!

I want to second the suggestion that this might be postpartum that she's redirecting onto your oldest daughter. You may want to look into that.

Also, you said that the changes started when she got pregnant. Did you two get into some sort of fight during that time that was never completely resolved, or not resolved in a way that you think left her entirely satisfied? Women can hold onto things for a VERY LONG TIME, especially if it is an issue that they feel they are not supposed to talk about or "bring up again". There is a chance she is unconsciously or consciously still pissed about a fight that came about during the pregnancy (or over the pregnancy) and she is redirecting her anger toward your oldest.

How did your oldest react to the news that your wife was pregnant? That could be another clue, especially if your oldest reacted negatively or was apathetic.

After reading Niv's comments, I also think there is a chance that she is experiencing a negative reaction to the new permanency of your relationship. Before, the fact of being a stepmom and a second wife was not overwhelming because she could always decide to simply leave if she got upset or became unhappy.

Now, she is tied to you and to your daughter forever. Your wife's child will always have a step sister and a father who had children with another woman beforehand.

As much as stepparents often act like this is not a problem and that they can get passed it, I think they often underestimate the effort and persistence it can take to cope with that situation. And, unfortunately, your oldest daughter represents that fact. She is the one thing in your family that is a constant reminder, evidence even, that your family is not a picture-perfect nuclear family unit . . . and never will be.

Even if that's the way she feels, it's not okay for her to treat your daughter this way. And she is seriously stretching it when she says she never had a choice.

She had a choice. She knew you had a daughter and had previously gotten someone else pregnant. She CHOSE to be with you anyway, which any logical person will realize means dealing with your daughter a great deal of the time.

PS -- I just told my husband (who has two kiddos from a previous marriage) about your situation and he says you need to give her an ultimatum on this one: she needs to get her sh!t together and go to a counselor, or you are out. You can't put your daughter through this because it will scar her forever.

. . . I thought it might help you to get a response from a remarried father. You shouldn't feel guilty about your feelings or about being upset with your wife over this. She is permanently damaging your daughter, and the best thing for both of your kids is to grow up in a home where everyone is equal . . . even if that means they have to grow up in separate homes.

I think everyone is a little correct. When we imagine marrying, having a baby, starting a family, etc. we don't imagine there being a little 6 yr old girl looking on. And we don't realize that until we are in the middle of it and there is a little "intruder" in our dream. And with ur wife's age, she has been fantasizing about having all this for a while. Something definitely changed since she did not start off feeling this way. My theory is that she realizes her dream is "tainted" by this "intruder" and she does not know how to handle it. Also, there is this crazy innate need for parents (even dads) to realize our own flesh and blood is more important than everything else in the world and to prove it to everyone around us. It's almost an instinct, like an animal growling at those around us saying, back off, she's mine, and everyone else can suck it. As this baby started growing inside her, she began bonding with it, and simultaneously realizing the "intruder" was just in the way. Somehow, she needs to re-write her story to include a "big sister" who helps with the baby, brings her things that she needs, loves her baby sister, etc.

In a nutshell, she needs to grow the heck up. She definitely needs help, and I'm thinking she needs counseling by herself and NOT with you. I know we are only getting one side of the story, but based on what you say, she simply needs to get a grip. Lots of Vitamin D is good for depression and I'd get some omega-3 sources as well. Good luck!

Well, it may be that she sees any time/ effort spent on your daughter is taking away from her time with her our daughter. As a working mom I am sure she feels guilty already for being away so much, and then add to it splitting her time and attention with another child once she is finally home.

I know I experianced this a lot when I had my first bio. Instead of getting to focus on my new baby and recovering myself during my maternity leave, I had to wake up early and get two other kids ready for school, then drive them there, and then get back in the car a fee hours later to go pick them up, then from 2pm on, it was all about the older kids homework, and their behavior at school, getting them a snack, entertaining them, cleaning up after them ect ect. I felt robbed of my time to bond with my son and adjust to having an infant. He was my first, yet I was living the life of someone who had done it twice before.

Then once I was back at work, I saw even less of my son, and when we all did get home from daycare, its was 620,. I had to make dinner for the kids, do their hw with them,deal with behaviour issues from school...then it was bedtime. I saw my baby for two hours a day and it was monopolized by the step kids. I was lucky to get 20 minutes of quality time with mybaby before he went to bed.

It definitely changed how I felt about them. Instead of feeling like I wanted to mother them, they were in the way to me actually being a mother to my child.

Another issue for me (and possibly your wife) was their ages. My skid were 6 and 7 when my son was born. So during my pregnancy and first year of my sons life, they went from cute little preschoolers..... To misbehaving kids. Gone was the thought that they would grow out of their annoying and unacceptable behaviors. You probably still see her as a little inncoent 3 yr old, your wife is seeing her as a school aged child.

I feel like I am in a certain stage of my life, one with a toddler and a new baby on the way. I want to spend my time going to the zoo, the parkand gymboree, and just being the mom of small children. I don't want to be dealing with disiplining a 9 and a 10 yr old. I don't want to be dealing with homework issues, and parent teacher conferences over their behavior. I just feel like I shouldn't have to be there yet. and it def doesn't help that they are both very difficult children (adhd and emotional issues). With my son, I can just pop him in the car and do what I need to do. I can change my plans as needed, and do whatever I need to do that day. With the step kids, its constant fighting, misbehaving, constant questioning where we are going, where we are goingnext, can we go here, can I buy them this or that. It feels like being tied to two lead anchors.

It's hard never getting a break. It's hard not getting the recognition or thanks for everything a step mom does, its hard cleaning up after other people constantly.

How to fix those feeling, I don't know. But bottom line, she needs to do a better job of faking it. It's not hard to say the words, your welcome, or Thank you, or goodjob. It's not hard to put on a fake smile and say I love you with a hug and a kiss. There is no excuse for her behavior. She is an adult, and needs to act it. I've felt this way for years, but my skids have no idea. I just go through the motions, even if there's no feeling behind it.

What she is doing is really wrong and damaging to your daughter. I don't excuse her, I think it's abusive. You do need to protect your daughter and get tough with your wife. Feeling differently about bio child vs. step is one thing, obviously showing contempt is another. My mother did that to me (and my twin- all bios) with my older sister and it was very damaging. Kids really p9ck up on it. Yes, it's natural to feel less love but to show it like this is inexcusable.

Have you told your wife that your daughter asked why she hates her. If you did, did she feel any shame about this. If you told her and she did not care, then you really do have a problem. We all love our bio kids differently to how we love SK, it just is that way. But to be so cruel to a child that you once appeared to have bonded with, it quite odd. Is pospartum depression something you would consider her to have. If so, then medical intervention is urgent. Would she consider swapping jobs, sometimes you pick up your bio daughter and she picks up the 6 year old. I know she considers this not her job, but if you point out that YOU consider it part of being a family, she might listen.

If your post is the way it is and not the way you perceive it to be, then your daughter needs to be protected from your wife. This is outrageous behaviour on your wife's part. So, if postpartum depression is ruled out and I would talk to a doctor before ruling it out, and counselling has failed, then you are going to have to lay your cards on the table...........you work as a family, everyone is included and no 6 year old gets left out. If this continues, then what will happen is you will be forced to spend more time with the 6 year old because you will have to take her to school functions, sports, whatever over the years, and the more time you spend with her, the less time you will have for your daughter with your wife, this is then going to cause even more drama because not only will your wife have a problem with it, but your daughter with your wife is going to feel that you favour your oldest daughter, and she is going to feel left out by you, while your oldest is going to feel left out by your wife. This does not a happy family make. Your wife must take part in the oldest child's life or you are right, you are now and will continue to run two families in the one house. It will never work. If she really cannot stand your child, and refuses to acknowledge her, or participate in her life in any way, then you don't have a lot of options, these two kids will suffer if you stay together and the current situation remains in place, to protect them both you have to leave. This is a terrible situation. I hope you find some medical or counselling solution quickly before too much more damage is done to your relationship and your poor 6 year old, this is so cruel, it is not giving this little girl a good start to life. I hope against hope your wife was not pretending to like/love your daughter to reel you in and now you are married she doesn't think she has to pretend anymore. Good Luck.

Most counselors are trained to validate feelings, not tell people they have to think differently. So unless your wife sees a problem with her feelings, most counselors are not going to be that helpful.

I think where a therapist might be helpful is if your wife has PPD that is causing this issue, treating the PPD might also treat the issue.

Otherwise, your wife is going to go to a counselor, tell her, "I don't love my SD the same as my bio kids, and I think that's perfectly normal," and a lot of counselors would agree with that, since those feelings are valid.

At the very least, before finding another counselor, I would have a phone consultation with her ahead of time, explaining the issue, your wife's refusal to see it as a problem, and ask her if she thinks she can help and what she might do.

I absolutely can related to this situation. I am at a loss. The resentment, anger, frustration projected and its consequences is emotionally draining. I wish I knew how to make things more bearable or create a healthy/happy home.

As you well know, it could be really harmful for your older daughter to be living with a stepparent who ignores her for no reason your daughter can understand. I am sure your wife has her reasons, but she needs to figure out ways to interact in healthy ways with your daughter so you can all coexist peacefully. I really feel for you guys.

I can't help wondering if your wife is on steptalk under some unknown user name, telling her side of things. Is there any way you can see if she'll post her perspective on this? I wish there was a way this community could help you guys mediate this situation. Short of counseling, which it sounds like you've tried, that might be worth trying. Also is there someone you guys know who raised stepkids that she admires that maybe she could talk to/vent to?

I'm also kind of curious as to what you mean by she 'ignores' your daughter. Remember, a guy's perspective of 'care' and 'attention' is different from a woman's. In this case, ita.s kind of switched. A man thinks they have to be actively engaged in an activity or conversation with a child to be counted as taking care of them, often that is not so for women--the woman has been taking care of the entire household, makes sure nothing has been destroyed, no one kills eachother, and unless there's an issue or free time, caring for a child means sort of like being the catcher in the rye. Unless it is detrimental to the child to not step in and be active, the female usually lets them explore and do their own things. (this pertains to women who are healthy mothers, not GU complex control freaks.)

To women, taking care of the entire family comes first and foremost. That's our version of responsibility. Otherwise, to do all that and be constantly looking for ways to 'bond' with a child is exhausting.