NO THEY'RE NOT ANGELS
Im calmer now... after having my mind going at 20,000 miles an hour. SERIOUSLY NOW... my DH just thinks his daughters are angels, at no fault and that SD9 IS just 'being a kid'.
Brief run down
SS13 just moved in after begging his mum for 1 yr and a half to come live with us...SD's 11 and 9 are having teething probs because of this... ie feeling unloved, needing to form alliances even after hours of reassurance and weeks of love and fun. BM is playing a game... trying to get SD's to hate me and push me away because she feels as though her son has abandoned her and wants to be living with me.
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG my stepson would want to live with his dad even if I was the evil step mother. He loves his father and feels the need to be in his life "news flash - its not about me'
So first day SD9 gets home she tells BM that I yell at them (I raised my voice approx 2 times in 2 weeks - regarding cleaning up after themselves - after I asked nicely 30 times)and that they are afraid I may hit them physically :jawdrop: . I am not supportive of physical abuse towards children as I have been a victim of domestic violence. HORRIFIED . SD9 continued to say "why do I have to call her aunty - she's not my aunty" which is culturally disrespectful and their dad doesnt want them to call me by my first name NOT MY DECISION BUT I GET THE SHIT FOR IT.
I was my DH's brothers emergency babysitter a few times and SD9 got jealous and then I got shit for it too...b
Later on I found out that BM teases my name in front of the kids. HORRIFIED - after i teach the kids about respecting both their parents and making sure they are telling their mum and dad they love them as much as possible. I mean WTFFFFFFFFFFF?
So I have gotten around this in my head, however I seriously needed to vent and I am wondering how other step parents would deal with this. I feel like this is a major issue, as next time they do something wrong I am not allowed to express disapproval??? I have to be a push over... and have the threat that SD9 may do this again???
Disengaging sounds amazing... I have done this on the physical needs basis... anyone got any extra advice? anyone else out there who would be horrified over this situation? anyone think im in the wrong? I dunno honesty would be nice.
I don't feel hatred towards SD9 but I feel resentment and feel like not doing the 'fun' things we do like go swimming, camping, fishing.
WHY DO I HAVE TO PROVE MY WORTHINESS BASED ON HOW WELL I RAISE CHILDREN. I chose to care for these kids... I am not forced to as some bio parents are... but im not willing to be a push over either.
DH has dealt with this well by supporting me and discussing this briefly with SD9 on the phone...Still thinks his kids are angels... which followed with BM calling back and telling DH that SD9 is crying. NEWS FLASH - She is crying because her father just expressed disapproval about expressing something that hasnt happened and after knowing my stand on child physical abuse as I have even honestly expressed this to my stepkids.
Time to ride the
Time to ride the disengagement express! As long as you have 100% responsibility and 0% authority and daddykins thinks his kids are "angels" you need to just stop doing things for them. He'll have to hire a babysitter. I wouldn't be around them alone b/c they'll lie to the BM who is PASing them out and the next thing you know trumped up charges with the authorities. Happened to me. Even though I bailed biodad out of trouble, he does not appreciate it one iota!!
You have every right to
You have every right to defend and protect yourself against all and any disrespectful, rude and ignorant behaviour. Your DH wont like it because as you mention he thinks they can do NO wrong, that is until they pull the same game on him (that was the only time my DH could even relate to how my skid treated me, and that was shortlived due to his unconditional love for his child). What your DH needs to remember is that you and your sd dont love one another unconditiionally and that you have a choice over how much effort you put into your relationship with your skids - thats CHOICE. Anything you do do for them, should be fully appreciated because you dont have to do a single thing for them if you dont want.
Personally I would asking sd why she has said these lies - we can guess on here, that because she is aware BM hates you and encourages negative things being said about you, sd wants to please her mother and therefore creates things to moan about which BM gleefully laps up. Thing is, your sd chooses to do this and while she is still only a child this behaviour is wrong. So impo she is punished. If your DH refuses to address this behaviour firmly and sternly - then that is unacceptable and you know he is not prepared to support, love and make sacrifices for you - unlike you who is by helping him with this children. Your DH isnt being true to you, his wife.
So tell sd yourself what you think of her behaviour and how you are going to react to it i.e. disengage. No more doing nice things for and with her, no more gifts, meals, doing her clothes, helping her with homework. In fact no more chatting - why when you know she is going to lie and twist what you do and say behind your back? Stop putting yourself in that position for her to do that to you.
Then you tell DH the same thing calmly and nicely. When he gets upset, dont argue with him, respond or even discuss it. What your DH needs is you to SHOW him how upsetting and hurtful this is. Dont do what I did and hope by talking to him about it that things would change. They wont and DH may try to manipulate you to change your mind, or try and wear you down by being horrible to you. Let him carry on. Organise to see friends/family and spend the time and energy you would on your family, on things you want to do instead. Dont give DH an opportunity to hurt or change your mind, until he SHOWS you he has changed.
Good luck.
thanks for that! I have
thanks for that! I have showed him how upsetting this is... im just randomly bursting into tears when he is having a conversation with me... because im feeling USED!!! I feel used by sd9 and UNAPPRECIATED and tell myself NO MATTER WHAT I DO... its not good enough. This all makes me feel so sad
You are right!!!!!! I am not
You are right!!!!!! I am not far off from thinking kids can be that manipulative at times. The suggestion of not being alone with them is brilliant. Then DH can do most of the work
and take them away from alone time bonding with me... allow them to know the difference. I just dont know if i should ever trust SD9 - now i have to be on guard FOREVER? BM is just needing to make herself feel better at the cost of my feelings.
We will see how they cope with no swimming for a week? how they cope with me disengaging? I think it will be a serious challenge and have SD9 constantly peircing me with EVIL questions... i find myself sometimes surprised that her brain has still held onto a moment that happened yrs ago. Amazes me... but that is what you get when you make a child believe they were born perfect and better than their siblings. MAKES ME SICK!!!! MAKES ME SICK!!!! Its child abuse to treat your kids with favoritism ie spending $400 on SD's birthday party and not giving SD11 a birthday party!!!!
and she is worried that im gonna stuff up her kids lives
THANK GOD THEY ARE NOT MY KIDS
saw this page bookmarked and
saw this page bookmarked and very much liked what I read. I will surely bookmark it as well and also go through your other posts tonight.
salaamlove.com
oc spray
Agreed... They are not angels
Agreed...
They are not angels .... My SS(12) who lives with us full time .... tells his stories and is manipulative .... I do everything and lead by example and now I find myslef in a new world of being played and I don't like it. I told him the other day that I don't like the games he is playing with me and the stories he is telling everyone, especially my Mother in Law . He looked at me like a deer caught in the head lights.....
He tells everyone that I was mean to him ..... He comes back from my Mother in Law with a new Play station game, one he has has wanted for sometime .... then on looking back, he has got a few things from the Mother in Law recently .... ANYONE SEE A PATTERN???
BY THE WAY, we have 2 other children in the house living with us full time .... What are they learning form this?
Advice AnYONE PLEASE???
Sarahmay, post another blog,
Sarahmay, post another blog, so it's easier for people to see it and respond, I think you last comment hasn't been read by many-sometimes happens, so maybe post again!