Sounds a lot like my DW. She is a card-carrying "friend" parent, who coddles and spoils SD17. DW does not expect SD17 to do any chores, and gets mad if I want SD17 to do them. DW is also prety lax on SD17's grades, and allows SD17 to talk back, etc.

I definitely feel the "double" family vibe - me and DW, DW and SD17. DW has finally realized that her hands-off parenting has led to the current problem, but she thinks its too late to fix things. Thus, we have decided that it is best to keep me and SD17 apart. DW spends time with SD, and then separately spends time with me.

We are counting down the days until SD17 graduates high school. We have an IRON CLAD plan to ensure that SD17 leaves then. I'm just trying to hang on at this point.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

I don't think it's jealousy to expect to be treated as the adult partner in the family rather then the 14 year old. You've just added 18 years to your tie to this woman...get one of those tune up sessions going & start the discussion of role in the family. Good Luck.

Wow, there is so much going on there. To a degree, I think some of what you are experiencing is normal and to be expected. She had him for 6 years before you came along, and now that he is getting older, their relationship is changing because he is old enough to discuss more mature subjects, and she may be confiding in him to keep that close bond as he grows away from his parents. I agree that you have a right to be upset, but I don't think it's worth leaving a marriage.

As far as the things she does for him, is it causing her problems? Is she complaining about how much she has to do, and doing it anyway? If not, and she enjoys doing certain things, I wouldn't worry about it. If you need ss to help with more around the house, ask him to help you. If you don't, let the kid be a kid and have him step up when the family's needs require it.

Since you don't have your own kid outside of the marriage, it is hard to see it from both sides. You want the "one big happy" and that just doesn't happen. Feel blessed that he is a good kid, because that's more than most people here have! My bf and I both have kids, and I'm NOT marrying any time soon (maybe not until the kids are all gone) because of the issues I see like the us vs. them thing. Not that either of us are doing anything wrong, it's just the way it is. I kind of get what your wife is doing, because I do have kids, and I also have a bf who probably sees just what you are seeing. And vice versa. Try to not let the little things bug you, but do discuss your feelings with your wife.

She told her SON she was pregnant before the FATHER of the child??? Emotional incest much? You have every right to be angry as hell! As the previous poster said, I suggest that you ask her if you are her husband and number one in her heart or just the guy that pays the bills and provides the sperm? Wow!

I truly hope that you are able to get your point across. This is insulting beyond belief.

I agree with my.kids.mom. If she isn't complaining of doing this then where is the issue?
I am a SM and a BM and my son is 13. I do all his laundry. I fold his clothes and put it away. AS I do everyone's in our house. It's not "special" treatment in our house. My son takes out my garbage and is always very helpful when ever I ask him. He is always carrying things into the house for me and is always the first to jump up if I need help. What other chores besides the ones you mentioned are you wanting him to do? In our house we don't get home from sports practice's till sometimes 8 at night. And then there is homework. And trying to get dinner going. I would be much more inclined to my son getting his homework taken care of then a chore that I decided I want him to do because I want "control" of everything he does. Don't get me wrong I totally relate to you. I have a SD16 who sits on her ass all summer long and does nothing but leave dirty dishes every where and destroy the bathroom. IT wasn't until I talked to SO about this that he realized there was a problem. For some kids chores are different. SD16 chore was to pick up that bathroom and all her clothes all over the place as well as her dishes and help out with watering plants. I am not a fanatic about busting a kids balls on chores etc but I am about teaching them respect for the home they live in. The home each parent provides for them.
I believe if she is confiding in her son about such a personal thing as pregnancy there are some boundries that she needs to realize. I have had to open my eyes a few times in what I confide in my BD18. Some things such as personal things need to be discussed with the spouse. That's a given. I don't think this is something that is worth ending your marriage for. You had an unplanned pregnancy. It happens to the best of us. But it doesn't take one person to become pregnant. I am sure when she found out she was stunned too. Try talking to her. Not at her but to her. Us ladies we react from the tone in which you speak to us and your body language. I am sorry she has hurt you and told her child before you regarding the pregnancy. This is an issue I would surely take to your counselor. AS for the things she does for her son my biggest voice on that is pick and choose your battles. This is one that really isn't a big deal. And sure he may not know how to fold his clothes but one day when he is on his own he will figure that out.
Good luck to you. I hope you don't think I'm man bashing because I'm not. Kudo's to you for coming in here and asking for help. We are all here for help and suggestions.
Have you asked yourself if you want this baby? Is that maybe part of where your anger is coming from?

I don't imagine I would be that upset if my SO broke the pregnancy news to someone else first... It can be hard to contain the informtion when you learn about it. It could be she commented to herself and her kid asked her about it and she said it without thinking, etc etc. If she kept it from me, running it by the kid first... then THAT would feel unfair to me, like I was an outsider. I'm presuming the best, though.

Her lying about it to you, and/or not keeping her word is a problem. Lying is always an issue, and on a topic like this particularly bad. If her first impulse was to lie about it,. then that's a different issue, not directly related to yer skid.

As far as the skid goes + him pulling his weight, I fully sympathize. Personally I agree with you, and I treat *my* kid that way, but cannot treat hers that way. I really think it is best for her kid, but that is my take on it, and IMHO it needs to be handled directly as an open and non-judgemental conversation with the SO on what is best for the kids and why. You may find that you change *your* mind!