Help! Why is DH soooo nice to BM? It's driving me crazy so what do I do?
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When DH talks to BM he is always so nice and kind! And it is driving me triple crazy!!! Whenever she calls and ask something of him he will tell her "no problem" or "yes, of course I will do that". All of it has to do with SS but just his tone of voice and approach with her gets next to me. He is not a confrontational type person even though he seems to be able to hold his ground with me. She has even cussed him out before and he just listens to her. He will not confront her or say anything to her unless it is extremely kind which in turn makes me mad and causes us to argue. I try to control these feelings but I can't. Sometimes I feel he is nicer to her than me. Help! How do you all handle this?
This type of discussion came
This type of discussion came up a while ago, and I said basically the same thing. I think it was MazzyStar who pointed out that DH can argue with me because there are emotions involved. No emotions = DH is talking to BM like he would any stranger (pleasant, helpful, etc).
Honestly? I'd never considered that before. Probably because I'm one of those types that has a hard time with forgiveness... you screw me over and I'm done with you. Period. No if's and's or but's about it. And I know if someone put me thru the ringer like BM put DH there is NO WAY I'd be able to choke out 2 strangled words, let alone pleasantries.
The elbow? LOL, Never thought
The elbow? LOL, Never thought about punching somenone in the elbow. That's a good one.
I agree with B22S22, think
I agree with B22S22, think about it. He's just being blank and business. That's a good thing. If he were heated and emotional and she was able to push buttons, I'd say look out.
My husband and his ex get along fine, never argue. She's been to our house lots of times, socially. (they have been apart nineteen years) There's no stress among any of us. I have no worry that he's concerned with her because he's very relaxed and so is she. That's a good place to be.
I guess your BM isnt dragging
I guess your BM isnt dragging you to court or accusing you of stuff that is dreamed up out of thin air...or stopping your DH from seeing his children by telling the children on a daily basis how much of a dumb arse their father is...by accusing my bio children of taking drugs and alcohol and that me and my husband allow it...that we also are taking drugs....
yeah nutter nutter nutter....
we are so annoyed by this bitches attitude...and my DH was real nice and kind to the bm bitch too...now he refuses to discuss anything with her....
Nope. Can't say that I have
Nope. Can't say that I have ever had to tolerate it. I can tell you this though. If I was ever in a situation where I felt like my husband was allowing her to interfere in our marriage or my happiness, and he refused to listen to me, I would leave. Men will push things as far as they can. There has to be real and solid consequences. They can be as bad as teenage boys.
And as far as crazy bms, I feel everyone here. Your husband is doing the right thing. If she's crazy, deal with her only through lawyers or certified mail.
I would never give an inch. No pity, no remorse. Men are always afraid that the bm will say bad things about them...have a little confidence in your relationship with your kids. Risk it. Call her ass out and call her bluff. If I were a man and my kids turned on me with my ex, I'd contront them hard. All the women here who are always taking care of these children that don't appreciate it, you are more of a woman than I will ever be. The bm's involved are pathetic for not being grateful.
but bm is cussing dh out and
but bm is cussing dh out and he just listens to it. not exactly friendly.
i agree with the others tho. he's treating her the way he would a stranger to see his kids. it might just drive her as nuts as you when he does this. it could be his strategy, he doesn't take the bait and enter into a fight with her.
if it's about the kids...do what you can to let it go. trust me, short sweet answers are a lot let stress than yelling and screaming.
what got me was when dh would try to "reason" with bm. he would listen to her ramble on and on and bring up their past and the possibility of getting back together, her life in general, and other loads of crap, just so he could spend a couple extra hours with the kids. i finally told him to stop, he's just encouraging her and leading her on by engaging in the conversation.
it's like he needed to be taught how to shut her down. now, he's gotten pretty good at it! }:)
i do hate it when he get's the compassionate voice with her. usually happens when she's crying because he gets time with the kids on a special holiday. "oh, i'm sure we can work something out" :sick:
he shouldn't listen to her when she's cussing him out, he should tell her politely he will not listen to her while she's doing this and hang up. or just hang up.
I started a similar post
I started a similar post (since deleted) a few weeks ago about a related issue. My DH isn't nice and chit chatting with BM on a regular basis, but he acted polite and normal towards her just days after she threatened him with anything and everything she could come up with. Our BM is only civil when she needs/wants something and then changes on a dime. I questioned my DH's answering the phone at all to discuss her nonsense question about something SD had asked about. DH's response is he just wants to get off the phone as soon as possible and just answered whatever she asked. I think DH has learned over the years that is the only way to deal with crazy BM. I'll never fully accept or understand it. My DH agreed that he could see how it would be confusing and frustrating to me. He said he won't answer next time it happens and will let it go to voice mail to see if it is even necessary to respond to. I'm not jealous in the least bit because I know he is revolted by BM's behavior, and our marriage is solid. I just don't get there not being ANY consequences to BM's actions. I guess I'm fortunate though, because it is rare they even communicate at all, but on the odd chance they do and he is courteous and polite it baffles me. She has put us through the ringer with some of her BS.
My advice would be to NOT do what I did, and NOT call him a coward when he walks away from the "discussion" with me... And by discussion I mean me making all sorts of sarcastic, snarky, uppity comments. I ended up having a much more calm discussion the next day explaining how we don't let colleagues, friends or family treat us like that and then act as though nothing happened. He understood, finally. If he was treated that poorly by a friend, he would not pick up the phone the next time without mentioning it. He agreed he will address it with BM next time it happens, before discussing whatever the reason for her call was. There will be a next time for sure. Just something to acknowledge that her behavior is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. Wishful thinking that she gets it, but I still think she needs to hear it.