My teenage step-daughter hates me and I don't know what to do...
I have been with her mother for 3 years. Ever since we began dating, 15 year old step daughter has disliked me and tells her mother that I have taken her mother away from her and her brother.
Their mother homeschools them, so spends alot of the day (while I am out working) with the kids. Their mother also spends alot of time running them around to activities, and spending time to play games and talk with them. I encourage this, as I don't want to get in between their relationship with their mother.
When I get home from work their mother likes to spend some time with me talking about my day and our plans for the week. I get worried that this takes away from time with her kids, but she tells me that she also needs to spend time on our relationship because when the kids are grown, we will be spending much more time together, and need to build a strong relationship. We occasionally go out (very occasionally) together, and it hasn't seemed like an issue with the kids, until said teenager is in a foul mood and decides to use those moments in arguements with her mother.
Her mother has told me that she wants us all to be a family unit, but I don't feel like we can when I have permission to be involved with her younger son, but teen refuses to let me be involved in her life (unless she wants me to drive her somewhere). Whenever we organise a family day out, teen decides to stay home because she doesn't want to be involved. Later she will tell mother that she doesn't feel like she fits in in the family because we always do things together!
I am under constant barrage of filthy looks, being ignored, being talked about within earshot, disrespected and attempted (and often successful) manipulation of her mother (I accept this as it is part of growing up and learning how to socialise as an adult - but don't condone it when it gets out of hand).
I cannot direct eye contact with her, because she seems insidious to me and it frustrates me inside that I dread what could possibly come out of my mouth (my mind comes up with some not so nice words).
I don't speak with her unless she intiates it, for fear that I may say something that she will take the wrong way.
I don't do anything to provoke her, because it would only give her ammunition against me.
I maintain extreme patience and hold my tongue on most occasions when I can see her manipulate her mother to get her own way. On the occasions I don't hold my tongue, I speak up to my partner only about issues I feel are not being fair to her son (sibling rivalry), or when I feel that my partner is being unfairly fooled and cannot see it. I am careful with how I use my words.
This situation is equally as difficult for her mother, as she is torn between two people she loves and cannot bring us together in the way that she would she would like.
Whilst I have expressed my acceptance and understanding of teens behaviour (because most female teens are difficult), I am finding it increasingly hard to live in my home under a set of rules that the teenager has somehow set.
I am left feeling guilty by her because we don't live in a mansion, and don't have a great deal of money to spend willy nilly, and if I leave the lawn unmowed for too long because I am busy with work and running everyone around, I am told that we live equivalent to housing community slums. This is a guilt trip I have because it is my responsibility to maintain the outside.
Whilst occasionally I have lost my temper over things (not physical - just verbally), and in arguements with my partner - I haven't ever put the children at risk or to blame for any of our arguements. And I have duely apologised for my actions when I am in the wrong and kids have overheard arguements.
Sometimes I feel I am apologising for alot more.
I really don't think that these few occasions have been enough for teen to hate me - especially since she hated me before I ever got cranky in their presence.
And everyone has a bad moment or feels angry about different issues. Teen included.
Their mother and I work tirelessly around the house to provide for the children, because we want them to enjoy their childhood, and be sufficiently nurtured and provided for.
Which brings me to the main dilemma.
I love my partner dearly, and believe that we are a perfect match. We work well as a team - except when it comes to said teen. We share the same goals and similar dreams for our future.
I feel guilty for wanting this when teen has expressed her hatred towards me and blames me for ruining her life. Teen tells her mother that she regrets her mothers choices and says that her life has been ruined by them. Her mother is standing by her choices, all the while explaining to teen that they are teen's choices to hate and not about my partners choice to be in a relationship.
I feel like I am in the way. I really don't want teen to grow up hating her mother because her mother wanted to be in a relationship with me. And I don't think I could handle forever being the hated step-parent, talked about by adult teen, and feel guilty for ruining her childhood for wanting to share my life with her mother.
At some stage her mother and I will be living together without the kids, but I don't know if I could handle being disrespected in my own home when she comes to visit.
Also, I feel that it is unfair that my partner and I miss out on a loving and dedicated relationship, because of teen daughter's attitude.(not to mention my partner's son who enjoys my company and we get along wonderfully)
Should I just leave them to it and let them play happy families on their own, or should I stand my ground and not let her 'win'?
YOU can't help what the teen
YOU can't help what the teen is doing to her mother or whether she hates her. Her mother has a right to choose to have a loving partner in her life whether or not her daughter likes it.
Your SD sounds like a spoiled jealous brat. I've dealt with this same thing by ignoring my SD16. All the nasty looks, attitude. I have completely disengaged again which basically means she gets a pleasantly presented "f*ck off" when she wants to interact with me now. She has no opportunity to treat me like crap anymore or fawn over her father because she wants to compete with me.
There is no win or lose here, its a matter of NOT putting yourself in a position to be a scapegoat, NOT allowing SD to turn your spouse against you, and NOT allowing yourself to be disrespected. Let your spouse handle her daughter's nonsense. It isn't your fault that she's a brat. Mom set her up for that by making her think the world revolves around her and not putting her in her place from very young.
^^^^^^^Exactly that!
^^^^^^^Exactly that!
NEWSFLASH: She would likely
NEWSFLASH: She would likely say the same things if you were her bio parent.
She wants, she doesn't give. And nothing you or her mother do will be enough, ever..... Probably until she is 22 and living on her own and maintaining her own life and Karma bites her with a SD who is just as annoying as she is.
Do not feel guilty. If she makes comments about your home you can tell her something like "Well, in 3 yrs you can move out and buy your own place and you can live however and wherever you want." Don't tell her she IS moving out. This is ammunition. She CAN move out and live the lifestyle she wants to live.
My own DD (now 23) told me when she was 16 "Mum, I refuse to wear any jeans costing than $60. So don't waste your time buying me cr@p I won't wear." OKKKKAAAYYY. So I bought her NOTHING. Now she is 23 and wears Walmart brand jeans because they fit and wear well and are trendy enough and aren't so expensive. This way she and her husband can save for a house.
When she is rude to you and makes remarks like "You stole my mother form me and my brother." respond with something like "Well when you get married or move in with someone that person is stealing you from your mother."
I think you need to work on a few stock often repeated remarks so she finds out that all her energies are wasted and she will continue to get the same response. You are not abusing ehr, starving her, exposing ehr to a dangerous/illegal lifestyle. She is just not getting all she feels she is entitled to. And that is about HER and not YOU and her mother.
I know what she says is hurtful but it just selfish teen stuff. Don't feel guilty or miserable. You could tell her "Well get a job and imporve your lifestyle then." Or she should volunteer in a shelter so she can see how 'ghetto' her life actually is.
I'm so sorry you are going
I'm so sorry you are going through what all of us SM's have endured for a long long time. You are feeling way to guilty for her behavior and thoughts. Our SD17 won't wear any jeans that are under $150. We do NOT buy her any. This past year my SO sent his ex over a $1000 for school clothes for their 3 kids. On top of the $1000 he sends her a month. I told him there is no way I am going to be contributing OUR money so she can stay in jeans that cost more then what I make in two days worth of work. Um that's crazy. She is 17 she can get a part time job if it's that important. I feel your pain because my SD17 hates me and blames me for her now non existant relationship with her dad. But really this has been her choice. We told her what kind of behavior we expect when she visits our home and if she just can't be respectful of all the other kids and to ME... then she won't be coming. It's pretty simple. Throw the ball back in her court. Make her make the choice. Simple rules of being a human. Treat others how you would like to be treated. It wouldn't matter if you were some other man she would treat him the same way. Don't give up on your SO. She doesn't sound nearly as bad as some of the guilty BIO dads all of us are dealing with.
I will share with you some
I will share with you some sage words given to me from another member of this forum (StepAside) -- if your DW would have married a duck, your SD wouldn't have liked the duck.
It's not you. It's HER. And the fact that she is a teenager certainly doesn't help.
You will continue to feel guilty as long as you allow her behaviors/attitude get to you. It used to tear me up because my teen SK's would come here for the weekend and would look right thru me like I was invisible. They would do everything within their power to let me know I was NOTHING. But then I made up my mind that I wasn't going to judge my level of importance based on how a couple snot-nosed KIDS wanted to treat me.
And I also quickly learned that *talking* with them (both DH and I)about their behaviors did no good. It only let them know it bothered me so they considered it a "win".
Now when they're here, I go on about my life and do not concern myself with what they want to do, how they want to act. I disengage and it's made my life much much easier! I reassure my DH that I love him very much, and only hope that when his kids are adults they will realize I am really not as bad as they want to make me out to be. maybe, maybe not.
Sweet Freeeeedom!!!
Sweet Freeeeedom!!!
My partner says to me "pick
My partner says to me "pick your battles." Of course, I tend not to, because I'm afraid that whatever I say, would become a battle. And teen has told her mother that she doesn't want me involved in her life at any stage (unless it suits her and she wants something). She is blatantly and obviously rude to me in front of her brother, and I dread what she says to him behind our backs.
Mum admits that as a single mother previosuly, she perhaps shouldn't have shared the adult responsibilities with teen - such as financial worries, and general responsibilities. Also, while I have some say over son's upbringing, teen has started to take it upon herself to give him direction in an adult manner according to my partner's family rules regarding homeschooling and routines, because apparently I don't do it. Fact is, I am more lenient when it comes to the kids, and more likely let them have more computer time or room time before bed if mum is out and I am home looking after the kids. Teen will be quick to send son off to have a shower, and tell her mother when I have let him stay up later than usual.
Of course teen also asks for ice-cream at 10 o'clock at night, and won't give up until mum says yes. And she wonders why teen has troubles getting to sleep.
My partner says she is more lenient towards teen because obviously she's older - this means more computer time - but i am noticeing that son has picked up on it and it's causing some friction between them, as teen tends to dob on her brother for going overtime on his computer time, and won't allow him to make his point.
Yes, she has raised herself to 'other parent' status, and my partner has been aware of it and often tells teen that it's not her responsibility, but teen continues to point out that I'm not pulling my weight in regards to responsibility.
Truth is, I am tending to do more around the house than within the house. I can't get a grasp on my responsibilities as another adult, and whenever I get gung-ho in regards to taking a stand as an adult, I then slip back away because I don't actually have a say.
I don't want to be agressive verbally, it's only going to cause a fight. And I don't want to cause anxiety for my partner.
I DO think teen needs to step up when it comes to household chores. She does hang the washing out and feed the animals. But she's lazy in alot of other areas (again, I put that down to being a teen - and am willing to accept some of that).
I just don't feel like i can slot in. It's been 3 years, and she still hasn't relented.
She's been making hour long videos of pictures of the 3 of them - when the kids were little, and playing them to her mother when i am at work. Her mother says she's hanging on to the past, constantly talking about things that happened with just the 3 of them at the dinner table, bringing up memories and deliberately excluding me because I wasn't there.
That's why I am feeling like I am in the way.
They're not spoiled - if teen wants clothes, she has to buy them out of her own pocket money (she gets $15 a fortnight), unless they're essential items like underwear/socks/pajamas and the occasional t-shirt or skirt (because she's growing). Christmas and birthdays are when they get things they want. Otherwise they have to save up for them. Teen is pretty good with her money and finds discounted clothes etc, and not fussed on price as long as they look good.
I don't want to be vindictive and treat her in a manner that I would not want to be treated. I believe I am a role model, whether she likes it or not, and in our home if we don't tolerate bad behaviour then we are expected to follow the same suit - which is why I am accountable for my actions. I also don't want to give her ammo that she can use as a reason as to why her mother shouldn't be with me.
I don't want to 'hope' she'll come to her senses because I believe she won't. i believe she has convinced herself that I am the enemy and will stop at nothing to make that known.
Thing is, when mother talks to her and tries to make teen see how ridiculous she is being, teen often agrees but says she can't help it. Teen does try alot to be nice to me, but it is blatantly obvious that she's trying, and I tend to cop more of the not trying.
She is going to counselling, but i don't know if that is helping. Teen has started to get all these ailments like lack of sleep and bad dreams, and she is scared all the time. I don't know if they are real, or used as a means to make it seem like I have caused these - we treat it as real and make sure she sees the doctor etc.
Her mother has explained that if I were abusing them or denying them food or whatever, then it would be another story, but I don't. I provide for them spend my hard earned money keeping a roof over their heads.
I know she is a teen, and is going through the "I hate adults" phase, but to hate someone so much simply because they're involved in her life because they make her mother happy.
I'm thinking that technically I make her mother UNhappy because of the dramas that teen has.
All the things you guys have said - I've tried them.
I am at wits end, and whilst the teen admits to her mother she'd hate it more if I left because of her (teen), I'm so frustrated that I feel like one last stab back at her and leave her with the knowledge that she successfully ruined her mother's life because of her choices.
But that would just be cruel and not right to do to to a child, let alone to their mother - that would hurt her if I deliberately hurt her daughter. I don't want that, because I love my partner and I care about her kids.
There is more to being
There is more to being spoiled than money. You are the scapegoat for everything SD wants to be mad at.
Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be close to SD or to be "friends" with BM. I never talk to BM. All this nonsense about "we need to be close" is BM's issue not yours.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.shtml
Thanks jeetade, I made many
Thanks jeetade, I made many spelling mistakes and typos in my distress and desperation
I do like writing and don't do much of it. Maybe you can give me a link to your blog and I will send you mine. I don't update it often, though. :/
That is spam, you can delete
That is spam, you can delete it.
How do I delete it?
How do I delete it?
Usually there is a delete
Usually there is a delete link next to "flag as offensive". Don't worry about it though. I flagged it.
I'm sure you won't read this
I'm sure you won't read this since it's been 2 years since your post but I feel ya! They are just going through their anger stage. My 16 year old step-daughter all of a sudden hates me with a passion even though I have loved her for the last 6 years, let her enjoy her father and be herself. She lost her mother at 5 (who was never in her life to begin with), then my step-son's mother abandoned her after 7 years when she was 9 (although she is buddying buddying up with her now, this is simply a control, vindictive issue between them both).
It will pass in a few years. It's hard to relate to their feelings because they are so irrational and we are adults. If we were 16 we would totally be on the same page. Good luck to all of us!