How to Start to Dis-engage
Forums:
As the header says, after a few days of difficulty, and a SD 25 upping the ante, alongside a weak dad who wont take my side lol how can i dis-engage. Is it by not asking about her, or telling him i dont want to know, or is it more pro-active than that?. I dont lie with him, and so only see her at w/es, but she does worm her way into my life by " needing" daddy in one form or another when we have "our" time, ie texts, missed calls etc. As i dont deal with her on a regular basis face to face "freezing" her will not happen often, i need to get my SO to know im so not bothered about the SD, so would like tips on that. Thanks
***oops meant live not lie
***oops meant live not lie lol
Oh YES, completely agreed.
Oh YES, completely agreed. It's taken me a good year to get to the point where I'm completely, successfully disengaged with my two adult brats (20/23). It does take time and it does take practice, and YES, you will STOP obsessing about them every day and wondering what's afoot with their games this week.
It truly is a harmless relationship with your DH and them. Don't let it concern you, or scare you, or upset you, UNLESS of course anything they do together will potentially affect you and hour household and/or your marriage(finances, or coming over to your house/sanctuary).
I've quit imploding, I've quit being paranoid that my DH is going to "once again do something completely stupid" when it comes to them.
They are OUT of my house, OUT of my life, and OUT of my marriage.
They are two very narcissistic very nasty and rude little twits. The only road they've got left to chose is take the grown up path that leads to a healthy reciprocal relationship with their father, or walk away.
Both my twits have LOST the war. They may hiss, they might whine, they might try every trick in the book to play victim, they will recoil back into their snake hole (with the BM) and lick their wounds, only to come back out with fangs showing, and venom spewing, but those days in-between are getting longer and fewer, the bottom line is, they are, for all intensive purposes, ADULTS, out in the ADULT WORLD.
I've challenged their father (my DH). "you raised them along with the BM, either you were a part of it, and parented them to prepare for the real world, or you can continue to make excuses and blame it all on the BM, and proclaim you were never there and didn't have control over it." Makes him really think about HIS INTEGRITY as a Parent. It's one tool I use to keep him on the level. He doesn't like admitting, or showing the world he's not perfect. He stresses big time about his "image" vs. the psycho-narc BM. (those two have been playing it against each other for years----I'm finally getting it---the games.....
I would love for you to
I would love for you to repost. I am not a step parent yet.... but SO is wanting to move forward, and I am trying to determine if I am willing to move forward. Part of that is informing myself on what it will take, and deciding if I am willing to do it.
I wish there was a LIKE
I wish there was a LIKE button!!
^^^^QUOTE^^^: "If they made a
^^^^QUOTE^^^: "If they made a move, I instantly reacted and DH and I could argue like hell about it for a long time. All those wasted words, hurt feelings, and damaged to our marriage, was all for nothing. I was the one catapulting their important in my marriage, not my DH. Honestly, where they are concerned, as soon as he hangs up the phone, he's on to thinking about other things."
YEP, YEP, YEP!!!! That was me over a year ago. I nearly destroyed our marriage, and there really wasn't much drama coming from the other side.
I have really learned over the past 12 months to VENT HERE, keep my mouth shut, watch and see what HE DOES to react to anything....and pat yourself on the back after it's all said and done, because you didn't let it affect your relationship or your marriage.
Men are GREAT at running from drama. They don't want to get caught up in it, and YES, they are quick to move on to more "optimistic" things like sports, or doing something fun with you.....trust in that, remove your drama from the relationship, and eventually the only drama brought in will be from them.
Great comment, mominator!
Great comment, mominator! With the bonus that they really love to be with the drama-free person, esp when BM is a drama llama.
^^^^QUOTE^^^^: "I'm not
^^^^QUOTE^^^^: "I'm not going to talk about the internal torment that I have experienced with DH. He wouldn't understand and it would lead to a fight. It's mine to deal with. And he can think what he wants. My goal is to make my life and marriage work."
THIS is exactly TRUE.
I'm done with "empty" fights, where I end up looking like the nut job. I nod politely, I give minimal feedback, I change the subject.....
No, DH's do not understand our internal torment, nor will they ever. They are too wrapped up in their self-love and unconditional love of their child (especially daughters).
Heal yourself, work on your happiness and really learn to enjoy your marriage.
MAKE MEMORIES....and before you know it.....years have passed by, and those years together will strengthen your marriage, along with those GOOD MEMORIES. Your DH might be distraught from time to time over the loss of his children, but he's going to remember the here and now with you, and he will embrace you and value your relationship even more.
"Do not bring her up to your
"Do not bring her up to your SO at all, unless it is a perfect moment. There will be times she will hang herself given enough rope. These times sometimes need to be pointed out to your SO, but keep it to a minimum. Do not relent."
^^^This^^^ is what I think made DH start taking a harder look at SM. I would not bring her up, but when he made excuses about her being too busy to acknowledge His birthday, Father's Day or Christmas, or return any of his phone calls, I quit agreeing with excuses. I merely replied with the truth.
Some great advice there
Some great advice there thanks ladies :). The SD lives a couple of miles from my partner, with her hubbu & kid, i live about 35 miles from S/O, so the only time we physically come into contact is when i am at his & she comes round or wants something, i see her perhaps fortnightly.
She has become this way through over-indulgence, guilt, call it what you will, but she has been given the place of S/O by my partner, to the detriment of previous r/ships as well i think. She knows she cant be the one to provide all his needs, and that he wants a g/friend, so at times it must really kill her to see him holding my hand etc, or to have me & him linked in converstaions by other ie Oh are C & J coming this w/e". Its not going to change in the short term, but i have to change my reaction to her & the annoyance she creates in me, then by being OK about it at least on the outside, maybe i will be able to set a few ground rules with my partner such as "dont discuss OUR r/ship with the witch". He sees that she is out of order at times, but isnt willing to call her on it...however i know she hates him having me in his life and so knowing that & knowing that he does spend a lot of quality time with me must enrage her. Even if she calls etc he will only talk for couple of minutes then like you say shes forgotten about.
The SD has an toddler though, so obviously my partner tells me all about him. Im guessing its ok to express an interest in him, and i know my partner wont accept me being excluded from spending time with him if SD wants the kid to spend time with Grandad. Maybe this has made my S/o realise that SD does have issues with me, he always said i was too sensitive before lol, and he will not like seeing SD less than perfect...
Could be an interesting few months!!
Ah ha moment to me when I
Ah ha moment to me when I knew that I had truly disengaged is when SD stole money from DH and MIL and I truly did not give a f***...my only thought on it was oh well you two shouldn't have left your money out...no emotion to it whatsoever. You have to separate yourself from the emotion and drama but not from basic needs of the child I guess is a good way to put it. Live your life without dealing with all the things that you don't have any control over anyway and let your DH/SO and BM deal with it...
Do you personally care about
Do you personally care about the toddler? If not why then express an interest? Is dangerous as if the toddler gets to like you and comes to you or whatever, it will inflame SD's jealousy. Plus there will be endless permutations of problems with extended family with sniping going on over the toddler's head. Surely DH will be even more protective with a real child than he will with an overgrown one. Think it could get messy unless you disengage from her offspring to the same extent you disengage from her.
Well my partners grandson is
Well my partners grandson is hugely important to him, and dis-engaging from him would definately affect our r/ship, its not the little ones fault his mums such a pathetic witch..and i know that if SD stopped my partner from seeing his gkid because he (partner)was with me, then my partner would definately have a word. Basucally my SO has always tried to make any issues i have with SD, me being over sensitive, and SD was ok about me, since the wedding hes had to accept that actually his little princess does have issues, and he is soo not liking that, as of course he wanted to think she was perfect...now he knows she not happy & if SD uses Gkid to bargain with, she will come off worse...I get on well with all the extended family, the BM (ive never even seen) is remarried, happy and has nothing to do with my SO, also SD isnt overly close to her BM anyway hence the close ties with daddy, so BM wont be involved in any issues re me..
Im going to unite myself with SO when Sgkid comes to visit, and be completely dis-interestd in Sd. My partner isnt going to cultivate a completely separate r/ship with his grandson away from me and never have the 2 of us meet...its way too complicateed for him and so Sd will have to accept it, her dad isnt going to waste every w/e excluding me just to please her. He wants us to "get on", it may never happen but if its her putting hurdles in the way, he wont accept them for long. If her jealousy of me stops her letting her dad spend time with his grandson, the my partner will have it out with her...hes not so completely in her thrall that hes a pussy...i will have my revenge from the inside mmmwahahahahahahah!!!!!!!
Why should we as SM's or
Why should we as SM's or "SF's" put up with the BS, in my case from dh's brat especially the adult ones. I had it up to my neck with my sd that it almost wrecked our marriage and believe you me she loved every minute when we were in dispute involving her, it's like in her mind she won me over. As long as I detach myself from her I am free at least I hope so. I DO NOT need her life butting into mine. I will not give her that freedom anymore.
I will let her paddle up shits creek before I give her a helping hand or should I say let her down in it lol. She NEVER went out of her way for me so why should I?
As far as I am concerned my dh's bio daughter does not exist in my schedule. SHE CAN STILL PLAY HER GAMES UNTIL NOBODY WANT'S TO PLAY ANYMORE- EVEN HER OWN KID'S. Too bad for her. She created her own problems and they are not mine.
It has and still is taking some time getting used to detaching this crap from her. I will not take it anymore I had enough & have my own problems like everyone else. SD'S or SS'S will drive anyone crazy if SM's or SF's" let them...
Before I even heard of
Before I even heard of disengaging, my counselor and the pastor had both told me in no uncertain terms to stay the hell away from the girls. They have arrested development and personality disorders as far as they were concerned. I took a permanent marker and placed a dot on the base of my index finger. I kept it there for about 3 months. I told myself everytime I noticed it that they were not invited into my day. This was my day and they were not going to ruin it. It really helped. Two years later, I discovered this site. I feel so relieved that there were other women out there who have dealt with all this long term childish behavior and had hit the bottom just like me!
StepAside, your 12 steps are
StepAside, your 12 steps are perfect! If you haven't already please re-post with 12 Steps in the subject heading :). Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Hi again, Re the disengaging,
Hi again,
Re the disengaging, ive started, most noticably by saying to my S/O that i dodnt want to spend a day out with him, S/D 25 & grandkid next w/e. Of course SD is over the moon to have daddy all to herself, and im now left with a day not spent with FDH, which kinda sucks as we dont live together yet so i feel as if im the loser...Does this get any better, and do you benefit, cos at the moment i feel the excluded one by my own actions....
Ohhh yes indeed, I spent
Ohhh yes indeed, I spent three years of pure hell at the hands of a manipulating scheming sociopath child SD 13, and her twin brother who is every bit as bad but worse yet he was more devious.
I agree with the 'arrested development and personality disorders' and I had never heard of disengaging, like the earlier poster. A wise counsellor did tell me that every time I allowed the child to push my buttons it was perceived as a victory against me. I stopped allowing the child to push my buttons and it was an overnight change! I was astounded! The dear counsellor also suggested that these kids will grow up regardless of anything I say or do so I stopped saying and doing stuff for them. They yelled at me, from upstairs, that they did not have to do anything I told them because I am not their mom...toot sweet I replied 'LIKEWISE' From that day on I referred them to 'daddy dearest' every time they asked for something, since I am not the mom. They got the point and things changed a little. Daddy dearest really saw what demands they made and how he could not fit them all in and do it on his own so he implemented 'tough love'...which was what I really wanted to see all along, instead of them getting everything they wanted and more besides. I believed that he was doing them no favors whatsoever by being soft with them.
Make sure you benefit, by
Make sure you benefit, by doing something fun. Which do you prefer, feeling excluded or participating and watching your man failing to deflect the attacks?!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe there won't be attacks, in which case, participate happily!
Hi poodle, thanks, i guess i
Hi poodle, thanks, i guess i will fill the time & my S/O has said he will talk to SD about her issues re me, and that he refuses to have the grandkid over night unless im there-where as previously she wanted him to exclude me-so i can see he is trying, not as hard as i'd like though, and for him to actually voice the fact "that SD has issues that she has to get over" is a big step forward for him, so maybe theres hope. I meanwhile shall continue to avoid her when i can, at least like you say if im not there to witness the mutual daddy/daughter love-in, SD isnt able to gloat at me with her smug face that needs a good slap lol..
horrible mini-wife Make
horrible mini-wife :sick: Make sure you do something really memorable and fun
I am at the 8 week point of
I am at the 8 week point of my SD movin out cus daddikins stood by me for once. Every time he tried to stand by me in the past she would pack her bags and leave not answer her phone and make her dad cry with worry and a week latter she would be back her nose further in the air an a nother medal to add to her victory. and yes daddikins would let her off with what I had tried to implement which was (ur not working so either help in the house or pay board) well this time I put my foot down and demanded tht she help Daddikins approached asked and she left 8 weeks ago. In tht 8 weeks I have told her father if he wants to live with her then it wont be under my roof. It is hard to disengage, I kick my self when he says wers such and such and I say in SD room. Mentaly I beat my self with a stick and make my sefl remember no its my back bedroom. At first I struggled to not go out the room when he was on the phone thru paranoia tht she was gonna slate me. Infact she kindly said to him the other night (why dont you emergrate to Australia and live with ur friend all those arguments must get you down...this is wer I realised Daddikins as woke he sed wot arguments ther been no arguments since you left only the 2 u caused.)so now tht makes it easier for me to relax now knowin eventually so last night I happily went about my business in a different room I didnt need to listen on guard for the next bullet to be shot at me. quite a relief realy. Cross fingers