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Is there any reward for being a step-parent or is it nothing but frustrations?

fruststepmama's picture

Submitted by fruststepmama on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 8:10pm

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Nasty BM is always putting us down, especially me. Today, when she came to pick up SS9, she looked in my direction and said, "don't listen to her, she's not your mom. I am." I try to never take the bait.

But, it seems to unfair that we stepparents still don't get credit for taking the high road. My SS9 still identifies with BM as mom and me as just some peripheral person, whether or not I'm a better parent (i've been around since he was 3.) It all just seems so futile. I would feel so much better if i just screamed back at her, "shut your trashy mouth you uptight freak." At least that would give me a moment of satisfaction rather than just sitting there and stewing on my hatred for her. I wish i could just step back from this whole situation and be less involved, but unfortunately, I don't have a choice as my husband is the working parent.

Sometimes, I just want BM to get justice for her behavior. DH always says, "when SS is older, he will hate her." But, what about now?

Is there any reward for being a step-parent or is it nothing but frustrations?

fruststepmama's picture

Submitted by fruststepmama on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 8:39pm

I hope when I have bios, I don't get even more frustrated with SS9 and BM and want to run away with my bios. (Thinking of taking up meditation.)

Doubletakex3's picture

Submitted by Doubletakex3 on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 8:36pm

I held out hope for graduations and weddings. College graduation was a fiasco with family drama. And XH dis-invited me to SDs wedding...the same wedding the $20k divorce settlement I sent him is paying for. How's that for a reward after 15 years of hard SM labor?

paul_in_utah's picture

Submitted by paul_in_utah on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 9:09pm

I certainly don't see any rewards. If you want to see "success stories" involving blended families, check out GardenWeb or one of those other sites.

If you're on this site, you are having problems. I doubt that very many of us have anything positive to say about their step-experience. For me, the only "reward" was when SD17 got busted smoking pot, and was forced to go live with her bio-daddy. I now have a peaceful, drama-free home, but it took many years of abuse to get there.

Kate2007's picture

Submitted by Kate2007 on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 10:11pm

I had a small reword this week. My SD5 said to her day, "SM is like a real mom. She does everything a real mom does." It was sweet.
I'm not so sure Skids with crazies BM will hate their mothers when they're older but I'm hoping mine will realize that her mother just isn't really all there.

witsend71's picture

Submitted by witsend71 on Tue, 04/17/2012 - 4:34am

Helping shape a kid's life for the better is rewarding. Like a teacher....it's a mostly thankless Pursuit. Devoted and kind DH who is a comfort to you at times is my reward.

fruststepmama's picture

Submitted by fruststepmama on Wed, 04/18/2012 - 7:29am

Yeah, I'd like to think i'm shaping SS's life for the better, but i'm not so sure i can affect him that much. I feel like SS always just discounts me and takes the opinions of his bio parents anyway, no matter how much i do for him and no matter how sweet and supportive i am. :?

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Tue, 04/17/2012 - 3:47pm

As time is going on with step kids & I, there seems to be more feelings of reward than there use to be. In our situation, I think the BM feels the most rewarded & its a toss up between DH & I. My SS seemed happy of his dad marrying me & my SD was pissed! I got pictures of proof..haha Blum 3 well DH had 2 kick her butt a few times as she treated me cold but she is starting to warm up to me. I fell in love with the kids before I met their dad & ended up in the picture. The kids have met me when the man caring for them (as their dad was at work) was out & about with them. I knew something was wrong & the kids looked afraid to me. He would be nice to them when I was around! I started to hang out with them & in time the kids talked to me about him. I informed their dad that he needs to get this guy out of the picture for he is abusive. After the guy moved out, their dad & I ended up together. I feel so protective of anyone who messes with my SK that they now come to me when they are in trouble. I have even stopped their dad if he were going to correct one of them a couple of times when they were not the one in the wrong. Pulled the dad away than told him the whole story & he came out & dealt with the real problem. So the kids know that I have their back & they really respect that.

On the other side, the kids started to play their BM. As stories were talked about & the kids were failing school, I was the one to put them in their shoes. They tried to avoid talking about their ways with their mother & I knew that the kids were up to no good. I brought them to their BM & they had to tell her the truth, that they had been lying, playing her for stupid, & they were going to shape up. Also had them thank her for all the things that she does do (which the list is small-she does neglect them to a point), that they will try in school, & that they love her! BM was speechless but pleased. SS is now getting better grades & SD still needs further help than what shes been receiving. BM & I now respect each others position. Kids are happier, the dad is less stressed, & that alone is very rewarding.

fruststepmama's picture

Submitted by fruststepmama on Tue, 04/17/2012 - 4:09pm

Gosh, if there was only some mutual respect between us and BM! I tried very hard for a long time to connect with her, but she's just selfish. And jealous.

I try so hard to keep peace and not say anything negative about her around SS. I want to think that she's digging her own grave, but i don't see any evidence of it...SS9 loves and worships her as much as ever.

TheBrightSide's picture

Submitted by TheBrightSide on Thu, 04/19/2012 - 4:55pm

Reward? I wouldn't count on it. Think of your "rewards" in your life coming from things external than from your role as a stepparent.

Currently my SD11 hates her mother. She said, the other day, that for her, this is who is most important.

1. Her Dad,
2. Me
3. The dog
4. Her mother

In that order.

I do think that there will be a time in the future when she's older (in her 20's maybe) when she doesn't need her "mother" to be a "mother"...that her and her mother will be close.

She may hate her mother now, but it will be her mother, not me, who goes wedding dress shopping with her. Who will walk her down the isle. Who will be in the room when she gives birth. I prepared for that. (or I'm preparing for that, and how that will feel). I think accepting that, no matter how shitty the bio parent is...they are still loved more than non-bios, by virtue of being bios. (of course, there are exceptions).

My own mother was a really really shitty mother. I still love her though.

I did make my SD promise me that when she had kids that I wanted them to call me grandma. Not "brightside"...but Grandma....or some form of Grandma. (i don't have kids of my own...but that's another Oprah Show.