Very well put, Poodle. I also await constructive suggestions and feedback as our current life is rarely amorous! Too much hurt and mistrust to go there for me most of the time.

When I worked as a relationship counsellor, it was a well known fact that if one partner bears long term anger towards the other, there is no more effective passion killer than this. You need to resolve your anger before you will feel any genuine desire for your partner.
So if their are SKID issues, etc, he will need to address them in a way you find satisfactory, IMO, before you will start to rekindle your sexual relationship.

I have to say that the ONLY thing that helps us is that we go back to "what brought us together". For us, we met at a restaurant/dance club that was owned by a good friend of both of us. We were acquaintances/friends for over 4yrs before we began dating. During that time and after we dated, we would sit at the restaurant/club with our friends, tell jokes, enjoy the food and of course, dance. With all the stress we have had in the last 13 years, even at the beginning, ANYTIME we started arguing and it related to ex, il's, etc...ONE of us would always literally just stop and turn on the music in our house. If we didn't have his kid or when we didn't have a kiddo, we would just go out to dance. Sometimes it was at 10PM on a weekday, knowing full well we had to be up at 6. It didn't matter. Actually, the ex and the ils would get TICKED OFF as they would drive by our house and realize we were gone instead of home lol And of course, because we lived close, someone would ALWAYS tell them they had seen us dancing...of course, they could figure out that they caused trouble and thought they had "gotten to us", which they did...but we never let it get too bad...

Nowadays, since we have nobody to take care of our kiddo, anytime we are extremely stressed or at least every friday we can, we turn on the music in our apt, listen to music that we used to listen to WHEN WE MET, etc...and have a few drinks and dance the night away. That is the ONLY thing that has saved us. Our friends crack up when they see us dancing...we don't really care...actually, many have commented that their wives/husbands would never do that with them. But again, there has to be SOMETHING that you both enjoyed doing together when you met...and anytime you feel distanced, it's time to do whatever that was. Yes, you might have to make adjustments, ie. we can no longer just go to a club, instead we do it at home, but you can do it. For us, it always brings the spark back

PS - when we are both in that good mood again, just as when we first met, normally we can actually discuss issues we have with each other and each of us is ALWAYS in a much better attitude to listen to the other and really try to change, etc.

I was going to suggest starting to date again, regular just the two of you activities that can be free even - take a walk together.

The only rule is NO talking about the kids/family. Get back to actually talking to each other. You need to re-learn each other and find again what it was about your partner that made you fall in love in the first place.

It's all about re-building that couple intimacy - you can't just jump straight back into bed/sex - it would just be physical/mechanical act without falling in love again. Even sitting on the sofa (when you are alone - just the 2 of you) and kissing and cuddling - with no expectations of it going further - can re-ignite the desire)

We never had it all that great in that dept. to begin with - he's 10 years older and not that interested. It's hard because there is so much resentment, but being intimate is the only way that I can get him 100% to myself - even if it is just for 15 minutes :jawdrop:

Our counselor has said that we need to have a date night...one night for us - get a babysitter for BD, and go out - skids and BD off limit topics. I have asked him four times now about doing something together. He acts interested when I mention it, but then out the window it goes. Since everything in our marriage is wrong because of me, I'm sure he would say he doesn't want to go on a date because he doesn't feel good about me.

I bet for other couples the date night would work. Focus on what brought you together in the first place. What I wouldn't do to get that spark back.

Start doing stuff for yourself that makes YOU feel good… it doesn’t have to be expensive stuff, do something different for your hair, buy some new lip gloss, paint your toenails, buy a sexy pair of underwear…

Seriously…I didn’t exactly let myself go, but I stopped doing little things for myself that made me feel good about me… when I started taking care of myself again, I personally felt more attractive and it made me want to be more intimate with my husband.

I don't know about this one--mainly because whenever there is an issue with BM or anything related to her, FDH gets very in the mood with me, and I know it's because he's trying to establish that I still care about him and not attempting to run for the hills. (Sex=Still in Love in his mind).

HOWEVER, our business is the one that divides us--he gets so absorbed in it that he ends up neglecting me (think 3 days stuck in his office without a peep--I send in rations at times so he doesn't starve to death) and our "quality" time together, which sucks. To combat that, I get dressed up, help him with his work, and then request that we spend some alone time together, be it cuddling or anything else at xxx time, in xxx hours/minutes. He knows I will flip my shit if he doesn't keep his promise so he knows his time limit, and if he doesn't get it done, he'll leave it for the night.

Obviously when you are stuck in a house with no TV in the bedroom, your FDW on the bed, and both of you are just cuddling and talking, and you know you can't touch your work until tomorrow, what is there to do, right?

I think couple time is so important, no matter what it is that divides you, be it skids or work or the dog.

I know when money is tight or when he's stressed out, he's less likely to want to go at it. I never really developed a dislike for physical intimacy no matter how upset I am, because I think I separated physical pleasure with happiness really early on. Good and bad I guess.

The quickest way to get over the resentment, is 'acceptance'. Accept that your DH has a completely different point of view about his children than you do. Once you accept his behavior (and as long as it is clearly not directly affecting your relationship or your finances together), your bitterness and resentment will drastically diminish.

Then you FOCUS on your intimacy together. Treat him like a king--like SA said...

Sex is the male form of bonding with a woman. You want to improve the foundation of your marriage? You take good care of your man. Block all other thoughts during intimacy. Make him your focus and be successful at pleasuring him.

One of the tools in my tool box is how well I can pleasure him. It's one of many tools that I use to guard and preserve our relationship from my nut job SD's (and well, honestly, I love sex too, so the benefit IS mutual).

The better our sex, the stronger our relationship, and all the harder it is for them to conquer and divide us.

Know and become familiar with your 'tools'........

I have noticed an interesting (disgusting) phenomenon...we rarely have sex if SD23 is around. We just returned from a vacation near SD where we had rented a townhouse so as to have privacy. We did not have sex the whole time. As newlyweds when she lived with us, we rarely had sex. To me, this has become evidence of DH's inability to balance his roles as husband and father. We do not live near SD now, but when she is around, he treats her like his partner and me like the other woman. We have been married 3 years. I am only now coming to terms with the reality of this situation. I'm not sure that i can remain in this marriage....