How did you make bm aware that she is no longer welcomed in your home?
The last time bm picked up ss she had to pick him up from me. (dh at work, ss off of school due to illness and bm insisted that she picked him up early) When she arrived over an hour late (she text dh at work, he is not always able to respond immediately so it was not something I was aware of) Now mind you bm had to correspond with me to make arrangements to pick him up from me and she still text dh at work. Nonetheless, when bm arrived I said hello, I opened the door to my home and in a mature adult manner requested that if she will be late to please let me know as dh was at work and didnt get the message immediately. She then copped an attitude claiming it was no big deal. "I text (DH), how should I know he was working?" I stated that he has worked days ever since he pretty much existed and again kindly just requested a heads up. She then raises her voice to me, comes into my house and raises her voice to ss (not even allowing him to put on his shoes!!!!!) I do not want her in my home. DH is torn about what ss8 will think (more so what to say when he ask why) We agreed to disagree about it but I don't want DH to feel as though he is having to be someone he is not. He is a nice man and does not want to cause any more turmoil for ss. I GET IT! So, me meeting him halfway is I have since sent bm a polite email stating:
The last exchange has been weighing heavy on my mind, because you raised your voice to both (ss) and myself during the exchange in our home. I understand that you may have had a bad day as we all do. Please know that this kind of behavior is not welcomed in our home. If mutual respect can not be reached and this were to happen again, we will have to ask that you drop (ss) off at the door. As you will no longer be welcomed. Thanks.
I guess my question is...was this an easy decision for anyone to make? How did you do it? Did you feel bad?
BM has never been allowed in
BM has never been allowed in our home due to her attitude towards me. She has never stepped foot in here and never will. FDH knows this is my home too and so I have a say in that. If she can not respect me, she will not enter in this home.
Honestly I next time she came
Honestly I next time she came to pick him up, when she came to the door I would open it, say "hi! Ill send him out to him in just a sec. He is putting on his shoes" and close the door. Just be an adult and polite as you were before. Or have him ready at the door and when she knocks, just stand there. She will eventually get the point and if she asks just say, "I dont appreciate the way you spoke to me and if we can not communicate like adults then I respectfully ask that you do not enter my home.
Agreed.
Agreed.
I agree, she used to yell at
I agree, she used to yell at ss from the door to hurry up and me being completely delusional invited her in once. Now it is a circus act. She is peaches and cream in front of dh because she knows he would flip. So she takes her jabs when I he is not around. I believe that this will kill 2 birds with one stone. I believe that since I called her out she will just assume retreat her entrance and back to the fairytale...! Ha, now if only I could find my ruby slippers...
We called the cops on the
We called the cops on the crazy woman since she would not get off our property when we asked and was screaming and pitching fits because her pick up meant her drop off was not going her way. We had legal obligations and SD's probation officer and a tracker to satisfy and BM was just not getting it? She got it when the cops and the tracker talked to her and she gave up. DH and I agreed that she should never set foot on our property again... she actually walked up the path and turned the door handle to just walk in one day! Not happening!
Also, if she threatens me with anything at all I just tell her to do her worst, have at it lady! She was going to invite herself for a weekend visit at OUR house with SD and I just adamantly reiterated 'NO' and she pressed the issue just for her own entertainment and, I guess, to hear me say 'no' to her? Third time was the charm, she got the message.
BM is such a manipulator.
BM is such a manipulator. Her father is a retired attorney and when you have 2 young adults(loosely used) have a kid and it doesnt work out...scare tactics come into play. So DH has had the crap scared out of him and is also a nice country man. BM uses this still to this day. She had no problem coming in to our house with heart felt tears as we (myself and dh) had to explain to ss why "mommy" was moving away (to attend beauty school 3 hours away) We had an agreement for 6 months she paid xxx amount of money for cs and after school would move back. blah blah blah, she hasn't done any of it and then has the audacity to be disrespectful. She is constantly rude and hurtful and making empty promise to ss and is nice as pie when she wants something involving ss from dh. I think she is nice as pie because she wants to be involved with dh as well. Ughhhhhhhhhh, I am not a woman hater. I will not stand here and be one of those woman. It is morals and values. Or lack there of! You don't get anything in life by doing nothing. And ss will soon realize that "mommy" will be put on timeout as well if she cannot act right.
Agree!
Agree!
Apparently, I did not know
Apparently, I did not know what I was doing. Damn kind heart.
I agree with the above poster
I agree with the above poster that said just open the door, tell her he'll be right out, and then close it. Be ready to usher him out when he comes to the door, otherwise he might invite her in.
I don't feel bad about not extending courtesy to an asshole. If a person chooses to be an asshole, they don't deserve courtesy from me. Just remember when you are dealing with her that it's not like you are dealing with a sane and rational individual. The same rules simply don't apply.
OP your email was polite but
OP your email was polite but to the point, and I think necessary given she 1) passively agrressively or perhaps merely thoughtlessly texted DH instead of you and then when you pointed out her error she 2) was rude and hostile in your home when you were looking after HER son.
These women seem to forget the fact you dont HAVE to look after their ill kids but we do, and when we do they treat us like that? Rude and ignorant about sums it up.
I appreciate where you DH is coming from but sorry he is wrong. He likely doesnt want to create more of an atmosphere and hostilies with his troublesome ex, my DH was the same, always looking to avoid issues even when his ex CONSTANTLY created them.
IMO if you let it go it would happen again and likely escalate, as a line has been drawn by her and she has gotten away with it. So good for you for letting her know what is unacceptable in your home.
I would do as already suggested. I know my relationship gradually deteriorated with my BM, when I slowly got fed up with her attitude problem and immature, aggressive way of behaving to then switch to being sweet when she wanted something from us. She then began to blame everything on me, even when I was absent so I damn well ensured I answered the door to her to wind her up, stood by the frigging door so she couldnt enter and was SUPER upbeat to annoy the stupid cow. It was the least I could do after everything she did to us.
So in answer no I would NOT feel guilt. You treated her nicely, you made it politely clear that texting DH wasnt helpful given she was late and YOU needed to know. She had a choice, acknowledge that and move on. Quite simple, but instead she choose to escalate it and act the fool. All you can do is deal with how BM reacts/behaves, you are not responsible for nor can you control how she behaves. Only your own behaviour is within your control and imo you have behaved reasonably and nicely. If she has a problem with that, that its her issue not yours.
BM came to my door once it
BM came to my door once it was the last time she will probably ever dare come closer than 6 feet from my door as when I opened the door she began to scream at me to "get my f'n husband to the f'n door right the f now!!!!" and then threw a rock at my very large window. (this was because he wouldn't return ranting looney texts for several days and wanted to show him "letters" his exsd supposedly wrote saying he molested her (yet that child has been to my home 2 times since last time she was banned forever for stealing and she's not his kid anyway.) She promptly had me calmly and very threateningly letting her know exactly what I would do to her if she ever came within arms reach of me or ever dared refer to him as husband again. Then I slammed the door in her face.
She came to my door recently to hand me my stolen property and was as far from my door and me when she stretched her arm to hand them to me and left at a near run.
She drops the kids at the end of the driveway SO gets them if I ever have to get them bet she'll continue to keep her distance. I can scare the crazy outta just about anyone.