Biracial Future Stepson Says He Dislikes African Americans - He is Half AA -

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Hello,

I am looking for some feedback. Recently while out to dinner with my fiance and his (11 year old) son Jake, my fiance and I started teasing Jake about liking a little girl in the neighborhood. After a while of our teasing Jake exclaims "I don't like her because I only like white girls or girls that are tan like me." My fiance asked him if he liked any other types of girls like black girls or brown girls and he replied "no, they are just too dark and you can't see them at night." He remarked that he couldn't see me at night either and went on to state that he doesn't like black people.

The problem I have with Jake's statement is that it's not merely a preference but a form of prejudice and reaks of self hatred since his biological mother is African American, as am I. Perhaps his white father having sole custody, the fact that he attends an all white school, and sees virtually no African Americans in his day to day life, has encouraged this view.

I explained to him that skin color has no impact on beauty and asked him if he'd still like his favorite cartoon character if he were a little darker, to which he replied "yes."

Just a few weeks ago his white classmates were teasing him about his hair; it is possible that his rejection of his African American ancestry is related to that.

I am struggling because I have tried to be accepting of Jake but he has a lot of issues related to his mother's abandonment and this is one of the more complex ones. His father has mentioned that Jake struggles with self absorption and has a knack for lying and manipulating. I am concerned about the impact that this will have on the children I plan to have with my fiance. What if our daughter (or son), though also biracial, is born dark. Should I be concerned that Jake will make him/her feel badly about that?

Feedback is welcome.

It is VERY possible that your

It is VERY possible that your SS is reacting to his mother's abandonment and instead of dealing with it in a mature, non-eleven year old way (which is impossible for him at this point) he associates "black people" with the pain his mother has caused.
It's not fair.
I also think that you may be a bit overly sensitive/concerned about this. He isn't saying black people are 'bad.' He clearly prefers light skinned people. I think it's fair to state that your SO (who is white) clearly prefers dark skinned people (at least BM and you, if not others.)
I wouldn't make a big deal of this.

Hi Knucklehead, I think

Hi Knucklehead,

I think you're right. He met his biological mother about a year ago - after I begged her to see her son - and has only seen her one other time since. Before me he had a stepmother who his father felt was unfit to continue on in relationship with Jake after their divorce, she was also black. So in his mind black women leave him. I'm pretty sensitive to it because I don't want him sharing those views with my children.

My fiance does have a preference for black women; he's never dated a white woman. If he'd voiced a dislike for white women, I wouldn't be with him. I understand preference but not outright exclusion. Jake's comments sounded a little too much like the latter to me and I had a knee-jerk response.

Jake currently sees a child advocate but she is of the mind that we live in a post racial society and doesn't take Jake's racial difference seriously.

I agree races shouldn't be

I agree races shouldn't be excluded. I think that maybe just reminding him that he doesn't want to be judged on the color of HIS skin, so he shouldn't judge others by the color of theirs.

It has yo do with the fact

It has yo do with the fact his mom left/isnt active.

My cousin30 married a woman with two boys. She is white, their birth fathers are mexican. the older boy is 9. He hasnt seen his father in 2 years, my cousin is "buddy" their term for dad without saying it. Daniel hates all mexicans, his dad was illegal and has been deported. To him he is an american he is not mexican. It is his way of dealing with everything. My cousin and his wife have tried, but telling him he is half mexican only hurts him and gets him very upset. His half brothers dad is an active everyother werk dad, so he doesnt have the same view.

All I can recommed is give him time, let him know he is loved.

I don't think there is

I don't think there is anything wrong with what he is saying. Don't we all grow up to have a preference? I think half white/half AA are the MOST beautiful people I have ever seen (generally) and I remember having a crush on a boy in high school who was half/half. You can be picky and say I must be racist because I never had a crush on a black boy, but I will say...not so fast...racist people don't like ANY color in their crush LOL. It's about preference. I also don't like very blond hair/eyebrows on men, OR southern accents. I LOVE blue eyes.
My son is 11 and a couple of years ago didn't like his blonde hair anymore. I'm not sure why. But he was so happy when it darkened some. It may have been a comment from a friend. As they grow up, they will realize that every race has its winners and losers. I would, however, allow him more experiences with AA kids/adults so that he has something to go by as he compartmentalizes things in his head.

I understand what you are

I understand what you are saying but it's not simply preference when you are excluding individuals who look like you, from your dating pool. It's a preference when one favors blondes over brunettes but prejudice when a a child with an African American mother makes disparaging remarks about black women. If someone hadn't found his dark mother attractive then he wouldn't have that "tan" skin that he is so proud of. I explained to Jake that if his father had followed his logic then he'd likely have a son with blonde hair and blue eyes like him.

I wouldn't expect a non-black to be attracted to an African American, or vice versa. So, no, I wouldn't accuse you of racism for never having been romantically interested in black men, you weren't meant to be. If you felt that way about men of your race then I would wonder if you suffered from some self hatred.

you really need to see

you really need to see someone about removing that cob. you take everything so literally. i call my son a monster when he's irritating me. i suppose in your world that's abuse?

Thank you!

His father believes that he

His father believes that he just hasn't been around enough black women (or people period) to know how he really feels about them but he says that Jake gets a better education at the predominantly white school that he currently attends, so he won't be changing his school. So I can look forward to these issues being ongoing.

I know very few African

I know very few African Americans who are prejudiced against their darker brethren. There are, unfortunately, some blacks who believe lighter skin to be better but such views are not tolerated by most African Americans so those individuals normally date out, under the guise of "loving all people," or simply keep those feelings to themselves. We're all very knowledgeable about the Willie Lynch Syndrome now, so very few people are willing to raise their hands and say that they prefer the European standard of beauty.

You are right; Jake needs to be placed in a more diverse environment. I took him to a prominent African American church and he acted afraid of the people. I ignored his discomfort though because at this point he needs the exposure. I am now thinking of other ways to immerse him, so to speak.

Okay I do have to chime in

Okay I do have to chime in here. Being an African-American male myself, I do understand your point about not wanting your SS to be this way. I don't necessarily think it has anything to do with his mom abandoning him either.

Sorry Blue Belle, only SMALL-MINDED black people in this day and age are racist against darker skinned blacks. In reality (and historically) it has to do with back in slavery days when the fairer-skinned blacks were considered house slaves and got better treatment than the darker-skinned blacks who were often the "field" slaves. Do a quick google of the name "Willie Lynch" to find out more about this topic.

By the way, this doesn't just affect black people. Even in Latin America and India, the "fairer" skinned people are the ones you see on TV and movies all the time.

Because he's only 11, I'd cut him a little slack on his way of thinking. I would seriously try to make a concerted effort to have him interact with others with others of his race. There may be some African-American youth groups or something nearby that can help out with this. Growing up in an all-white environment is certainly contributing to his way of thinking. Good luck.

I don't think that was ever

I don't think that was ever up for debate. It's skin tone among people of color and class, hair color and body type for whites. Every group has something. Where I live whites who live in the "hood" are referred to as trash by those who don't. It's unfortunate but all kinds of prejudice are alive and kicking.