Help!!!
Hi everyone! I'm new on here. I was hoping for a little advice about my situation...
4 years ago, my husband's ex dumped him right after finding out she was pregnant. They lived in another state. He moved back here, a year later we started dating, and a year after that we got married. We are childhood friends but we had lost contact with each other after high school.
While we were dating, his ex told him the child might not be his and refused to give him any visitation. We didn't see the child for 6 months while the DNA test was done and we filed for a court date to get visitation. During this time, my husband and his family became very close to my 2 children from a previous marriage. The child ended up being his and the judge set up visitation for us to have him one week a month. During the first year of this, the ex looked for ways to annoy us. She filed a harrassment complaint on my husband when he called to check on his child, sent police to our home to do a welfare check, etc. She just wouldn't stop. And then a year ago, it all changed...
She left her new husband to move here and gave us visitation with the child every other week, only because she had nowhere else to go. And now she won't go away. My husband's parents have basically become her best friends; they give her money, she calls them all the time, they talk about her all the time, and she comes to their home to sit for hours. They also babysit for her while she is working. She calls my husband about every little thing, stops by my house when I'm not there, and told him she wishes she could be with him again. They believe she has changed and she is trying to make up for everything in the past - in the meantime, she is trying to get dirt on me from his family (there is none), she lies to them about me, and says things to try to make them dislike me. I always hear these things secondhand because she is two-faced and will not confront me about anything. So, how much has she really changed? And, my husband's family has started treating my children differently now that we have his child more. They favor his over mine, and it gets worse all the time. They allow his child to do whatever he wants and spoil him rotten. My kids barely get noticed, and when they do, it's just so his family can tell me something they're doing wrong and talk bad about my parenting style when I'm not there (again, I always hear it secondhand). The ex also tries to get my husband to go do things with her and my stepchild without me, which he refuses to do.
Anyway, here are the things that are bothering me. 1. His parents have basically replaced us with the ex and her new boyfriend (she's on #7 in the last year). 2. My children are being pushed aside in favor of my stepchild (the only person who hasn't done this is my husband) 3. My husband won't stand up for me or himself against the ex or his family 4. It is causing conflict between my family and his (my family is extremely upset about the situation my husband and I are being put in)
I think it's wonderful that we are getting more time with my stepchild, but I feel like his family has replaced me with the ex. And I feel like I'm on my own when no one will stand up for me against the things she says. And it hurts me to see my children treated differently. I don't say anything because I don't want to cause problems for him, but my husband's lack of action against the ex and his family has me second-guessing how much I really mean to him. I guess I'm just feeling like I always play second's to the ex's every demand in every aspect of our relationship. I'm not trying to replace her as "mom" or anything, but I feel like we should at least have one day where we don't see her, have to talk to her, talk about her, or have to bend over backwards to keep her happy. Just ONE would be nice.
I'm just really tired and not sure what to do anymore...
I should also add that my ex
I should also add that my ex and I and his new wife are on good terms. We don't speak unless it's about the children, and I don't see him unless it's at pickups/dropoffs. But we get along for the most part. Is it too much to ask that we have this type of relationship with his ex as well?
I understand they may be
I understand they may be worried about losing their grandchild. But what really bothers me is how they've been lately...ex called the other day while we were at his parents and mom invited her over knowing we would leave. Felt kinda like we got kicked out in a roundabout way, so yeah it feels to him like he's being replaced. Things like that have been happening more and more lately.
As far as my kids go, my husband and his family give me a guilt trip if I don't take them to see his family, but when I do, they get ignored. So I'm really not sure what to do there...
I guess I'm just looking for my husband to put his foot down a little. Shut down the ex when she badmouths me or lies, or tell her to stay out of our business when she gets too nosy. I know he's limited on what he can say, but I feel like she's a little too involved in our lives, in things beyond her child. She tries to get into our personal business too.
That's been my take on it
That's been my take on it too, I'm just tired of the guilt trips when I put my children's feelings first. That's what I'm supposed to do as their mom. So frustrating!
And as far as talking to his
And as far as talking to his parents go, the crap finally hit the fan, so to speak. The parents put me us in a spot where we had to say something. He let them have it, and so did I when they pulled me into the conversation. I was a little nicer but here's the result...they won't speak to me now, just him. They basically threw a tantrum and now things are awkward.
They said they were willing
They said they were willing to forgive her and make amends after all this crazy stuff she's done, but they aren't willing to cut me some slack when all I did was tell the truth about how weird they are making this entire situation. I'm ready to cut ties with them altogether.
She's the mother of their
She's the mother of their grandchild and they may feel they have to kind of walk a tightrope with her or she'll nut out again and take the kid away.
Your poor kids. It's a shame your inlaws don't have enough love to go around.
I know it's a tough spot for
I know it's a tough spot for them. This is why I don't confront her too, because I don't want to cause problems for my husband. But when does someone say okay, enough is enough?
As far as my kids go, when we are in situations where we have to see them, I just want to cry when we leave. I'm starting to limit the time my kids have to be around them to basically "have no choice" situations, and because of that, the extended family doesn't have much to do with any of us anymore, including my husband. That part does make me feel bad, for him.
Let #2 go. People can't help
Let #2 go. People can't help how they feel.
There are plenty of SMs here who had a close relationship with their SKs until they had kids of their own. Some SPs can't love their SKs the way they love their BKs. It's the same for some grandparents.
I know you guys are right. It
I know you guys are right. It just hurts. I'm sure my kids will get to the point they will decide to stay away on their own. My oldest has already started asking why this child gets this, does this, etc. Thankfully he's not old enough to really understand all of it yet, but he's old enough to see there's a difference. It's just a really hard thing to try to explain to a 5 year old when he asks...
So how would you all handle
So how would you all handle the parents in this case? I mean, them putting us in awkward situations with the ex? We don't exactly want to hang out with her like best friends...it's weird for me, but even weirder for my husband. He feels like, after all she's done, his parents have taken her in and expected him to just be okay with it. And they seem to throw it in our faces a lot. I think they've gotten too involved, and they should have left everything to be dealt with by him and her without so much of their input. What do you all think?
Is it time he say back off,
Is it time he say back off, let me deal with it and mind your own business?
Spend time with the ILs in
Spend time with the ILs in your home only. That way you have control over who is invited.
When they plan stuff at their house, send DH and SS alone.
That's a really good idea,
That's a really good idea, thank you
I mean events like my SK's
I mean events like my SK's birthday parties, or Christmas when the whole family gets together, things like that. Other than that, I don't take my kids around the inlaws much. In those instances, I can't really avoid it, but then my family's usually there to pay attention to mine when no one else will. So it's not so weird for the kids or me. And they're still young so they don't notice too much anyway.
And I agree, it needs to be him who puts a stop to it. He's so worried about not rocking the boat that he's just stayed out of it up to this point. But now he's to the point he's pissed and finally saying something. I don't know if it will do any good, like I said they won't even speak to me now, but at least I feel like he finally acted like a man.
That's where I'm at too...I'm so tired of hearing about her that I just leave the room or don't go.
I could cut myself off from
I could cut myself off from the in-laws but the stepkid's impossible since he stays with us half the month. And it's not his fault anyway, and he and I are pretty close. But I could distance myself from the parents...might get the point across.
As for psycho ex, I don't worry about my husband with her, he'd rather die than go back to that again. I just don't trust her. And you're right, she shouldn't ever be there when my husband visits his parents.
I don't have much either. And
I don't have much either. And I'd rather spend what I do have with my husband and kids anyway instead of hanging out with them. It looks like they won't be seeing me or hearing from me for a while. Thank you for the advice.