I disagree with bc1983. Your husband is an adult and can fake it if necessary.

Get family counseling. Go alone if you have to and hopefully try to lure him in as you go along. Within 8 weekly sessions you should have the tools you need to at least make the boy feel better and likely he'll be called in also so start this after he returns. If husband asks about your sessions or why you're going tell him its about how to save the marriage. This may prompt him to attend just to defend or keep the marriage intact.

If he starts attending the sessions later on stretch the 8 sessions out so he can get straightened out. If after 4 sessions you're not getting the information you need switch counselors.

This is a hard one....I would be heartbroken, too , if I were you, but maybe try to lower your expectation for your husband a bit.Here are a lot of stepmothers like me , who struggle with the feelings that we have or don't have for the stepchildren.What I try to do is to look at every situation in a separate way and ask myself questions if I feel like this because of me and my feelings OR because of the circumstances.
Ask yourself if you feel sad or frustrated with your husband if it comes from your disappointment that he doesn't seem to love your son as much as your daughters(Not a lot you can do) OR if he is really unfair or even mean to him (This is not acceptable and you need to talk to him about it then).
I feel sorry for your son a bit , but stepfamilies are never like a core family where the parents equally love their kids.You can be the best parent you can be and make sure you spend time with your son.
Maybe the whole thing does matter more to you than to him.Is his dad in the picture at all?x

She never said her son was disrespecting her husband.

Yeah, this is really frustrating to read because she did not say her son was disrespectful. Just because SF used the SS's behavior as an excuse doesn't mean there is any truth to it.

I have been in the situation where there is just nothing to say, or you don't care, or just hearing the skid talk is irritating. I'd bet most sm's on here have been there. I don't think your expectations are unreal. You want him to engage in conversation and be friendly. I know this sounds weird, but try having him engage in role play with you being your son. He can ask you different questions (even if he doesn't care) and see how he would respond if ss (you) answered. You can try having a few different conversations about things that pertain to ss. Or he can get a joke book and ask him jokes or riddles. They just need something to get the ball rolling and get them talking. Dh may soon realize that 5 mins out of his day having these short conversations with ss is not that draining or daunting a task. If it is, then I feel sorry for your son. It may be too late, but your son should know that this is NOT his fault or because something is wrong with him.

Momo, as much as I feel for your son, especially as it is also a difficult age, I still think that the whole 'package deal" idea is not always what works in step families, since the expectations it brings along with it are normally too high.
I know that some of the posters expressed themselves a bit harsh, but I think that it is nevertheless a good thing to think about if your expectations to your hubby could be a bit high. I just knew that this was a bit my situation- when me and SO were dating first, I admit that I wasn't very fond of SD since she was so spoiled and princessed.SO is so wonderful though and not only he changed a lot around for us to blend better, but also did take a lot of pressure of me not to expect too much of me and my feelings (and I did the same for him with my kids)This really helped me finding my own pace in liking SD , sometimes even a bit more, sometimes less, which is really nice.
But in saying this, although I struggled I always tried to work on having a rs with SD and I believe your husband could do the same, eg taking him to a movie or sth similar.Even trying to give him 5 minutes of attention every day can be a total turnaround.Every little gesture or try can improve things in your family.
I am just worried that he may feels too pressured to have to love him that he doesn't want to do antything like that.
Teenagers can be difficult, you can't expect them to be perfect (yay, I have two:)), but I think a chat with your son can't harm...maybe he was a bit too defensive or silly lately as well.
I would recommend to indulge in all available stepfamily education you can get, eg "Stepmonster"
Let us know how you go!x

i to am in a situation where my husband and my bio son do not get along or have any kind of relationship. I seem to be stuck in the middle, grappling with the whos right, whos wrong " scenario. I am sick and at the end of my rope. My sons biological father died in a car accident 2 years ago and although he was an alcoholic and not very responsible person, my son longs for that relationship, and he does not get it from his step father. My son is 18 and did not have contact with his real dad for 5 years prior to his death, and when he was ready he wasn't there. His step father has never really been a father as his expectations from my son were never met therefore he gave up trying to be his father. I feel bad for my son not having a father figure in his life and having a mother who is afraid to upset the boat with either of them. i am surprised to find this site and also not sure what to say, the whole situation makes me want to run away from them. when my H is upset with my son he tells me to deal with it, but i don't get upset over the same things as him and my son knows where it comes from, i have told him to talk to my S himself, but he wont therefore i am the messenger and i hate it with a passion. I guess i just need to vent and so far i have just started to steam a bit. i am scared for myself and my son as my marriage has taken away my mothering instincts and desires therefore my son will not even talk to me anymore, i have no idea what he does or likes or who his friends are...i am totally messed up over the whole thing and not sure what to do, i want my son to be happy, i want to be happy, but it isn't in sight...........

OP, did your husband know you were a "package deal BM" before you got married?

How did he treat your son before the marriage?

I agree...I have wondered what the sfather would post about this, because there is more than one reality. But it sounds like the bm has observed the treatment, and while it's very true that the kid may be an ass, it's not to the degree that the bm feels it warrants this treatment. We all get that we could forgive our biokids of murder but then want to kill our skids for looking at us wrong, but I don't feel like that's what's happening here. Hopefully the OP can be objective enough to take a good look at the overall picture and find a solution that will work for the family. It IS hard living with someone else's kid. It will never be easy. It doesn't help in this case that the two biokids are girls, which just makes the difference in treatment that much worse. I've seen a bio-dad of 2 girls/1 boy put the girls over the boy all the time. Actually, my own exh does it with my kids. But they aren't rude and ugly to them. That's the line that he needs to learn not to cross.

You, your husband and your son have lived together since your son was three. How have they gotten along over the years, did they ever seem to bond? What about your son's father, was/is he in the picture?

How much parenting does your husband do in regards to your child? Are you able to effectively discipline your child or have you relied upon your husband to handle it all? I am thinking of a BM I know IRL who is quite frank and open in regards to relying upon her partner to discipline her sons, i.e. I can't do a thing with them, only SO can make them mind, but now that her son's are 11 and 14 it has become difficult in her home. Based on her experience, I feel it is quite a mistake for a mother to fail to parent and rely upon the SO to keep the boys in line.

Lastly, just the comment that this happens with bio-parents too. The football captain and cheerleader marry and have a son who wants to be a ballet dancer. The father cannot relate at all and there is no real relationship. You may love your son's quirky jokes but your husband may find them truly annoying.

Is there much common ground between the two? I do agree with dtzyblnd's assessment of males bumping chests for the alpha male position. How many teen males I personally know that have ended up in fistfights with their fathers. Hopefully the relationship was good prior to the kid entering adolescence.

Sorry, but you have 3 kids by two different guys...sorry, but read a bit...No, ADOPTING a child is NOT the same. When you adopt a child, that is YOUR child, you discipline him, you raise him how YOU see fit, etc...it is NOT the same and odds are, it will never be. If you can't deal, then you need to raise your kids on your own. Sorry, but that is the harsh truth.

Unfortunately from your post its difficult for me to discern the issues. From your side of things it sounds like your son does nothing really wrong and neither do you.

However, since I am biased by being in a relationship with a man with kids, I have to wonder what your DH is really experiencing.

Does your son challenge him, do you take up for your son all of the time, do you give him adult spousal status?

Is your DH just really being unfair or does this stem from something deeper related to your son or your son and your relationship that makes DH feel like a third wheel.

Only putting this out there. Perhaps your DH needs to be here reading and posting his story?

I am biased because I have an SD16 who I some would say i was cold to, but I feel I am justified in being so.

Ok I have a question for the OP. Has your DH's relationship with your son always been this way? You have been together for some time and your son would have been fairly young when you met your DH. Did they initially have a good relationship and only recently (last year or so) it has been an issue with your DH being this way towards your son? As for your DH saying that your son is not nice to him either, your DH is the adult and as long as your son is not being disrespectful then your DH needs to be the adult and be the one to fix things. It is possible your son is not being nice to him simply because the way DH treats him. Why would your son want to be nice to someone who treats him poorly?

Ok I have a question for the OP. Has your DH's relationship with your son always been this way? You have been together for some time and your son would have been fairly young when you met your DH. Did they initially have a good relationship and only recently (last year or so) it has been an issue with your DH being this way towards your son? As for your DH saying that your son is not nice to him either, your DH is the adult and as long as your son is not being disrespectful then your DH needs to be the adult and be the one to fix things. It is possible your son is not being nice to him simply because the way DH treats him. Why would your son want to be nice to someone who treats him poorly?

Your post really bothers me. As I've said before, we as parents have to be the first line of defense between our kids and people who would do them harm. You don't think this is harming your son? Do you think your son will want to spend any time around him if he doesn't have to? When I met my DH and my SS, who is actually his nephew, (he's been like Dad ever since day one, long story), I was 19, the last thing I wanted was to help raise a 6yo. Was I nice to him? Yes. Did I welcome him into my home? Yes. When years later I had my 3 bios, did I love them more than CTBB(SS)? Yes. Did I verbalize that? No. It would just be cruel of me to do that. I can't say even at 33 he doesn't bug me (I'm on ST lol) still, and he's an adult with his own SS now, I'm sure he knows the score. But I never once did the things that your DH is doing. And that boy could try me, believe that. I think your issue is not a step issue, it's a parenting issue. You have some decisions to make. And trust me, your girls do not appreciate being "the favorites". That's scarring in it's own way. I was my dad's favorite and he was awful to my brother (nuclear family) I carry that with me to this day.

momof31997, I don't think that it was right to call out newmom3. She is just giving an opinion that is what these forums are for and it may be helpful to the person posting this to understand that we as step parents 9some of us) HATE our step children. I agree with anyone who has posted that I will never love or even like my skids. I am nice to them and I respect them when they respect me. My DH tries to push me to like them and want to be around them and that just makes me even more frustrated. They are not my kids and I dont want or need to take care of them. When I married DH I married him not his children. Just because you choose someone with children does not mean that your life needs to be surrounded by their past choices. That was THEIR choice and THEY need to deal with it. Yes the children are an extension of your family but they are not my family and they never will be. A step parent is NOT a parent. There are some people who take this role so well and actually become a parent figure..but that is not the norm and should not be expected from partners with children.

My advice to you, is to put your marriage first. Try to help your son be more respectful and do not expect a relationship from step dad and step son. All that should really be expected of him is to be kind and not put your child in any danger...not make the situation tense or uncomfortable, but your DH should not have to go above and beyond to make a relationship with your son. He is not his and quite frankly most teenagers probably don't want sdad to try to make a relationship. Its a forced awkward situation.

If you can talk to your son about being respectful and your DH about being kind I think that the best you can do. Be glad that he is a great dad to your other 2 but it is not his fault he probably doesn't want a relationship with your son. I know that is hard to hear but if bio parents that marry people like us without kids could just understand how we feel..we are not super human...and you can't make us love a kid that isn't ours and probably is a brat. ( not implying anything on your son mostly just my skids) 2nd marriages would have a lot better success rate. Oh and fighting about your kid when he probably already dislikes the situation he is in anyways probably just makes it worse and makes him want to leave. I know it does me.

I am not trying to be hard here...my DH doesn't get it and I wish someone on the other side would. Good luck to you.

I think you're trying to research your way out of a tough decision. If someone is emotionally abusing one of my kids, I would'nt hop on the internet, I'd fix the problem. I'll say it again, and I might get reemed for it: you don't have a step problem, you have a parenting problem.

I'm afraid that since you have been with your DH this long, the damage to your son's self esteem is already done. It's a little late to be worrying about it, now.

Meh sounds like the typical mom taking the side of her son vs her husband

Try showing a little respect and thankfulness to the man who has helped raise your baggage

I don't make an effort to talk to my SD11 because she has a smart mouth and she is a know-it-all. I avoid talking to her as much as possible. I don't tell my SD what to do anymore-I don't tell her to brush her teeth, to pick up after herself, nothing. That's her dad's job and I don't want to hear her whining. I remind Dh about those things and he has to hear the whining.
But, I am an adult with SOME heart. If my SD speaks to me, I keep my reply brief: "Did you?" or "That's great!" "Have a nice day" "How was your week?" I am able to put on the game face because I don't want to hurt her feelings.
It sounds like your DH has partially disengaged and everyone would probably be better off is he were fully disengaged.
Are you sure your DH isn't mad at YOU for something and this is how he shows it?
Does your son's father pay child support? I know my DH gets pissed when c/s is late for my BD. But he doesn't take it out on me or my BD.
Also, in front of my DH, my SD is usually, most of the time anyway, nice and ass-kissy to me. It's when DH isn't around that she has acted like a lil b towards me. Maybe you're missing the part where your son has been disrespectful to your DH??

I wish I could offer good advice, but I can't. My DD18 & DH were the same way. I always felt caught in the middle. DH could never get along with DD...he always claimed I let her do whatever she wanted. She was a typical teen and was in no way out right disrespectful to him. I tried to play peace keeper for many years. When she turned 16 she decided to live with her dad (which was just down the street from us) & I let her. It broke my heart, but it ended their bitterness towards each other. She's in college now & while I don't think they'll ever have a close relationship, it is so much better than it ever was before. They seem to hav ea mutual respect for each other that I wish had been there all along.

Good luck!

Hi, so I was in your shoes about a decade ago. I can only really tell you that from the way you are talking I feel you are nearing the end of the rope. One day you will wake up and realize that this person is not caring or respecting you and your sons feelings and it will disgust you, he will disgust you. The love you once had will be replaced with resentment and lack of respect. I think it sounds like you have talked as much as you can. It is now time for action. Think of it like training a puppy who is nipping at childrens ankles while playing- they are not intentionally trying to hurt the child, but it is not healthy for the child. You would sternly tell the puppy no, and ignore it for a short time so it gets the hint that the behaviour is not "ok." I would do the same with husband here and when you see behaviours you do not like, simply say "that is not appropriate, that is disrespectful to what I have discussed with you and so we will be spending time elsewhere now" (and any plans for the night- are DONE). I would not engage in an argument and tell him you will only discuss further when the children are in bed. I would make his life as uncomfortable as your own, I would let your children see you will defend them (all, even the girls if it ever came down to it in another situation). It will only bring what is inevitable to a head earlier, or actually let him see his actual behavior (as it is happening) and seek out help. Yes, I would make HIM seek out the help to salvage this- HE is not your child, HE should be your partner helping you GET THROUGH tough days, not making them tougher. Hugs to you. - Amy