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Feel like I can't do this

steptree's picture

Sad
I have a 3 year old step son who is perfectly nice (as well as being a complete chatterbox and too loud for my taste but he comes from that kind of family) and a 1 year old son. My love for my son is so natural but I can't seem to love my step son (he's been in my life regularly for 1.5 years). I am not a 'kids person' but not cold either -- I tend to like the more quiet thoughtful sweet kids versus the boisterous, in your face types. I know I have MAJOR issues with why my husband chose to make a baby with his ex being that he knew he was not in love with her. We are going to start therapy asap since any talks just seem to end up with me in major tears (I moved country, left my job, friends etc to be with this man so feel a little lost!). My husband puts me on guilt trips for not being affectionate enough with his son - I'm not unaffectionate, I do kiss and hug him hello and goodbye, I just don't want to be fake and I am not drawn to hugging and kissing him all the time. Me and my stepson have a great relationship so I kind of resent my husbands guilt about leaving him overiding what is fact - that we have a good bond. I want time to do its work, and for affection to grow naturally: Everytime I feel forced I feel less like having him in my life.
My self esteem is eroding - I feel like the bad guy all the time and just feel, on a day like today when we had a fight (I requested that my husband stops stepson whining because if had been 4 days of whining and I finally complained and he said its not legitimate, a 3 years old can't be stopped from whining - I disagree! He can at least try!)...I feel like I just can't anymore. That I'm not built for this. I don't love my step son. I find him more of a burden then anything else. He costs so much money, we had to change the town we were living in in order to be close to him - so many things I did not anticipate when I agreed to come here...
Its so nice to find somewhere I can finally vent my 'wrong' feelings...he's a sweet child...caught up in adults decisions...yet I feel like I don't have a say, my requests come last, yet I'm expected to do all the positive stuff (cooking, affection...etc)..
Advice would be so welcome..

Thank you

stopandchat's picture

I can relate. I don't love my 6 yr old stepson either. I don't even like him, and it's really putting a strain on my marriage - understandably so. My husband and the BM are classic guilty parents. As a result, there have been no boundaries or discipline for SS, and he is a rude, demanding, whiny, needy, clingy spoiled brat. His behavior makes me really not want anything to do with him. And, the fact that my husband really doesn't do anything makes the situation even worse. My husband also accuses me of hurting his son's feelings because I won't play with him. It's not that I don't play with him, I just refuse to play with him ALL DAY. He has no friends, and he expects adults to be his playmates. My husband does it. I don't feel like I should be obligated to. And, because of that, I'm the bad guy.

My husband and I have our first counseling session on Tuesday. Something has got to give here. So, hopefully the counselor will help. It's the last option for us, I think. I can't continue to live like this. I always feel like the bad guy too, but, I'm not! I'm hoping that if my husband hears this from a third party, he may change his way of thinking, and his approach. All I want is for my husband to parent his child, stop letting the child be the boss, and be in control. I really don't think those are unreasonable requests.

I feel for you, because I'm in practically the same boat. Maybe therapy will help - it seems to have helped several people on these boards, and is highly recommended.

Good luck to you.

jenners's picture

First off your feelings are not "wrong". I feel like it is so ridiculous for people to have expectations that we as adults are going to fall in love with children immediately. We don't have those expectations of the kids, right? Don't put so much pressure on yourself-it sounds as if you actually have a fine relationship with your ss and I bet it will continue to get even stronger if you do not feel the pressure to do things that you are not yet comfortable with! Be sure and let your husband know that you care about your ss and you feel that things are going well between the two of you.