Couldn't stand it anymore.
This morning, I broke up with my girlfriend.
A little background. I'm 34, never married, no children. She is 26, divorced with a 5 year old girl. We work together in a small business, that's how we met. I'm Amercian and she's Mexican (her English isn't very good and neither is my Spanish). She started working at my company last September and I was immiedatly attracted to her. However, professionalism kept me at bay, saying to myself "It wouldn't be good for us to get involved romantically". Around January, our interest in each other bloomed as we always made long eye contact. After some debate, I pushed my luck and said "Go for it" and gave her a rose one morning and we've been together since.
I knew the relationship would have it's challenges already considering the language barrier, but I tried to learn as much Spanish as I possibly could during our time together. Also, I never dated a woman with a child before. Myself, I was raised by my mother and stepfather who took me under his wing since I was 4 years old. I consider my stepfather to be the greatest dad I could ever ask for, and I hope one day I can be at least half as good of a father as my stepfather has been to me.
Things were cruisin' right along, we'd spend time together and I'd spend time with her and her daughter (whom also speaks Spanish and broken English). My feelings started to change about a month ago. Not towards my girlfriend, whom I love with all my heart, but with the frustration of trying to spend time with her alone. I started feeling that my needs are always put in backseat. I work nearly 70 hours a week, so my free time is rather limited. I put to my best foot foward however. On Sunday's, we'd go to places like the zoo, or a theme park, or to a Rated G movie, all out of my own pocket.
Last night, I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep. My girlfriend and her daughter sleeping soundly next to me. Something snapped, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed the closeness and touch of the woman I love without having to feel like I'm 2nd on the totem pole. I know, selfish right? I mean, being with a woman who already has a child, I should expect that. But to not have that intimacy without you-know-who in the room drove me crazy. Christ, even if the daughter saw us kiss, she'd get jealous and pry herself between us...literally!
This morning, I told her the news that "I love you with all my heart, but...". I was so distraught telling her, I started to break down like a little kid in front of her. She was obviously upset as well, and probably surprised by my decision. After a maybe 10 minutes, i gave her a final hug and kiss out the door as I couldn't control my emotions anymore and walked over to car while hearing the door slam behind me. The drive home felt like an eternity. It felt like I had just had my heart ripped out of my own chest, by my own hand no less!
I'm confused and that's the reason I'm here. Telling my story in order to get some healthy advice. Looking back on what I did today, I have felt this moment brewing in me over the past couple of weeks. I'm turning 35 in three months and I don't want to be a first time father when I'm 40+. I want to watch my son or daughter grow up while I'm still somewhat young. My now ex-girlfriend would have provided that opportunity as she wanted one more child.
I realize life isn't fair and you can't always get what you want. You have to compromise. I love my ex with all my heart. I don't say "I love you" lightly. I have only said it to another ex from 10 years ago. She would never betray me and was willing to go the distance with me. As for her daughter, I'll admit, she is high maintanance. She does cry a lot when she doesn't get her way and is very clingy with her mother. The daughter's biological father lives two time zones away and hardly speaks with her and only sends child support money probably half the time required. My ex does her best to disipline her, in private and in public. But the little princess often has difficulty accepting "no" as an answer.
Anways, she's already deleted me off her facebook and told me she'd give back my housekey tomorrow. Several hours later, she sent me at text saying she loves me, and I told her likewise. And that was it.
I suppose what I'm asking, should I try and give it another shot? Or would I just be setting myself up for failure again. I'm in the process now of saving up for a house, regardless of whether the relationship is salvaged or not. They can't move in with me now, because I live in a one bedroom. I can't move in with her, because she is already living under her sister's roof. My ex and daughter sleep together in the same bed because there isn't another room for the daughter to have for her own. Things could be different in my own house, and as the daughter is going to be attending school full time. This is all "What ifs" and "If...Then" thinking.
Any advice is appricated.
Well at least you learned
Well at least you learned some Spanish. I think you gave this your best shot and future attempts will end the same way. You're not suited to play second fiddle to someone elses kid. Nothing wrong with that in fact its a pity more current step-parents didn't realize that a lot sooner in the game.
There are a million childless women out there and now you know you need to limit your quest to them leaving out the ones already with children. Plenty of women have deliberately post-poned marriage and children to their early thirties specifically to get their careers going and are now ready to settle down.
Just beware of the ones who are listening too closely to their biological clock and ready to grab the first decent guy who comes along. You should like a good catch and would definitely grab the attention of just such a woman.
Right not its tough and your emotions are raw. Don't do anything rash with this woman for at least a month and then you can rethink the situation. For now immerse yourself in your work.
I'm sure it is little
I'm sure it is little consolation to you now...but you DID the RIGHT thing. I promise, promise, promise. Not being suited to play second fiddle to someone else's kid is NOT a character flaw. There is the FAMILY which of course does and should include the kid. Above that...there is the couple - which should be the FOUNDATION of the family and at the very least receive that consideration and nurturing.
I agree with Orange County up
I agree with Orange County up there. Thank goodness you realized you don't want to play second fiddle before it's too late. As a member of a blended family, there are definate times when bio kid come before second husband and times where his bio kid comes before me. However, the secret is to always ensure that we make time for eachother alone.
I don't think you were selfish, but for future relationships involving step-kids and such you should remember that communication is the MOST important thing, and that clear guidelines (such as, yes, child is no.1, but I still expect us time alone once in awhile) should be set up from the beginning (ie: prior to meeting children or any other serious steps)
What-ifs and all of that
What-ifs and all of that sound good before you truly commit. However, life happens and sometimes the best intentions are broken. Think long and hard about whether, in your heart of hearts, you can accept being second.
I married DH, with the understanding that BM had SD(now18) during the week and DH had her on the weekend. Right after we got married, BAM, an emergency court order was in place for us to have full custody. Ever since then, we have had SD18. She was 7. Life changed forever. It was NOT what I agreed upon, but I was married at that point.
Please really, REALLY think this one through.
Thanks for all your
Thanks for all your input.
I'm going to have to give this some thought before making a decision. The majority here said I did the right thing, and my close friend has told me the same. That I should first and foremost look to my own needs and own well being first.
My head and heart now are too flooded with conflicting feelings. The odds are out of favor with myself and ex resolving the issue, as I'm on the fence about it, and then she'd have to take me back if I wanted to continue with it.
I love her so much and I've dated plenty of girls to know it was really something special before my meltdown. Feels like I'm walking on broken glass, whatever path I take, it won't be easy.
thanks again.
I don't think breaking up is
I don't think breaking up is ever easy. I did the same thing you did, but I also have my own kids. If someone is not giving you what you need, that person is not the one for you. It's as simple as that. You did the right thing.
I agree!! I will add that you
I agree!!
I will add that you really need to think about this.. you are 34 living your life for yourself.. she is living with family, sharing a tiny room with her child. You need a woman who is / can be self sufficent.
You dont need to start of a relationship with the foundation being you have to take care of someone else..even if she is working, she isnt providing proper/adequate housing for her daughter Thats just seriously unattractive in a person (male or female).
Especially if she is a single mom, then she SHOULD be working to support her daughter, not looking for a man to swoop his way into their life to care for mom n child, and wisk them off onto big n better things, all at the expense of the man.
Good for you for getting out.......... I have on my own Walkin Shoes!
I think you went a little too
I think you went a little too fast in the relationship. You've only been together since January, so seven months and you are spending all your free time with them plus sleeping in the same bed with mom and child.
Right now mom can't do anything about having to share a room. Since you are welcome to stay in the home, obviously her family knows you are sleeping together. So, could she, some nights, maybe Sat nights, put her child to sleep and then leave to spend the night with you? Then you could have the night and the day, or at least part of the day, to spend with your GF.
Unless your GF can figure out a way to get herself a two bedroom and start training, discipling and preparing her daughter for a life that includes you, the only way it can happen is if you provide a big enough place. Then you'd have to give it some time to see if GF can manage this.
I wouldn't necessarily say run right off the bat. If your GF is not willing to spend time alone with you and leave her child with someone else, then go ahead and run. Otherwise you may be able to work this out.
Stepmisery, Yeah, as far as
Stepmisery,
Yeah, as far as going too fast, I could see why you'd say that. It might be a more cultural thing. Hispanics are a tight knit bunch when it comes to family. Once I was accepted into the family, all barriers were down. It felt strange and almost intrusive at first, but my ex assured me it was okay. I'll admit, when we were going strong, I made firm decisions as far as what to do on Saturday nights. We went clubbing, to the casinos, stuff just for adults and time to ourselves. I kinda got maybe a bit too comfortable and let it slip hoping she would have some ideas for Saturday nights. Getting a babysitter was never a problem, not with all the aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters in the family, yannow.
In between this and my last post here, I told my girlfriend via text I will need some time to think about this situation. She seems to think I don't love her, and that's the reason for my breakup. Which isn't true, but I could see why she sees it this way. I told her, "This is my life we are talking here, regardless of how much I love you". When I do purchase a house, my ground rules will be in play. And no f***ing way the little one is sleeping with us. Not under MY roof.
I suspect you will be happier
I suspect you will be happier in the long run to stay broken up. It's hard to say how well you will be able to pull her out of her culture and I think you have a lot of problems when you own the roof and expect your GF to be vastly different than what she is. You could very well end up, not only with a stepdaughter, but myriad other relatives either living under your roof or coming/going so much they might as well live there.
I used to directly work with Hispanic ladies in a factory. They don't value moving out and independence and separate family units as is common in our culture. They value family differently and in many ways it is lovely to see the family unity.
I think what you are finding is that the first blush of a new relationship is wearing off, and the two of you are so different in background that it will be a real struggle to make it work. I don't see your GF moving out to get her own place. Family sleeping is normal in their world. You will be asking her to go against everything she is.
Whichever way it goes, good luck to you.
Mansini, there is one thing
Mansini, there is one thing in that whole scenario you could have done differently:You kept everything in side, you never shared how you feel before to her until it was too late .What you have sacrificed and accepted as being ok was far too much , but your gf had no idea since you put up with it all.So the big lesson to be learned is to not keep your mouth shut until it's too late.From what you describe I would have ran away ages ago...
I *did* learn years ago to
I *did* learn years ago to share IMMEDIATELY when I was having an issue. There is a fine line between expressing needs and nagging. So what I've learned by opening MY mouth and expressing my needs, is that there is only so much a person is willing to give. For instance, if my issue was wanting to go out on a date every other Friday night, that's easy to accommodate. If my issue is that my bf continues to depreciate me/my kids to accommodate his kids/bm, that's probably not going to change...no matter HOW MANY times we run into the issue and "deal" with it. Hopefully that makes sense. Some things are fruitless, and eventually you learn what can bend and what will break.