Starting to dread the visit...
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Been having some wonderfully peaceful time with DH, without anyone around who hates me. She is coming for two visits soon. I try not to think about it but I was so worked up last time, I am going to try to make a plan for when she's here next time. She told dear ole Dad I ignored her the last time she was here. Well, yes, I did. It has been made CRYSTAL CLEAR she is not interested in anything I have to say but does she expect me to play the superficial game? I don't do superficial.
I would try to make a plan
I would try to make a plan with some friends and just not be around when she is. Or even go off by yourself. I know that I was pissed at several of my SD visits, especially when she came just after my father died to go to a high school reunion. I had to babysit! I refused to help with any meals and made no effort to clean the house.
"She told Dad I ignored her".
"She told Dad I ignored her". Right, how did this come to your attention? Because you did not ignore him just as soon as he started to speak about her. How about when he next starts to mention her, you either change the subject, invent a sudden errand, leave the room, even fall asleep on the chair? If he calls you on it you say, "You know I'm not interested so please share that with someone else". If he tries to row, walk out the room.
How dare he ask you to pay attention to his daughter? She's none of your business and you are none of hers.
Sounds like something my SD
Sounds like something my SD would say even though she has nothing nice to say about me. Please don't let DH draw you into a conversation about her. Don't answer him and go to the bathroom or something. That way you can avoid it and if he brings it up again just leave again. Sorry DH I can't talk about SD with you, I am not comfortable with that. No one can balk at you feeling uncomfortable, that is entirely your right to feel that way. I am also working on exactly the advice I just gave you, so good luck to both us
I get SO ANXIOUS when she is
I get SO ANXIOUS when she is here-the anxiety is what I aim to change. Might have to start drinking!
Just look at her and imagine
Just look at her and imagine her tripping as she walks by with her nose up in the air. Works for me :
Next time she tattles on you
Next time she tattles on you to DH ask for specifics. Let him explain to you how you were ignoring her. If he comes up with anything say, "Since SD usually ignores me, I assumed she did not want much attention from me." Turn it around on him.
For many years, SD would tell DH how uncomfortable I made her, and for years I even questioned myself but could not come up with anything that I had done. The last time she accused me of making her uncomfortable I asked DH to give me more details about these alleged incidences. He got the 'deer in the headlights' look on his face, and could not come up with a one. I then told him I could tell him of the numerous times that she and her husband had made ME uncomfortable – and I DID have specifics. I never heard another word about it.
Sounds just like the
Sounds just like the situation with my SD. Only problem is when I ignore her she gets in my face and does things to antagonize me to pay attention to her. Others are saying stand your ground...I say run away. Works for me...no stress of having to put up with the idiot. Even if it's not for the complete 2 weeks. I schedule girls nights out when ever the SD comes to visit...every night is even more fun.
i just love how these sd's
i just love how these sd's can't stand us and make us out to be horrible, yet they don't want anything to do with us, either. it seems to me that the game is that they want us to kiss their ass every minute they are around, period.
a few summers ago, sd was bitching and whining about how hot it was and how she wanted to go swimming. so my bff and i decided to take the kids to the beach. suddenly she didn't want to because she doesn't like my bff! she doesn't like her because even though my bff is nice and has never done anything to sd, she is also pretty straightforward and won't tolerate crap out of kids. she ran a daycare out of her home for several years, so she was pretty experienced with nipping bullshit behavior in the bud. since sd knew she wasn't gonna get away with doing anything she shouldn't, she opted to stay home and sweat with daddy. worked out pretty great for me! (except for when fdh gave me shit about how poor widdle sd felt uncomfortable because my bff is so mean. he regretted that can of worms before the lid was even fully off!)
Yeah I do think a friend
Yeah I do think a friend there is a real panacea. When we moved home a year ago, SS21 who is normally under control and not too problematic, decided to make a few territorial moves. I won't bore you with the detail, but I happened to have a very good friend from abroad staying who had known me for decades (and also is a SM). Boy did she pull him a few times and it really put him in his place. I have never had any cheek out of him since.
SA, I have been contemplating
SA, I have been contemplating outing DH for sharing what she said. Poodle, it came up in conversation because after she was here for a week, I broke down in tears and he saw me. I had been trying so hard not to let my emotions show. I was trying to be disengaged. I can sustain it for a few days but a week was too much. I am sure I'll do better next time. }:)
But how could he confront you
But how could he confront you with an accusation just when you were crying in pain? This is intolerable. If that happens again, just run out of the room continuing to cry and later point out that it is not compassionate to confront anyone with anything when they are crying. Gr.
He's a blurter, as in blurts
He's a blurter, as in blurts out comments not realizing how they will be taken by others. He asked me what was wrong and I broke every rule of disengagement and told him. I said I couldn't stand the fake happy attitude when there are so many things wrong. He said something about how nice she was being. I said, "Do you realize when you are not around, she completely ignores me?" I had barely finished my sentence and he countered with, "She says the same thing about you, you ignore her when I am not there". It was made clear to me she does not care what I think, say or feel, so why would I be talking to her? Then I brought up the fact that be is not supposed to be allowing her to talk about me with him. He did this after reading Stepmonster and apologizing to me. His actions proved he still doesn't get it.
I need to get better at disengagement. I think I brought all of the above onto myself by losing my composure. I can only change myself; can't change them.
You can do it IAW. At the
You can do it IAW. At the beginning of this year I was still snooping on some of them's FBs just to know if they were going to drop by and so forth. Nowadays though, that anxious need to check up on it all that I had developed has completely died out because I drew some boundary lines and determined not to mention them. Neurosis gone, happiness back. Never had better advice in my life than from here. If anyone had explained disengagement to me in earlier years, I'd have said I'd achieved it. But I hadn't. They and their doings were a constant topic of conversation between me and DH and a running sore in my head. No longer. They are irrelevant. Like SA and her DH, we are both so much happier, he because he doesn't feel harried by me, I because I've lost a bunch of baggage. Our own kids are happier, they have more attention. And, in our relationship, there is actually now the space for new development. And guess what? The skids' total neglect of him is dealt by with him, privately, on his own terms.
I'm still waiting for him to set up that marital counselling, the saga continues! But the longer things go on in this pleasant fashion, the less I frankly need it to occur.
All very helpful comments to
All very helpful comments to which I will refer back to when she is here and I need help holding onto my sanity.
Thank You!!!
Don't you HATE how Skids
Don't you HATE how Skids treat us SM's like crap, talk about us behind our backs to Mommy and act indifferent towards us when others are around but when we're alone with them...we're the ones actually taking care of them and they expect so much from us with nothing in return but attitude? Story of my life.