Disgusted By Dirty SD'15
I have a SD who is 15. She is extremely lacking in the hygiene department and I dread her visitations to our home. My SD never washes her hands after using the bathroom, never washes her hands before or after a meal...who am I kidding. I never see her wash her hands at all! She won't shower or bathe but once a week so she has visible leg and armpit hair, she has body odor (down below as well), greasy hair that stains pillows and when she's on her cycle she rarely changes her pads and ends up leaking all over her clothes and the home. She will wear the same bra and panties for days and days without changing! I am totally embarrassed to go out in public with her most of the time because not only does she stink badly but she allows her hair to be unruly and will throw on a sloppy git up like old worn out yoga pants and a tank top. She is a complete slob just like her BM! She is 15 and she doesn't care at all about her appearance and hygiene and it drives me crazy!
She also unleashes a string of messes when she's in our home, she binge eats at night time and I wake up in the mornings to find a ton of dirty dishes, empty containers and soda cans! She will have the entire frdige (which is stainless) smeared from top to bottom in greasy finger, hand and even foot prints!! She will leave the desktop computer with a very sticky mouse, crumb laden keyboard and streak marked monitor along with soda can rings all over our desk, she won't bathe but she does brush her teeth however at 15 she leaves the entire mirror and sink sprayed with toothpaste splatters! If she spills something she leaves it. She stained her bed sheets recently because she had 4 cycle messes in a row on them (from not changing her pads enough) and wiped food, namely cheeto fingers all over the sheets and now they have huge orange marks all over them! She will pick her nose and wipe boogers on furniture even which totally grosses me out.
I know this sounds horrible but she sickens me and I'm embarrassed to be seen with her. Btw, my Husband and I have been dealing with this for 5 years now since she was 10. When it comes to the messes around the house she simply ignores our rules about no eating at the computer or outside of the kitchen, even though she knows she's supposed to make the bed etc and pick up after herself she won't do it. She has a horrible attitude and will call BM hysterically crying when she's told to do something and dramatize things...which leads to a huge fight with BM.
About the hygiene, we have spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars taking her to Bath & Body Works, Victoria Secret etc to buy soaps, lotions, body sprays to encourage better hygiene (she won't use what we buy her). We have lectured her about hygiene until we've been blue in the face and even bought her those "My Body" series of books from Barnes & Nobles to teach her how to properly care for herself. We take her on visitations to the mall and buy her new clothes from American Eagle, Hollister, Aeropostale etc...for some reason we can't get her to wear her nice, new clothes when she's with us instead she insists on wearing her old ragged stuff that looks like pajamas that her Mom buys from Wal-Mart.We have taken her three times just in the last year to have her hair professionally done and also spend lot's of money on hair products etc to encourage her taking care of her hair and that all seems like a waste as well! I don't know what to do anymore!!
Another power struggle and
Another power struggle and your losing.
There is: no breakfast, no computer, no tv, no phone, no NADA in the mornings until she wakes up and
A) showers (with soap)
washes her hair (with shampoo)
c) shaves
d) clips toe nails/ finger nails as needed.
e) dirty clothes in hamper, sheets in hamper and new sheets on bed.
If she fails to do any of the above, she gets to sit in a chair. Returning to her mothers house is NOT an option. If BM shows up to "rescue" her: call the cops for interferance with custodial time.
Six weeks to build a habit, twice that to make it a routine. Stop arguing with her, stop buying her shyte, STOP until she STARTS and until she STARTS all her fun/enjoyable activities and Privileges STOP.
Exactly what we did with
Exactly what we did with SS...If he didn't take a shower before 9:00 at night, he lost the Xbox for a day. Now it is easy...We still have issues with hair brushing, but DH won't take him anywhere until he brushes his hair.
You have to take away everything. As for the sheets, take her to goodwill or a resale shop to buy sheets....Make her go with...
This probably isn't a popular
This probably isn't a popular opinion on here, but I don't think that shaving is synonymous with hygiene. It is completely possible for a young woman to be perfectly hygienic and clean, and have leg and armpit hair. I agree with everything else, but it seems wrong to me to force someone to shave the hair on her body if she doesn't want to do so on the basis that it's "unhygienic", because that just isn't so. Plenty of men and women have perfectly good hygiene with or without body hair. Body hair ≠ unhygienic.
Idk but will you adopt me
Idk but will you adopt me lol. Sorry no real advise, saying that is GROSS is being nice. I know my son between 11-12 went thou a faze of not showering as often as he should but nothing like you have going on. He hit Middle School and girls and it all changed.
she obviously isn't gonna
she obviously isn't gonna change anytime soon. So I would have a can of febreeze handy and lysol disinfectant wipes around me at all times and I would spray behind her and wipe down anything she touches before i touch it.
and if her or dh ask what or why you are doing it, i would just simply put, " her habits are gross to me. She doesn't want to improve them, fine. But i am NOT going to touch or smell it any longer."
I'm thankful that both my
I'm thankful that both my skids have really good hygiene! But if I were in your position, I would stop allowing her in my house until she does something about her hygiene! Or hose her down before she is allowed to come in the house! LOL
I agree with just.his.wife, she should not be allowed to do anything until she does her list of chores! You can set the computer, to not be able to log on to it during certain hours. Or heck take the power cord off of it at night!
Maybe she is depressed and needs to see a therapist?
Your SD is depressed and
Your SD is depressed and needs help. Use the hundreds of dollars that you've been spending on toiletries on a good counselor instead.
Thank you so very much for
Thank you so very much for the comments thus far!
Yes, when she started her first year of High School last year as a Freshmen we thought High School would change her somewhat when she saw the other teenaged girls wearing nice clothes, taking care of their hair, being tan, all the typical stuff that teenaged girls do in High School and cave a little to peer pressure, or at least wake up a little bit and realize she has to take better care of herself. She denies ever experiencing any bullying at school or anything but I don't quite believe it....I noticed when we're at the mall for example and she see's other teenaged girls she locks up and becomes a little tense and then will glare at them with hatred and a bit of jealousy. This is where I become agitated because my SD can be just like them (dress nice, have nice hair, etc)...she has all of the tools that her Dad and I have given her and yet remains the way she is out of laziness and carelessness. I agree though with your comments....something is wrong at this age for her to still be this way. I think it's because her Mom is the same way and my SD doesn't think anything is wrong with it.
to just.his.wife. Thank you, believe me I can assure you the gifts and shopping will stop because everyone is right. She won't change any time soon and she obviously doesn't appreciate what we do for her.
I am suspecting she could have some sort of mental health issue....I mentioned the binge eating which has become out of control....she did recently on her last visit violently push and try to attack my 5 year old Niece as well. This concerns me so much!
ManagingMom, I wish we could
ManagingMom,
I wish we could do counseling, believe me. The problem is that we live long distance from my SD (states away). We get her whenever we can throughout the year, Spring Break from School...Summer Vacation, Thanksgiving and Christmas break etc. The visitations and transportation aren't as simple as driving down the street to pick her up from the BM's home. Simply put, we have her when we can, not when we want to otherwise it wouldn't be a problem. There is no such thing as a weekend visit with us because travel and time will not allow, we have her weeks at a time on breaks from School and during Summer so it's a bit complicated. We have spent the money we have because neither of us know what she really has or doesn't have at her home. The BM refuses to communicate with us unless it regards pick up and drop off. My SD is highly defensive of her BM and is quite closed off when it comes to speaking about home, etc....
The SD is so loyal to the BM that she had a hysterical fit a few summers ago because we told her we were taking her to see Twilight New Moon and she broke down saying she promised she would see it with her Mother and refused to go with us!
My Husband told her this last visit he wanted to teach her to drive while she was here....her immediate defensive reaction was "Are you saying my Mom can't drive!!??!! My Mom is a great driver! I love my Mom! She's pretty!"......
Now....proposing going to a counselor with us? I don't want to imagine the meltdown she would have about that. The kid is so brainwashed from the BM she wouldn't say a word anyway, trust me.
As you've concluded it isn't
As you've concluded it isn't going to change but you can stop it while she's at your place by following the ideas in the first response above. As long as she's living most of the time with Mom your few hours aren't sufficient enough to turn her around permanently. Without Mom's consent she's not going to get counseling either and if she's a knock-off of Mom - well what's the problem?
The refer and pantry can be easily locked with hasps and pad-locks if that's a concern. Once she no longer visits the hasps can be removed leaving just the screws.
Orange Co, I'm glad you
Orange Co, I'm glad you recognized the fact that although we have tried and tried everything within our power we simply don't have enough time to make any substantial or permanent changes in my SD as long as she lives with BM full time. As loyal as the SD is to her BM as well...we don't have enough sway in her life as long as her BM says everything is okay and SD doesn't have any problems or issues. She is a knock off of Mom and Mom would NEVER agree to the counseling either.....we pay for SD's Health Insurance and we can't even get her Mom to take her to the damn Dr. when she needs to go!! They think it's okay to be sick for weeks, wait until it's so bad that they have to go to the ER!
This post is my worst
This post is my worst nightmare. SD7 is just like this now, and I worry that this is what she will become! I have never heard of the my body series but I'm looking it up now! I thought it was just because she was litte, but year after year passes and she's not getting any better. At least your DH is on board trying to help you get her under control. This sounds like a really depressing situation... Good luck to you guys.
staying calm, We bought books
staying calm,
We bought books like "The Care and Kepping of YOU", "The Beauty Book", "Bonding over Beauty", "The Ulimate Health Book For Girls", etc. The first one is great! I feel for you, trust me....if they act that way at a young age I'm afraid more than likey they grow into that as a young adult. My SD seems to embrace it, you know what they say, children are products of their environment. Thank you for the support and good luck to you as well!
Is her mother like that too?
Is her mother like that too? hmmm...Ah, I have two aunts that are disgusting...and I wonder how their husbands ever married them, much less slept with them...yuck! lol
Anyway, I agree she might be extremely depressed. I think she needs major counseling, but, there's not much you can do with that if she doesn't live with you...but I would make sure that your DH makes her take showers, etc. when she IS with you...
hereweogoagain, Yes, her Mom
hereweogoagain,
Yes, her Mom is like as well. She wasn't like that when my Husband originally married her and over the years she completely let herself go and became an absolute slob, main reason they got divorced. She was and still is incredibly lazy and didn't care about anything...she didn't work, sat at home all day on the couch and watched TV, smoked and talked on the phone. She made an indention in their couch where she perched all day and my Husband even witnessed her wiping boogers on the couch!! She would wear his white Hanes t-shirts all day and would have food and grease wiped all over them...attractive isn't it? My Husband stopped being intimate with her because she wasn't showering and had severe body odor and personal odor and the marriage just fell apart because they drifted away and he got tired of coming home to a filthy house and her plopping out canned Ravioli for dinner.....unfortunately it seems like my SD has picked up on her BM's habits!
Next time the SD comes to visit she won't like it because rules are going to be enforced! I am seriously considering even posting signs in the bathroom as reminders to wash hands, etc. I am at my wits ends. I am tired of carrying around lysol and bleach wipes all day when she's here!
The kid has some issues, and
The kid has some issues, and I read at times a kid who wont care for themselves thinks they dont deserve it or something.
Depression is prob whats going on here. She needs help and understanding, not an iron fist.
Talk to her, and explain th importance of hygiene.
CSA, If you read all of my
CSA,
If you read all of my posts you would see that myself and her Father have exerted ourselves in terms of explaining the importance of hygiene.....we have had countless talks and gentle lectures, bought her hygiene books even and have spent lot's of time and money on trips to the salon and shopping sprees for personal hygiene products. None of this has worked and we have never treated her with an "ironfist"
What a tough situation...it
What a tough situation...it does sound like she's depressed and it doesn't help that her BM is a slob. Maybe just taking the decision out of her hands would be enough to get her on the right track. Like, house rules, every one is expected to maintain a certain level of cleanliness; personal hygiene and picking up after one's self. It's not a matter of her feeling like it, it's just to be done in a routine manner like just.his.wife suggested. No tv, video games, or whatever she'd rather occupy her time with until she's ready to start/end her day. Hopefully she would find that she enjoys being clean and putting a little effort into her apperance. If not, at least she'd be clean while staying with you...And I hope she cleaned her own period messes up; yuck! Sorry if I seem harsh, I was in the military...hygiene issues went like this: either be clean and happy or clean and not so happy (if peer intervention is required), nobody has to put up with your stank! Good luck to you,