I am out of parenting practice as my "baby" is 24 years old but I wonder if making her earn privelages by listening and complying with your requests would help. For example, instead of taking things away because she didn't listen - having her earn things back by putting her shoes on when asked, etc.

Just a thought - from someone who should probably just shut up.

Ok so I read your dilemma. I have a godson who is the same way. Always has been since he was born. I was in the delivery room so maybe that day he couldn't talk but it was going to be a long battle, he is now 12. Look the little brat my godson is, is not going to end. I have tried everything. I have taken away everything. He shrugs and says "I don't care I have no problem sitting right here and going to sleep... keep it!" And I am in that kids life everyday, not just on weekends! The best results I had was to ignore bad behavior, let the childs father deal with punishing - not you, but keep a log for when he is not there and try to get on tape, give the child nothing to do- no tv, no toys, no anything, the child should be able to earn privliges back, do put on the alarm on closet and make it hard to open with a prop that the child can't reach, have dad give her a talk of what the new rules are (don't you give them, but discuss with dad prior to talk) and have how the child can earn privilges back very clear and discussed in front of you so that the child can then earn them back with you too. This is your only hope. Works with most kids. My godson sort of. He just doesn't care about anything and will just lie on the couch and look at the celing. I have to step sons that are mainly angles so I am lucky, its there mom thats the problem. But anyway, my best advice is to make a plan with dad and stick to it! My husband's favorite quote and its true "Laziness will get you everytime." alls you have to do is let you guard down once and YOUR the ones that lose.
-Cristale54

I agree that you should take away something(s) she will really miss but it sucks for everyone because you all do not get much time together...to really put a dent in getting a schedule or whatever with her. She is acting out I am sure because 1. she is a kid of divorced parents and being moved around where each home environment and parent or step parent does things differently. 2. She probably is super depressed/anxiety ridden because as kids...we blame ourselves for our parents getting divorced..usually. 3. she is a kid..and sometimes they might be like the Children of the Corn...murmuring REDRUM but....hopefully taking somethings away will work....I have to stop and put myself in my stepkids shoes for a moment...before I react too hastily or want to ship them off in a UPS truck. :jawdrop:

I agree with owned by Pedro. Punishing her is clearly not the answer two of my kids were the type that punishing didn't work for made them more determined if anything. Rewarding good behavior and where possible ignoring the bad may work better for you. Then again like ownedbypedro my babies are older 37 35 and 30. But I do have a pretty defiant 2 year old grandson and the reward system is the only thing that works for him.

Focus on the positives instead of the negatives. When she does something really annoying, sure deal with it but don't stress yourself too much or don't give her long lectures. Just taking her toys is good and if she doesn't care then it is fine. Next time she does something good even unintentionally just go hug her and say since you just did so and so, I am going to return one of your toys. This way she will get the message. She will consciously try to act good from that point on.

Can you give examples of what sort of behaviour you are trying to punish? My reaction to a child depends on the behaviour, the child and what I can identify (if possible) as the trigger or motivation behind the behaviour. I think the trigger behind behaviour is majorly overlooked all the time. You're just trying to treat the symptoms when you punish. Try to delve into why exactly she is doing it. I know children can just misbehave for the sake of it, to push boundaries etc. In these cases then I agree with warnings, time outs, toys taking away etc.

Tell your husband you have had enough. Either the kid behaves, stays at her moms or you are not going to be there for her weekend. Go to a relative or friends. You probably won't have to stay away more than one or two weekends and he will be ready to make some changes.

DUMP A GLASS OF WATER ON HER HEAD......:You cannot be serious. There is no excuse or reason for ever dumping a glass of water on your own child's head, let alone someone elses. If someone did that to my child there would be hell to pay. How would you react Foxie if someone did that to your child. I am appalled someone would even suggest this. Hopefully Foxie you were only joking.

However Shaman29 a well deserved spanking from mum or dad is one thing and there is a mile of differece between spanking and beating I agree, but pouring a glass of water on the head of a five year old who is not even your own child, no, absolutely not. You don't have kids at the moment, if and when you do, look at your child in your arms and imagine some other woman pouring ( in anger) a glass of water over YOUR child's head then see how you feel. If she cannot handle a five year old God help her when this kid is 15 or 25. Instead of getting a glass full of water, it may be more productive to get some professional help on how to deal with a child with this nature. Refusing to hug the child when she went home because she was a bad listener, well maybe parenting classes are in order here. I really hate being this critical but this is wrong a so many levels it is not funny. Still it is all a mute point as she hasn't done it, it was just a suggestion made by another poster who hopefully hasn't done it either.

I really wouldn't model throwing liquid on people as a way of anger management to children. Throwing water on females has been a form of sexual humiliation for generations and you only have to look at medieval ducking practices to see how misogynistic it is. Many of the worst domestic violence offences against women, and also offences by psychopaths against anyone, include the throwing of liquids such as bleach, acid or poison in order to do serious hurt. Now whilst chucking a glass of water is I admit wholly different, it does give a kind of subconscious permission to the developing child to develop vengeful fantasies involving this kind of conduct, and if the child goes off the rails in their development it is precisely that kind of child who is going to then develop this scarier sort of behaviour. It really is sadistic, I just would not go there with a child. Better to walk out of the room when angry, or discipline using a more recognised method.

My evil SD6 is with us all the time. My girls 6 and 8 are at their dad's 2 nights a week as we do shared parenting. I go in to work about an hour after my DH. So i usually get up and do some morning chores and laundry while house is quiet and evils SS and SD are gone. I went into girls' room and SD had taken my daughter's Barbie clothes and put them on SD's barbies and then she laid them in a neat row on my daughter's bed for her to see that she had taken and been playing with her outfits. I was enraged as SD is always taking things that belong to my girls. She steals them and takes to her mother's house or in her dad's car for us to find later. We now search her when she leaves. Anyhow, since she does this crap for attention, I just took off the outfits, put them back in my daughters toy case and put her Barbies back where they go. I got home earlier than they did that night and my girls were already playing. SD knew this and came running in and right back to the room to get the "reaction" she was looking for. My girls were oblivious of what she tried to pull and the look on her face when she got no reaction from anyone was priceless. Then it turned to "oh sh!t" because she knew that someone knew. I told her dad about it and we agreed not to mention it and ignoring has been the worst punishment so far to the point that she has given up on some of her behaviors.

Well done Mrscmom2five. Your experience is showing