Any Advice Welcome, Does it ever work
Couple of years ago My bf and I decided after many years of dating that we would move in together, I have 2 daughters 16 & 12, he has 1 daughter 11. All was well until we moved in all together, his daughter just does not want my children to get anything or have anything, she doesnt want him to spend any time with them or give them any attention, if he does do anything with mine then she is instantly ill or hurt in some way, hungry, tired, or there is a spider she wants him to get rid of or something anything to make sure that his attention is straight back with her again, its now gone from bad to worse where she is making out that my youngest is horrible to her, at first I listened and I sat my daughter down and spoke to her about what was said only to find out that it isnt true, he believes his daughter and I believe mine, so we sat them down together and had a family discussion, his daughter imediately went into her baby mode where she cries and behaves like a two year old when that didnt work we all got down to talking and expalaining that they need to find a way to get along or at the very least be civil and polite to one another, worked for two days, then his daughter is back to playing the por hard done by injured party to the point that my youngest now wont go near her and doesnt want to play with her or be in the same room with her as she is afraid of being accused of something else, my teenager is upset by the atmosphere and literally leaves the room as soon as the other girls are in it together. I thought it would settle but it hasnt yet and I am starting to resent my SD, I cringe at the sound of her voice, I hate the way she is treated like a baby by her dad and her BM, She acts like a baby in front of her dad and yet talks to other children as if they were something she just stepped in, she an expert at getting adults to treat her in what ever way she wants and I am sick of it, I feel this unfair to all of us and I decided to have it out once and for all the other day after a normal morning of his daughter causing treouble and upsetting everyone andyet still looking like she is the victim, so I had it out with her dad and then sat down with all of them again, this time I laid down the law and didnt care what anyone thought of it, I didnt play the nice one any more and said what was what and demanded to know why she is behaving this way, when she realised the baby tears and baby voice were not going to make me run away and grab treats and blankets for her she actually told me the truth, she doesnt want to share her dad and she said she knows it will be aweful for me but I should leave and take my children with me!!, I explained that as tempting as thast sounds its not going to happen, mine have gone to stay with their father for a while and now I feel like a stranger in our home, I have tried to stay out of the way but I have been in our bedroom for two days and I feel not welcome downstairs where my BF & SD are sat like two mirro images of each other eating and watching TV, help
What did BF say at this
What did BF say at this meeting? If he said absolutely nothing then it's time you and your girls made your presence KNOWN in YOUR HOME!
Do absolutely nothing for iether of them, let them have their little 'party' for a while, see how quickly BF gets tired of it...and he will! LOL Let this be a lesson on now NOT to behave with your girls too. You can develop some 'in' jokes about it and be happy and smiling as you go about your business.
The ABSOLUTE worst (for them) and best (for you) thing you can do with these people is ignore them, it's hard, believe me, I know!
It's not about winning or losing, really, it's about how pissed off she can make you feel and it's a victory to her if you are hiding out.
You and your girls are the HAPPIEST folks on the planet, as of now! Ignore their bullshit because they want you to feel bad and they want you to pay attention to them so they are getting what they want and you are left with all this negative emotion that they just 'planted' on you...REFUSE to give their bad feelings the roots or the nourishment to grow! Please!!
It takes a while of daddy dearest doing all the things for precious to see exactly what's going on. Seriously, he'll tire of it and then 'decide' something has to be done.
Hi, thanks for the reply,you
Hi, thanks for the reply,you have made me feel a lot stronger, I dont know why I ever decided to retreat up here in the first place,
During the meeting his only words were "you should keep away from each other if you cant be nice"
strange you should mention not doing anything for them thats exactly what I have done, since mine went to stay with their dad I have not lifted a finger, he came up last night and asked me when I was going to cook dinner, I just said I'm not. Its enough having them behave in a way that makes me feel like an outsider let alone waiting on them hand and foot.
she goes back to her BM today, thats a bone of contention to because its all on her BM's terms, she demands when and where she wants SD dropping and he basically asks how high shall I jump, its pretty hard to respect the guy now I have seen exactly how under her thumb he is.
I try to remind myself that I love him and all this will get easier but since SD is only going to get worse during her teenage years somehow I wonder if we will make it.
thanks again for giving me back the strength I needed, I am going back downstairs to definately make my prescence felt.
Is it financially possible
Is it financially possible for you t move out again? Did you move into his place or him into yours? If you and your girls moved into his place then I am sure sd is resenting the intrusion. It might be a good idea to start int a fresh house. That way it's all neutral. Maybe even buy new furniture or at least some new things together. Try to work at making everything new and all of yours together. And most of all make sure you always have your own money and a way to "escape" if all else fails! But ya, you are the woman of the house, not sd, and the only way you can be that woman is if you are present and accounted for (in sd's mind!). Don't ever back down and let her rule, you rule.
I actually had something totally different but similar. Before dh and I got married we movedin together into his apartment (we've since moved twice and are now in our own home). He'd had a gf before me and she'd always came over and cooked for him and helped ss with homework, etc. Well when I moved in she thought it was ok to keep coming and dh thought it was ok to invite her b/c he thought it was good for his son to have the consistancy of his "mom" (that's what he called her :sick: ) coming over to stay involved in ss's life. At first I hid in our room or went to my daughter's or just left. It was so horrible and my dh was not understanding how I felt and oh my...One day it was ss's birthday and of course you know who was in my apartment decorating for the prince's birthday and I was in my room. I called my sister and told her what was going on and she said to get off the phone and get out into my kitchen and take over. She yelled at me to GO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN HOME!!! So I did and what do ya know, that was the last time that bitch came into my home b/c she felt uncomfortable when I came into the kitchen and started setting things up and rearranging things the way I would have done for my own kid. I took over the games and sat on dh's lap and talked and drank wine. All of a sudden she HAD to leave! lol
Yup, you rule b/c YOU ARE THE QUEEN!!
As far as the girls are concerned, let them work it out amongst them. My boys and ss had to do that and now that they're older they do fine, basically ignore each other but are civil! They don't have to be together forever! Encourage your daughters to invite friends over, enjoy tv and basically do what you need to do and that is to claim the home as their own.
Best to you.
Hi, thanks for reply, When we
Hi, thanks for reply, When we decided to move in together we thought it best to do so on neutral ground so we found this place and started fresh, we made sure that all the girls had a room of their own so that they can escape to their own company and we discussed our parenting styles and how we would merge them, before we moved in together I thought he was a pretty good parent, now I can see that his parenting style actually consists of if he makes sure he doesnt see it or notice it then he doesnt have to deal with it. I have started looking at places to rent and I have been working out finances and what to do if I should decide to go, the thing is we are happy when SD isnt here, he gets on with mine fine and mine are pretty good kids, they have their days but I am not afraid to be a parent and deal with anything right away when it comes up, He said I should take over dealing with SD and I should treat her the same as mine, I am uncomfortable with doing that but I gave it a go, the first time an opportunity came up I treated the behaviour as if it had come from one of mine and spoke to her, she just looked at me and turned her back and walked away, I am not going to be hands on with her as I certainly dont need to with mine, so I told him what had happened and he went up stairs to talk to her, there was lots of crying and shreeking where he shouted at him and then lots of whispering and she gets a treat to eat and skips off out to play, he sees the situation as dealt with and I think to myself well I dont have his support.
I know what you mean about letting them sort it out for themselves I do agree, its hard when my youngest is upset by the unfairness of it all, I feel like taking her away from all this, when his daughter comes in and slams doors and goes to her room and cries loudly I feel like I need to run up and ask whats wrong but I have to stop myself.
Shocked to read that your partners Ex GF used to be involved like that but did make me smile how you dealt with it, you did so much better than me, I think I would have exploded. Had a similar thing recently with my BF and his Ex the SD's BM, he said that the BM was going away on holiday with SD and that he would not see her for a couple of week and that they were going to have a dinner party so that SD & daddy (makes me sick thinking about it)he said that we all had to go to the dinner because it would make SD happy and its for her benefit, I dont remeber my exact words but the answer was no, she is not a baby and I dont understand why you keep making her think that the world revolves around her I am not sitting with your ex for SD or anyone elses benefit, they are not moving to another country they are going on a freeking short break so get a grip. Don't think it made me very popular but hey ho I dont care.
they have not taight her how to cope with other children or in any social situation other when she is alone with adults, watching the last christmass gathering with him and his family was like watching the press with a movie star, every siungle piece of paper she tore needed to be photographed and each present she heldf up photographed again and then cheers and clapping for the most of the day, (non of which have ever been used or even got out of the box because her room is like the disney shop, she wont share anything or let anyone touch anything in their but she feels free to share my BD's room and things and BD doesnt complain at all, she recently went into BD's room and said thast a load of the things were hers (like DVD's etc) and she demanded them back, creaming at her mum on the phone and then her BM screamed at BF he came to me and I went into BD room with him and showed him that she had nothing that belonged to SD and that SD has the same DVD's in her own room, its just a joke, I know thats its because they have spoilt her and she is acting like a brat, but he does not agree he says its because she is a little younger.
it feels so good to finally get some of this off of my chest, I have been simmering away like a pot of water and was searching for some help and advice on the internet when I found this site.
reading the posts on here has made me realise I am not alone and that many people men and women struggle with Step children
thanks
I know this doesn't help a
I know this doesn't help a lot, but even biological siblings can get that way toward each other and it is hard to deal with.
You seem to be doing great by trying to understand the problems and talk it through with each other, but it may not be enough to help the kids deal with their feelings about each other. Is there any way for you to afford counseling services for the family? A professional may be able to give more insight into what is going on with the kids to cause the behavior issues and how to go about fixing it.
Hi, It does help thank you,
Hi,
It does help thank you, because its pretty much the conclusion I have come too, some kind of outside no bias help is definately what we need, I have spoken to the doctor about it as its taking a toll on my health and if nothing else I just had to get it all off my chest.
I know what you mean about biological siblings my I have four of my own all together but the older two have homes and families of their own now, however when they were all younger and all four of them were at home I can remember the fights and arguments and slamming of doors now and again, but the general atmosphere of being unwelcome was not present, the feeling like someone is allways trying to get one up on the others wasnt their, my own younger too still fall out somnetimes over the simplist of things like a borrowed hairbrush or who gets to sit up front on a journey etc but on the whole 99% of the time with my own all is peaceful. I decided yesterday after chastting on here that I would reclaim my home and having just got in this evening thats exactly what I intend to do, counselling or not I am no longer going to hide upstairs while SD takes over like she was his wife and queen of the hearth in this house. It's pretty sad really when a child can get to the age of 11 and not be able to share anything, not even people, guess it was easy for mine since apart from the first they were all born into a world where they had to share me and everything else from day one