Disengaged

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Well I posted a while back that I was disengaging from my SD19, It has worked so well for a while, I stopped trying and out the blue got a text to say I make no effort, my reply was I had made a huge effort for 8 years and listed everything I had done for her, she threw back at me I make her feel awkward, the house unhomely and uncomfortable and she was angry that my DH put me first, my reply well if I make you feel like that by just being myself then it would never work and told her simply I give up and frankly didnt care anymore. now her jealousy has gone into over drive she has turned up at our house more and is trying to turn my SIL and SS17 against me. I am sick of being punished for her jealousy this girl knows no bounds. I am starting to wonder if I am worse off now as it has clearly got under her skin and it seems to be causing her to appear more. Has anyone else had a similar situation did it get better? Will she succeed in turning everyone against me?

Thanks how does it not get

Thanks how does it not get you down? It the most horrible feeling being hated and disrespected by DH family, I am an honest and friendly person who normally gets on well with everyonr. I am somewhat amazed at the hostility I have recieved for the last 8 year!

Thanks never thought of it

Thanks never thought of it that way. Will keep that in mind.

You are really doing well.

You are really doing well. Block her from texting you. All you have to do is call your provider. If you don't want to do that, forward the text to your DH and let him handle it. She sounds like a nut. I went through the 'uncomfortable' accusations for years. If you get this from DH's family ask them for specifics. Bet they can't come up with one. As ybarra wrote, stay on course, and good luck.

Yes I think I need some

Yes I think I need some lessons in disengaging as I am finding hard and take things personally. Thank you for all your advice it really helps me.

Harvey, when you realize that

Harvey, when you realize that there are evil people in the world it can be a shock. You're probably used to giving what you get, i.e. civil friendship. There are many toxic families in the world, usually revolving around a narcissist, and jealousy and control are earmarks. The secret it--it doesn't matter what you do. If they like you, they'll excuse murder. If they hate you, they'll spit on your best attempts to be loving.

There is a high price to pay to be on their good list. Basically they want power over you.

Reading about narcissists, toxic relationships, emotional blackmail and bullies can be very helpful. You will see the patterns and know--it's not you!

I went through hell after I "dared" to marry DH. His sister is a true blue narcissist and didn't like having another strong female in the family, which consists of 3 sisters and DH (his B is dead). Now they all "love" me but I continue to keep them at arm's length. I honestly don't care. It's awesome especially when we visit a couple times of year. On my way now actually.

First of all, disengaging is

First of all, disengaging is hard and doesn't happen all at once, overnight. So, don't beat yourself up that you responded. And to all the posters who want to hate on her, just stop. She's learning.

Second, SD is pissed off that her daddddyyyy puts YOU first over her? Well, waaaaah-fucking-waaaaah. He is SUPPOSED to put you first! You are his wife. The marriage comes first...all other relationships flow from the marriage.

Try not to let her get to you, which is her primary goal. Block her. Tune her out. Love your DH for putting you first.

And don't let anyone here make you feel bad because you made a mis-step. It happens. We are not perfect beings....we are human beings.

LOVE your name here, cuz

LOVE your name here, cuz yes....it IS hard. We're all just doing the best we can on any given day.

Thanks for your support and

Thanks for your support and advice, luckily my SS17 is absolutely lovely to me and we are close I am just worried she will rot my relationship with him as she seems to feel suddenly possessive over him as she is her Father, she has finally gone to a counselor since I told her I had given up maybe my disengaging has effected her and she is starting to realize that she may be missing out but after all this time I am not sure I would put myself back in harms way and try with her again. :?

I think disengaging is like a

I think disengaging is like a diet, or quitting smoking or quitting drinking. We "fall off the wagon" every once in a while and take the bait by responding to their evilness. The next day we just need to get back on the disengagement train and ride off again!

Secondly, I think most of us start doubting ourselves again that WE are the crazy ones, We are being too strict, We are being mean. (although after being here on this site, those thoughts personally come to me less and less!). So, they text us, they write us, they email us. We know we should hit the delete button or throw the letter in the trash but we are just too curious......did they finally see the light???( Ha! That will never happen .) Or....I just have to read it because it re confirms to me just how nuts they really are! It gets me all fired up and angry but it also proves to me that they are absolutely , positively nuts!!!! Maybe someday I will be able to throw the letters away without reading them. My husband does. I am just not that certain of myself yet to do it too!

The main thing is to get back on the disengagement train. It's a new day.

Lostnlove I think you leaving

Lostnlove I think you leaving the room is showing her she is top dog, stay in the room, read a book, but your ipod in your ears but do not let her push you out of your home,

Loved this. I fall off the

Loved this. I fall off the wagon from time to time too.

I am so much better at disengaging these days after a rocky start. My problem is now mainly when I also try to engage with DH about SD16. It is a waste of time.

Keep going and do truly disengage. You do get your life back and you do the whole household a massive favour because you model strong independent normal behaviour not codependent, manipulative craziness. You know what I am talking about.

"Delete" is one of the most

"Delete" is one of the most powerful tools in the disengaging toolbox. Followed closely by "block." Use in on skids, BMs, MILs, SILs, and anyone else whose impact on your life is toxic and drama-inducing. Protect your bubble by not taking phone calls, texts, emails or facebook interaction with people who only want to hurt you. We all learn by increments, you realize that responding to her texts only made YOU feel worse and HER feel powerful, and you are stronger and more able to protect yourself now. Think of it as going to karate class - you get knocked down, it hurts, but you now know better how to block the next offense, how to protect yourself against the next attack, how to fall so it hurts less, how to get up more quickly. YOU CAN DO IT!!

I like that. Block the

I like that. Block the offense.

\O/ (That's my little

*\O/* (That's my little cheerleader chanting DE-fense! DE-fense!)

Re the phone calls to SDs.

Re the phone calls to SDs. This is a topic a few other people raised on other discussions. Some DHs have secret calls with SDs from the office (one person suggested that is a bit mistressy which it sort of is). A few of us were having trouble with these secret calls. I like that at least he calls from your family home.

I advised that my rule which he broke twice was that important information, especially to do with my family or friends, must be discussed first between us before he releases it to SD16.

Maybe a ground rule like that one if that matters to you as much as it did to me. By all means then disengage. Walk away. Love it.

This disengaging is having

This disengaging is having some interesting results! SD has now gone for counselling, is being nice to me and is making an effort. Now I am confused!

Harvey, I've had to disengage

Harvey, I've had to disengage twice in the 21+ years I've been married to DH. The first time was after years of being accused of making SD 'uncomfortable' while she slammed doors in my face and was abominably abusive. At that time I did not recognize this was actually a problem with DH. After a few years DH assured me that SD would behave so I welcomed her back into our home. And there I was again, trying to get her to like me. The 'change' was short lived though. SD returned to her old self. It wound up being even worse. All I suggest is to be wary. If you decide to reengage it must be with the understanding that DH will present your relationship as united and supportive of each other. And call her on it at the first hint of bad behavior. This is the only way my SD would get a third chance - and I would not try to get her to like me.

personally I have found that

personally I have found that information is power...I would say sorry u feel that way I have worked hard to be kind and wonderful....then let them figure out what is in ur head. It might take a year or 2 for this sd to figure out u could care less..and that is a yr. or 2 of peace and happiness. I try to be nice and never say rude shit...that is their domain and I will not stoop. I make sure our kids are super nice too....they are sooo stupid they really don't know my opinion of them is that they are super slimy peeps and really do not love their wonderful dad....which we do! Its no wonder he picks us over them over and over again, we treat him well and they are a complete embarrassment...again LOL

and there was me thinking it

and there was me thinking it was going to turn out all rosey :? its like walking through a mine field. Has anyone else found disengaging did have a positive effect and the SD realised the error of her ways or am I just dreaming again! My philosophy is always treat people how you want to be treated I find it hard to ignore positive behavior from her.

When SD visited after the

When SD visited after the first round of disengaging she was pleasant for a while but I never got the impression she thought she had done anything wrong. It makes me wonder what DH actually said to her for her to return. I have a feeling it was more like, "Sandye has seen the error of her ways." SD's parents ensured her that she was the best, the smartest, the most entitled, etc. Now I know SD will never have the capacity to see my point of view or how utterly obnoxious she was. During her last last melt down I tried to point out that both parties have to take responsibility for the breakdown in communications. She replied, "No, it's all you!" It was then that I knew I was dealing with a narcissist, and nacissists NEVER see the error of their ways.

You may not be dreaming though. Everyone is an individual. There are SD's on this site who saw the light and changed the relationship they have with both DH and SM.

I am so glad Harvey that your

I am so glad Harvey that your SD is seeing a counsellor. Wish that one day mine would. MIne can be all sunshine and light too. It is confusing. Sorry for my sarcasm because I admire your better side and forgiving soul.

Good luck and watch your back.

I am so glad Harvey that your

Good luck and watch your back.

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