Good for you. Just remember that while you certainly would never mistreat your disabled husband - your comfort and convenience top his.  Take care of yourself first. 

There's strength, certitude, and a deep peace that comes from acknowledging and accepting the truth, no matter how ugly or unpalatable it may be.

I had my DH firmly ensconced on a pedestal for nearly twenty years. I adored him, and was both blind and clueless. Partly because I was working so much, and partly because I didn't want to face the huge dysfunctional elephant in our marriage.

When I disengaged, it popped the bubble of group fantasy DH's whole family participated in. And while I'm sorry for the pain it caused, I had to do it for my own mental health.

I've learned so much from you sammi, and from ST. We learn, and we move forward. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you all good things in this chapter of your life.

Sometimes when we get too far in the middle of a negative situation it is hard to see all of the clear space on the periphery.  You are a light in that clearing, who grounds us, who brings us back to reality.  There are times when I really wonder why I am still with DH, so many times when I am tempted to pack his bag and show him the door.  You have pointed out that there are other things, more practical things to think about.

We are leaving for vacation today.  We drove over to a friend's house to drop off the dogs.  They weren't home but they left the door open.  My DH started having another of his fits, blowing everything out of proportion, threatening to stay home, etc. This has occurred before just about every vacation we've been on.  I get upset and try to get him out of his funk.  He said the next vacation 'we' go on we will drive.  I informed him next time we would be going on separate vacations.  Shortly afterward, the situation was resolved and we go forward, getting beyond all of the emotional turmoil we had been experiencing just a few moments before.

My DH and I work like a team in that we both have jobs that we do around this house.  I can't imagine having all of it on  my shoulders.  Like you, most of the time I live with 'it is what it is'.  I concentrate more on what makes me happy.  Also, like you, DH can see SD just about any time he wishes - but I choose not to have her in my life.  And I look upon this as something he created.  No pity for self-inflicted wounds.

Sammigirl saw me through the worst of my total disengagement time and it was my only healthy choice. She is at such a good emotional place herself, having experienced a bit of all of it almost. I am so thankful for her mentoring and my many counselors here on ST who have coached me and continue to help me in the darker times. I am not certain I would have ever felt affirmed without you guys on ST; I thought I was hanging over this crazy family cliff all alone. Though I hate for anybody else to have to have this dynamic too, it helps me better understand me and the insanity.

I

sammi i am so glad you are having an awakening on your marriage.  it may be painful but very revealing.  hugs to you as you go forward. i appreciate all of your kind comments to me on this site.

Sammi, I am sad that your life is something you have to tolerate rather than something that you experience with enthusiasm.

It is great that you have landed on a formula that works considering all that you still have to deal with in all of this.

Take care of you.

sammi, let me say i am so happy in your moving forward.  accepting what is, even if its not what we want, is one step closer to finding peace.  we try and try and our husbands still see their children as angels.  we see how they cheat and hurt others and how they are cruel to their father.  all of my skids for got to send their father a birthday card this year.  he told them how hurt he was and they had the nerve to tell him they were busy.  as if buying and sending a card is an all day affair.