So no punishment will work. Try the final one:

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

You will be amazed at the difference in his attitude once he finds out YOU don't give a f..k.

Here's the deal, if you and your wife are not on the same page with discipline, then his behavior will not change. You need to sit down with your wife, tell her (in a nice way) that this is not working and you need to do something to change his behavior.

If you are looking for some ideas that help here are a few:
1. Structure. The more structured his day, the better. Get up at 7 - EVERY day, morning chores, school, homework, chores, not bad behavior? Great - you can go play, hang out, whatever until bed time.

2. Lay out the rules for the child ON PAPER. Have them posted in an obvious place in your house. If he breaks the rules, you systematically remove items that are of value to him.

3. When he is saying these thing, he WANTS you to get angry. DON'T. If you can remain calm, he will get more angry, but after a while, he will stop all together because he is not getting the response he wants. I suggest avoiding eye contact and even walking away from him.

The biggest thing is that both you and your wife need to do this together. Otherwise his behavior will not change.

One last note: When implementing these ideas, his behavior will get worse before it gets better. And it takes 6-8 weeks to change behavior.

I hope this helps!

I know my response is lengthy, but please read anyway. I am both a step-parent AND a parent to a teenage boy. Thus I do feel that I have something valid to contribute that you may find useful.

Here goes:

I also recommend disengaging. It sounds like you and the kid are in a cyclic battle for control. It's a battle that no one is going to win. Let his mother deal with him, because you are just going to push him further and further away. Not that the kid shouldn't have rules and shouldn't be punished, but he clearly is just going to make everyone's life a living hell when YOU do it.

For your own sanity, for the health of your marriage, and for the sake of the kid - just step back.

Step. away. from. the. kid.

He is not your kid, thus he is not your problem. You have done what you can do for him. He doesn't want it. Not from you and probably not from anyone. He IS a teenager - most of the behavior you have described is normal. This shouldn't be used as an excuse to "get away" with it, but it's time to change what you're doing to start getting some different results. Clearly what you are doing isn't working. I caution you that the more you push him, the more he is going to push back and the more extreme his behavior will become. He doesn't know what he's doing and he has no clue about the path that he's putting himself on. But you do. If you really want to help, you will find a different way of dealing with him so that you don't push him too far.

I have a 16yo son. He started really pushing against me around the age of 14. I was faced with an option: I could engage him over everything, or I could learn to pick my battles. And boy, let me tell you, I had to choose those battles wisely:

1. I stopped fighting with him over his grades and decided to let him fail. Why? Because clearly there wasn't a damn thing I could do to *make* him do his schoolwork or to give a crap about his grades. Did he fail his classes? Yes, he did. It sucked. But guess what? This year is the first time the kid is stepping up to the plate to accept responsibility for his own future and is determined to graduate from high school.

2. When he started using foul language, I simply looked at him and said, "I'm not delusional. I know that that's the type of language that you use when you are hanging out with your friends. I won't seek to control that, because I can't. How you choose to talk is how you choose to talk. However, I am your mother and I am asking you to please not use that type of language around ME, because it is not respectful or appropriate." I just left it at that. I didn't punish him, I didn't scream at him. I responded very, very mildly and did not blow it out of proportion.

Take the power out of the F-word and just leave it alone. The more you scream and throw a hissy-fit when he uses it, the more he's going to use it.

3. When my son started making questionable choices, I started talking to him like he was a "friend." I would say to him, "Ok, if you were a friend of mine, this is what I would say to that..." Then I would ask him questions about what he thinks the outcome of his choices are going to be. I tried to be mild in the conversation, the same way I would be with a friend. Sometimes I would also share times in my life when I made a similar choice and how it turned out for me.

This is important for teaching kids how to make informed decisions and to really start to THINK about what they are doing. Thus, when things don't turn out well for them - they become cognizant that life is about making informed choices. When things didn't turn out the way my son thought they would turn out, I simply asked him, "Is there anything you would different the next time you are faced with that same choice?" I never, ever said, "I told you so."

REMEMBER: experience is what teaches us how to make decisions. As much as we would like our kids to learn from our mistakes, it just doesn't work that way. It didn't work that way for you and it won't work that way for your SS.

Ok yeah, it was NOT easy for me to give over that control. HOWEVER, and this is important:

Your SS has reached the age were it is ABSOLUTELY imperative that he start to learn the art of making informed decisions. AND it is absolutely imperative that he begin to suffer NATURAL consequences for those decisions. NOTE: NATURAL CONSEQUENCES. Make sure the punishment fits the crime. Quit over-reacting trying to prove a point - the point is not being made and it is not being received. He's too old for it now.

The world and society has a way of punishing us for our choices, let him experience those. Because honestly, when he's an adult those consequences are all he's going to have to inform and guide his choices.

Now is the time to allow him to experience natural consequences while he has a soft place to fall: In your home, with the help of his parents to guide him to making better decisions in the future.

Now is the time to really prepare him for being out in the real world, on his own, and where consequences can be both severe and life altering.

My son HATED me for it. He told me that he feels like I just "let go" and that he was in a free fall. Oh boy, did he hate me for it. He had a few choice words for me along the way. I simply said, very calmly, "I can understand why you feel that way and that's the way that you see it. However, what you can't see right now is that: Me allowing you to experience the consequences for your choices WHILE YOU ARE STILL IN YOUR PARENTS HOMES is really one of the greatest acts of love I have ever done for you. You are growing up and will soon be a man - this is one of those lessons that is VITAL for manhood. Many parents don't do this for their kids, then those kids enter into the real world completely unprepared and unable. I love you too much to do that for you. I have great expectations for the type of man you will be, because I KNOW you will one day be a great man. This is just one of those moments that will mold you into being that great man."

I'll never forget the pinched look on his face and the daggers in his eyes as he looked at me.

But 2 years later (16 and a junior in high school), I see a new fire burning inside of him. He may be getting ready to step over that threshold. And he still has 2 years left before he is legally considered an adult.

Teeangers are freaking B-R-U-T-A-L creatures. They are wretched to deal with. WRETCHED.

Oh, word of warning: It will get worse before it gets better. My son is still a turd in a lot of ways. Grr.

GOOD LUCK!

. F this f that . Out right dsreectful to me and his mom. Thinks he can say things like shut up and you fat F etc to us.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That is NOT normal teenage crap. My son knows that I would take him to the ground for something like that.

I'm in it up to my eyeballs with a SD14...best of luck.

I have a 14 year old son and he use to come over to my house with his siblings, but now he stays at his dads. My fiance did everything he could to be nice to my son and be interested in his life. I feel like he did a great job, but that seemed to push my son away. He became an A** to everyone and we were all miserable when he was around. He became disrespectful to all of us. He would get up in the middle of the night and watch tv and eat once we were all asleep. I only found out because I installed a camera in the living room. Eventually he just stopped coming over. It still gets to me because he won't tell me why he won't come over, but our house and the rest of the kids are much more relaxed and happy. My other 3 love my fiance and are very respectful towards him. The only thing I can think of is that he likes living the life his dad lives. He brings my son almost everywhere with him. He also gets the run of the house when his dad isn't home. I feel that my fiance never put my son off when he asked for help, where his dad would always do so and never get things done. Maybe my son is afraid that he might actually like my fiance. Teenagers are so confusing, but nobody should have to put up with disrespect. Have you looked into where the disrespect started? Or if his father is influencing his attitude? I know my ex is doing so to my son and it drives me crazy.