Vent about BM being too hard on SD
We have SD15 and SS13 this weekend for a visit. SD is in the 10th grade and is enrolled in one AP class and 2 Pre-AP classes, she cheers on the JV squad and is in Marching Band. She is an ambassador for Cotillion, volunteers at the Children's Hospital during the summer and is a good kid. BM is very hard on her and gets downright crazy a lot of times. SD shared with me last night that she got in trouble twice this past week. She said BM is making her re-do an assignment and a quiz in math (even though the teacher says she can't), because she made an 82% on the quiz and an 83% on the assignment. BM says that anything less than an 84% on anything is not acceptable and warrants grounding and extra study time and re-doing assignments. SD has straight A's mind you. SD also says she is not going to attend the winter formal this year because she told BM she wanted to go with her friends and BM said no, not unless she has a date. On top of that, BM said she will be finding the date for SD! SD told her she didn't want a date, she just wanted to go with some friends and BM says no...so SD told her she doesn't want to go anymore and now BM is mad at her. SD is never allowed to have friends over to hang out at BM's or go anywhere with her friends. BM pretty much controls SD'd every move. SD said that BM told her it's because she does not want SD making the same mistakes BM made as a teen. SD said she told BM, "let me make my mistakes!" BM thinks she is doing SD a favor, but I am so afraid she is pushing her too hard and then never allowing her time to chill and relax. Teens need time with friends so they can just act silly and relax! It is such a challenge for me, because as a SM, my authority is so limited. DH has tried talking to BM in the past and gets nowhere. In fact, BM will ultimately just get mad at SD for telling us things. I really wish there was something I could do because I am so afraid this sweet, smart, beautiful girl is going to turn bitter and resentful and rebel. Feeling very sad today... 
I know... I worry about the
I know... I worry about the pressure becoming too much for her to handle and her possibly turning to drugs or something for comfort. And as far as the date... me too!!! I would prefer for her to go with friends as well. But then, her mother will let her go with a date that SHE chooses for her??? wow
No, not Asian... just living
No, not Asian... just living extremely vicariously through her daughter and making her miserable in the process. I might read the book though... What I really need is to figure out what I can do... Obviously, talking to BM is not an option. But what can I do to help SD find some down time? I want to make sure that SD knows she can always talk to me...maybe that will help reinforce that she is ok and maybe she won't turn to anything extreme to find relief
I agree that her daughter
I agree that her daughter should redo the assignments -- primarily because she needs to master the material and it will likely be on the final.
For the rest of it, she is very strict. Do you and DH live close enough that she can invite friends to hang out with her when she is with you?
yes we do and we always allow
yes we do and we always allow it at our house. in fact, she is hanging with friends as i type
she has even said, "I love being here because I can be a normal teenager"! she has an A in math... in Pre-AP Algebra II. That is why I disagree with re-doing the assignments. It is making her feel like she is never good enough 
breaks my heart
How does this BM not warrant
How does this BM not warrant complaint? She's simply on the opposite side of the crazy spectrum. She is overbearing and I personally see this as it's own form of abuse. OP is worried about her Sd's mental well being. How is that wrong? And she is NOT PASing her SD give me a break. Her SD is the one that has realized her mother is a nutcase all on her own.
At no point have I EVER PAS'd
At no point have I EVER PAS'd BM!!! I do not nor would I ever talk negatively about their mother to them. And to tell me to "stay out of that woman's house" is a complete insult... because I do mind my own business! I am simply expressing my concern for SD because I care deeply about her and I am afraid that this is damaging her self-esteem, and mental health. Please read my full post before commenting... you have completely misunderstood and insulted me Sueu2
Is it not okay to simply be concerned?
ok... please tell me what I
ok... please tell me what I am doing to undermine BM... I am feeling very judged and attacked by you Sueu2... so please say what it is exactly I have done to undermine BM...
again... where did you get
again... where did you get the idea I have ever bad mouthed her mother to SD???
Hrm . . . I'm with OP's BM on
Hrm . . . I'm with OP's BM on the grades, and can at least understand where she's coming from on the dance.
I do the same with my daughter and HW/tests, but my cut-off is 90%. I make an exception for math because she struggles with it so much, but even then my cut off is 80%. My daughter is very lucky this year in that she likes her teacher, and her teacher is a good teacher. So far, all she's gotten are As and high Bs; granted, we're not a full month into the school year yet. Also, having to re-do an assignment or test you don't understand is hardly "getting in trouble;" if you performed poorly on a test in college, did you just shrug and move forward? More likely, you went back and re-did the assignments, re-read the chapter(s)/notes, got some tutoring, or some combination there-of because you understand that at the college level, information builds on itself, and a strong understanding is necessary to successfully move forward. AP stands for Advanced Placement - they are college credit courses. Students are permitted to take them in high school, but it is still college level material. Perhaps if SD is struggling so much, she should drop cheer or band? Or quit 2 of the 3 clubs?
As for the dance, dances aren't necessary. Going with friends may equal meeting up w/ boys = trouble. Going w/ a date of SD's choosing could = trouble. Going with nerdy cousin Winslow? Guranteed good behavior. I wouldn't do this to my own DD unless she'd proven untrustworthy, but I do at least understand where the woman's coming from.
I understand grades are
I understand grades are important and I stress good grades with my three children as well. I just feel that poor SD is so overscheduled and is being pushed so hard that she is not getting a chance to be a kid. BM will not allow her to quit anything she is in (cheer, band, clubs, etc). And BM has pushed her to be in all of those as well. SD has been telling us for two years she doesn't want to do cheer anymore, but her mom is making her. I just feel bad for her that she doesn't seem to have any choice or say so in her life at all... and as far as the dance, my point with that was more that SD doesn't get to enjoy the fun stuff which would at least offer a little relief from the high pressure of her everyday life. She has always chosen good friends and shown to be responsible in social settings... she is an ambassador for cotillion, so that should count for her earning at least some trust, right? If she wants to go with friends, I don't see the problem in that. I have not expressed this to SD as I will not bad mouth or undermine her mother to her (just need to clarify so I don't continue to be attacked by other posters).
The woman is living
The woman is living vicariously through her child. Living the things she missed. Since she has custody there is little to be done except commisurate. Or Daddy can ask for custody. She's old enough that the court may give her opinion weight especially if she does not lament her "evil mother".
Of course Mommy will scream and fight tooth and nail.