SD14 being rude and disrespectful!!!!
Hi. I am new to this, but I am in need of some kind of "therapy" (if you will). I need to validation or advice on my issues.
I have been married to my husband for 2 1/2 yrs but we have been together for 6 yrs. I have known his daughter the whole time. He has primary joint custody. Anyway, I have 2 daughters 15 and 9 and for the most part they all get along. The issue is, anytime my husband and I have a "family meeting" to discuss how things are going, SD14 feels she needs to justify or rebuttal to all I have to say (w/ attitude "neck roll" in all). I find it very rude and disrespectful. She has raised her voice to me once before and her dad grounded her. He trusts my judgment in what and how I talk to SD14 and allows me to correct or stop her when this happens. SDs BM doesnt help either, she tells her daughter that I need to give SD14 respect BEFORE SD gives me respect. Now the way I see it is, SD is 14 yrs old, lives under MY roof ( I have had my home 10 yrs prior to meeting my husband)I am helping care for her physically, financially and emotionally!!! My own kids dont even think t rebuttal to anything I say, because they have learned the hard way! SD lives with us because her mom is a deadbeat mom, doesnt have a stable home, no job, no stable relationship, and has a BAD attitude and under minds all our rules, expectations and requirements! Now SD has ALL she needs and wants with us, but then goes to her moms every other weekend and gets to do WHATEVER AND I MEAN WHATEVER she wants with her mom (she has her cake and eats it too).
I am at the point where sometimes I think about a divorce because this has become so stressful. What should my role be towards SD???? Please any advice will be helpful!
Well, if you consider her
Well, if you consider her mom, is it any wonder that she is acting this way? It isn't because she is a step, it isn't because you are doing anything wrong, it is because she has been brought up this way. Part of it is that some kids are just that way, and then coupled with a parent who allows it instead of nipping it early on is just a double whammy. I would just be honest with her and tell her what she is doing and that you want to help her with it. Help her come up with a way of getting rid of the behavior (define the behavior with her) when she comes back to you. Do you know Wayne and Garth from Wayne's World? They would do that funny noise and do the fingers down like rain...that is always my "clear and do over" sign. She needs to have a "clear" activity that reminds her that the behavior she may be seeing/emulating from her mom is not okay when she is in your home. It is a way of telling her she is "doing it again" without saying it or nagging. I do silly things with my kids all the time. They usually end up laughing, but they correct the behavior. If you keep it light, she will be more receptive to your correction, which you should emphasize is to help her.
Smartone, I may have to use
Smartone, I may have to use the "do-over" myself. Thanks.
Yellowtx- Like Smartone said- to keep it light- When SD14 starts with the "neck-roll" business, ask her if her head is too heavy, or if she has a problem with her neck. }:)
"She has raised her voice to me once before and her dad grounded her. He trusts my judgment in what and how I talk to SD14 and allows me to correct or stop her when this happens."
This says to me, DH needs to nip her behavior in the bud. Letting you do it just tells her DH is ok with this. I'd look at him & wait for him to address the disrespect before continuing to speak.
SD14 needs to be taught about being "Assertive" as opposed to "Aggressive"
I must add, if this child has only yelled @ you once in 6 years, you're doing pretty good!
Smartone, thank you for that
Smartone, thank you for that advice...I am definitely going to try it
DH and I remind her of her behavior and stating that it is unnecessary. She does talk to MY oldest and tells her that SHE (SD) "isn't going to let ANYONE talk to her like "that""....really?!?! Maybe I need to go about pointing her negativity out another way....like you said Smartone.
DH did lose her for about 3 years (because SD wanted to live with BM)and SD lived with BM during that time, of course it was between 11 and 13 years of age. I have come to the conclusion; during the ages of about 2-7/8 you teach a child how to share, be nice and clean up after themselves. About 9-13/14 you really begin to instill in them respect, obedience, and responsibility. And 15-18 accountability, real consequences, work ethic, money management, time management and all the other expectations of adulthood. Obviously that pivotal time of teaching respect and obedience is where DH and I missed out.
IrionRose, you are right, DH and I are working on him being a little more snappy on correcting her behavior. SD is DH only child (BM when talking crap always seems to remind FB world and me of it).
OMG. I totally understand
OMG. I totally understand how you feel. Sounds like you're living in my house with my bratty-ass step shit age 17. Hang in there. I think you'll enjoy this forum. It has helped me many times reading everybody's posts.
I like that your husband
I like that your husband stands up for you. You are lucky. I had to more or less beg mine to. So demeaning. SD16 is never going to be on board with me and basically creates as much trouble as she can. Secret chats with daddy. Calls to daddy at work. Dobbing on me. She must sense that there is a gap. Yours is just trying her last avenue. Have you considered asking her what is stuck in her eye. That worked for me once. I also say "are you not feeling well. You have a funny look on your face."
I'm in love with your DH! He
I'm in love with your DH! He stands up for you. Yippeeee there are men out there who do? My DH would make me do the apologizing first to his DD when she would mouth off at me. My SD is 18 and is still mouthy. Her father see's it like she should speak how she wants but I have to be super nice to her. Like DUH!!! NOOOOO WAY!!! My house, my bills, I pay them, if she don't like it she can leave. She's leaving. She's going into the army this month and I pray she gets an earful of how her disrespect will not be tolerated by the army. LOL. I'd love to be a fly on the wall. I'm so glad your DH stood up for you.
Kids learn that from the other parent unfortunately. I always keep my tone low and quiet when I talk to SD but she needs to yell, show her eyes up, roll her head, etc at me. I'm so over it. I'm glad she's going. She's already gone in a way cause she's over at her HS's house then leaving directly to the army from there. Yippeeee! NO more dealing with her. Maybe if/when she comes to visit she'll have more respect but I won't hold my breath! I'll just pray otherwise she's not welcome in the home. I've told DH that and he understands how I feel. He's not happy with her either, but since we got her later in life (when she was 16) due to her mother's passing, she was already badly ingrained with bad habits and nasty ideas about us. Just things we couldn't overcome in 2 1/2 years time. Too bad for this kid though. She could have had a great life if her mom would have been there for her and not kept this kid on med's that weren't needed. Another long story. Anyway, congrats on your DH keeping up with you. I applaud him. I pray things go well for you all.