Children need a happy home. Being in a home with a happy single parent is far, far better than being in a miserable unhappy home with both parents.

Children learn what they see, you and your husband are showing your children how relationships work. Are you giving them a good example. If you think your husband is being "weird" with you, then your children will be sensing it too.

Staying for the sake of the kids never works. You destroy your life, your partner destroys his life, and the two of you do not give your children the best possible start in life. Both of you will tend to be too focussed on the kids, this happens because the love you and your husband should be giving each other, you both give fully to the kids, the kids then get an overinflated sense of their own importance.

I left when my chidren were 2, 6 and almost 8. I remained single for years (and years), my kids were happy well adjusted kids who grew up in a single parent home. Their father decided visitation was all to hard, and child support, well that wasn't going to happen. I never ever said a bad word about him (thought plenty, but never said any), I never told them what my financial situation was. They didn't have a lot of things as kids, but they had a lot of love and a lot of discipline. None of them were ever unemployed, one is a teacher, one is a cabint maker and joiner, and the other one is in HR.

My DH told me he had never really loved his ex wife, but he stayed in the marriage for his kids. He didn't leave till 2 of them were finished school and the youngest almost finished. He and his ex wife really didn't like each other, let alone love each other, but apparently the two of them had made the decision to stay together for the kids.

His kids are horrible, they are incapable of living on their own, they have gone into poor relationships, and they have a shocking sense of entitlement. And this is cutting it short. I could go on and on about the developmental issues his adult children have.

One of the biggest problems I think is if you stay till they are grown, they are less likely to accept a new partner in your life. By then it appears you have taught them they are so, so specail to you. They cannot then turn around and accept you having someone else in your life.

It is fine for you to stick at it for better or worse - however, once you bring children into your relationship, do you really think it is in their best intrests to make them stick at it through the worst. They deserve two happy parents, and if that means these parents live in two seperate houses then so be it.

My kids were actually happy after my divorce, they stated that it was calmer and less tense without there dad here and us fighting. Really after 6 months without their dad here their behavior was better they were happier, it was better for them than all of the stress and tip toeing around their dads temper. I'm glad I left him it was toxic and everyone was miserable he treated me terribly, and the kids too.
Never stay "for the kids" your really not doing them a favor they learn how people behave and how relationships work by what they see and honestly if you don't act like a crazy BM divorce can be better than a miserable marriage for you and for the kids.

I don't regret my divorce. My younger daughter doesn't remember a lot of the fighting but my older one does and both have adjusted well because now there's less stress in the home. In fact, their dad spends more quality time with them now that we're divorced than when we were together.

One of my co-workers told me that her parents stayed together until she and her sister were in college. She said she wished that her parents had gotten divorce sooner because her mother turned into a bitter women.

My moms regret about the divorce with my dad, was that she didn't do it sooner.

My kids have a better future because I divorced their father. He is just.not.right. It was not something I ever wanted for my kids. My own parents are still married. But while I have amazing kids, I chose the wrong man to have them with. All you can do is move forward and do the best you can!

It seems pretty clear from the posts that staying together for the sake of the kids is a bad idea.

I made the decision to leave and it was hard and scary. I struggled enormously but I never regretted for one second my decision. I think it takes a lot of courage.

I have always thought people who say they are staying for the sake if the kids were not only lying to others but they were lying to themselves. I think they stayed because they were to afraid to make the move so they used the kids as an excuse. If they really were concerned about the welfare and well being of their kids they would never allow them to grow up in an unhappy home. Kids brought up in an unhappy home were the parents are either fighting all the time or are cold with each other, really do suffer long term emotional damage. They are constantly on edge and never ever really feel secure.

Just my thoughts on it as a product of fighting parents and as a mother who left and brought up 3 happy now married with families of their own kids.

That's a fair comment. Fortunately men who put vagina before kids are usually the first to stop contact with them as kids cramp their style.

I stayed, years beyond what I should have. Were some of my fears realized when I left? Absolutely. I have no control and am not able to protect my boys the way I could before (in that home). BUT the only thing I would change is leaving sooner. My boys deserved to see that the situation was wrong way earlier in life and that I did not condone any of it. My youngest son sees now how men and women (and kids) SHOULD interact. My oldest hates me because he believes the nonsense my ex says. It is a difficult road no matter when it is taken. Sometimes trying to do the right thing results in broken relationships that were once strong. Casualties happen when it becomes a war. And some battles are lost. But I continue to fight for them, even when they don't know it. It may not be easy, but it is damn well worth it. They had no parents when I was married to their father. I can at least say I do everything I can to be the best mom possible whether they let me or not now and at least they have one parent now.

AngeLily, I think the problem in staying is that the kids do get a skewed concept of things. If they are little when you leave then they do seem to pick up very quickly who the stable parent is, and where they are better off. My ex gave my kids an earful about me. The two year old at the time asked me once what a hawk was. Took me quite a while to figure out she meant a whore. He used to tell my kids I would run off and leave them as I had left him.

Odd why I left that man to hear the way he told it to the kids, he was just the best husband ever. Silly me.

It took almost a year for him to stop seeing the kids, he only stuck it out that long because he had told me himself that he would make those kids hate me.

What the kids learnt very quickly was that mum was happy and calm and never screaming or calling daddy bad names, and daddy was always off on some tangent or other about their mum. Also daddy's idea of a good day out was to take them to the pub.

Was I terrified for my kids for those few months, absolutely. Am I glad I left when I did absolutely. The kids are all grown now and happily married. They were far better at choosing partners than I ever was.

In his own way my ex did teach his kids something. He taught them not to go out and marry a man like their father. That was the best thing he ever did for those kids.

Little kids need lots of love and hugs and attention, they need their questions answered honestly and appropriately for their age level. They need boundaries and structure and continuety. Big kids, well I don't think you can win there. The mud always seem to stick.

I have seen this from both sides and the ones who seem to always have trouble for years and years are the ones who stayed for the kids until the kids were older. The older they are the more they realise how much their world has been pulled out from underneath them, it may not have been the best possible world for them to be in, but it was their world, it was what they knew, it was home. They get angry that that has been taken from them. They hate having their friends know their parents have split up, although that is becoming more and more common these days, but they still don't like it. Whereas little kids as I said are happy with a stable parent, that parent is their home.

I have noticed too, that they seem to blame the mother. If you leave, it's your fault because you left, if your husband leaves you, well it's your fault, you made him leave.

Little kids don't really have that anger and hate in them, they are basically too selfish and too full of themselves to be mad, they are just too busy getting their needs met. Just as it should be. The parent who meets their needs is the parent they will want to be with. If they get that from both parents, great, but they are more than happy if they only get it from one. Just so long as they get it.

EBU.that is it exactly. I stayed out of fear. "Staying for the kids" isn't for them. I'm sure I'll offend someone by my view on this, but using that reason bothers me greatly. Because I used that reason. Boiled down, I stayed because I believed my ex and was terrified I really COULDN'T do it on my own and he really would make the kids hate me. I did not do them any favors by staying. It was fear. The best thing I did was leave, whether they choose to believe it or not. I had to decide that if I taught them nothing else, it would be, the way we lived was NOT okay. Waiting, continuing to pretend we were a big happy family, only prolonged the pain. I SHOULD. Have left when I knew it wasn't ever going to change and encourage anyone to do the same. I want my kids to know yes people can have problems with marriage but living in misery helps no one.

I think everyone who uses the I'm staying for the kids line is actually not. If they really examined it, the answer would be the same as yours. I'm staying because I am afraid he will make them hate me, I'm frightened he won't look after them as I do etc but fear is the overriding reason. Fear cripples us and stops us from making good decisions.

The night I walked out my DHs last words were. You'll be back you won't have any money you won't manage without me. I hesitated at that doorstep for a breath then walked. God it was hard but it was the best thing I ever did for my kids and myself

I fully understand the fears, I'm glad that I left in spite if the fears. None of the things I was terrified ever happened anyway.

Blame3zone...your posts are wise, thanks for you input on mine...but how do you know enough is enough..you quoted above "Sometimes, I feel I can't go on, but invariably I get a beautiful moment where it is all perfect and I am so grateful I stayed". I feel like that also, but the bad and the ugly is heavy on the scale. When does a person say enough is enough and worry about their own sanity even when you know its going to hurt the man you married.

We all know when enough is enough. If you have to ask the question, you haven't had a gutful of it yet. One day you will, and you will just say enough is enough. When that time comes you'll know it. It is different things for different people, it is a different length of time for diffent people, but when enough is enough for you, you'll know it.