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Sorry if this is long but will try to be concise and hope to get some helpful feedback. I married last year after raising my son on my own with zero contact from the other side. he was 18 when I married and had just graduated Valedictorian and is a great kid (yes I am biased; but having him fairly young and raising him alone we are pretty close and I am very blessed). he is now away at college. My husband, who was my best friend for a few years prior to our dating, is divorced and when we married his sone was 8. We have him every other weekend and he take him to dinner one night midweek. He has guilt over not seeing him full time, yet when he is over he doesn't spend quality time with him. His son is glued to video games or cartoons and we/they never go anywhere. Hubby says he doesn't want to force him to do things because he only has him a short time; but it's not even bonding time and to be honest, my husband really seems to resent not being able to go do things when his son is there. tThis child is now basically calling the shots on how those weekends are spent because he refuses to leave the house. On top of it; if he loses a game he pitches a fit; I can not discipline or even comment on anything because he "doesn't handle criticism from more than one person well"-husband told me and it is obvious- but he doesn't get any discipline from my husband so essentially he receives none when with us. He uses words like "stupid" and "shut up" and is disrespectful. I am trying to avoid falling into the comparison trap; but at that age my son was more independent and played sports on teams.. His son doesn't play any sports because he cannot handle not being the best at something (he will often tell tales saying he is smartest, fastest, best etc at something) or risk being yelled at by a coach. In fact, he didn't even learn to ride a bike without training wheels until a few weeks ago (he is 9) and it was only beacuse he was offered $20 to try (by his father)and paid for each loop he made in the parking lot. His father and mother also think it is OK to miss school to just hang out- my husband took a personal day and is keeping him home from school to extend their weekend. I raised my son to know that school was not "optional" and it was to valued. Am I horrible??? His son leaves candy wrappers everywhere and at 9; my husband still gives him a bath- which puzzles me. I know I was very defensive about how I raised my child and I am not even claiming I did it well; but I did do it differenr than how I see hsi son being raised. Honestly this is affecting my feelings toward them both and I don't know what to do

It sounds like you are in a

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation. How is this different from when you were dating? Do you ever plan outings for the family when he is visiting? When we know we are going to have the girls we plan a day of hiking, crafting, or some other group activity for one day. The rest of the time is not as structured as my husband is only home 3 days a week, he has to get a lot accomplished in a short time.

Thanks for posting; when we

Thanks for posting; when we dated I initiated activities etc. and often his son would be bored and ask to go home after a short while. They would come over and his would play his video game while we visisted. My son gave him his old monopoly game and we started to enjoy that as a family; until it became an issue if his son didn't win. He didn't want to play is he was unable to win and I don't believe in letting the kids win all the time. I believe is teaching good sportsmanship. We did enjoy ice skatuing as a family but then his son wil get frustrated when he is not as good (my son and to play hockey so skating is natural) and his son would say things like "I'm as good as John right?" and I'd say he could be with practice then it goes downhill. But more often than not he just wast to stay home in sweatpants going from his xbox in his rom to standing less than a foot away from the living room TV blaring cartoons-- with BOTH on at same time. and that is fine with my husband. And after being asked 3 times to not be so close to the TV, he said "WHY do you have to keep saying that to me!!" and goes to his room.
To me, that is not OK at all.

sorry for the typos

I dont know what to tell

I dont know what to tell you-other than how he is "raising" this child is not normal. He is in fact, not parenting, nor raising anyone. Sounds like he is entertaining him or is allowing electronics/media to entertain him. Does he not want to raise a independent contributing member of society? If this is his long range goal then he needs to keep it in mind and make sure the steps he makes support that goal. Why on earth is he giving the kid a bath at age 9?

THANK YOU! I came for help

THANK YOU! I came for help but it is alos good to have some validation because I feel like such a mean grinch for how I feel most of the time and it is really affecting how I feel toward my husband.

I know it would be hard, but

I know it would be hard, but I would have to plan outings of my own when his weekends rolled around. It would be things that my husband would enjoy; paint ball, trout fishing, and rock wall climbing. It seems funny for a girl to do those things, but I too raised a boy by myself. I did them all. Its funny how when the man wants to go and enjoy himself, and I assume yours does as you say he seems resentful, how quickly the childs desires to watch TV go right out the window. Distance yourself. Oh, and remember his actions and how he turns out is not a reflection on you, you are "just the step-parent". I keep trying to assess every situation and think "Is this more important than my marriage", more often than not it isn't. I would turn off the TV if it annoys me. It is my house and they have one in the bedroom. If he wants to vegitate in the bedroom, let him. Less stress on you, or leave so you don't have to watch it. So he thinks he is better than he is at most things (this is how narracisstic personality disorder begins), just remain quiet. Or refer his questions to his dad. Eventually your husband will see for himself. The only thing I will not tolerate is to feel disrespected in my home. I call them out and deal with it, but generally they are very respectful and their father is very involved so that it is usually not an issue. Good luck!!

I'm like you--I was a late

I'm like you--I was a late comer into my relationship with DH. By the time I met DH, my only daughter was 18 and on her own. However, DH had a 5 yr old. That was (and still is) very upsetting to me that I didn't bring young kids into our marriage but DH did. I was upset that I already went through the pains & sacrifices of child-raising, only to meet a man with a very young kid and start it all over again!

Have you felt that you met your husband at the wrong time in life?

Yes Frustr8d1... YES I DO and

Yes Frustr8d1... YES I DO
and thank you all for the feedback, I am incredibly grateful.
I do distance myself and make my own plans on hsi weekends, but he (husband) then complains he misses me and (he is quite antisocial) already seems to hate when I do things with friends.

Sadly I think GivingTree may be right

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