thoughts on telling a child they will be able to decide who to live with once they hit a certain age
Apparently my SD11's bm told her in front of a group of neighborhood friends of SD's that they were just waiting for SD to turn 12 so she can tell the judge she wants to live over there. (SD lives with BD and me). 1. Why tell your child that? 2. Why let other kids knows about private details like custody? 3. In our state there is no age to tell the judge who you want to live with. The only age thing is there is a time when kids can be interviewed by the judge in chambers but that's not necessarily to say who they want to live with, just to get the kids testimony about the households. And even after that the judge still has to decide which is the best situation for the kids. Personally, why put your kid in that position? A child is not mentally capable of understanding such complex things as custody and best interests. A child going through puberty & teeneage years is going to want the party/ no rules house, not the home that is actally going to push them to be the best adults they can be.
Err.
I had this conversation with
I had this conversation with my then BF at the time who was telling his son basically the same thing. I think it's like an urban myth gone seriously wrong.
You are right that a child should not be put in the position of making a decision like this and BM should not be telling SD this.
Maybe your DH/SO should talk to SD and explain to her the truth so SD does not get her hopes up. He could even look up an attorney's blog about it and show her.
Once we heard this we had a
Once we heard this we had a gentle discussion with SD during our normal bedtime routine. DH did a great job putting it gently as to calm her anxiety about feeling like she was in this ultimate choice position. He basically said that as you get older and older your opinion will count more and more but if you feel like you're pressured or it makes you anxious then you don't have to say anything about anyone to anyone. He also tried to explain why we expect a lot out of her and try to teach her how to care for herself be responsible, etc. Even got into an analogy of raising kids to become great adults is like turning a piece of ordinary coal into a diamond. I think she understood that as much as an 11 y.o. can. I was very proud of DH for the way he spoke to her without making BM seem like an awful person. He is great at that.
That was great DH explained
That was great DH explained it without making BM into an evil person.
I like the analogy of turning coal into diamond!
I LOVE the coal in to a
I LOVE the coal in to a diamond analogy. I am going to have to steal that1 Thank your DH for me
In our state it's still up to
In our state it's still up to the judge to decide what the best environment is. Why put the kid in the middle? If you feel like the other parent is not fit, go to court, take your proof and that's that. Even if a parent is unfit it is still not the child's place to have to be a whistle blower on someone they have inate loyalties to is wrong. period. in my opinion anyway. And in our state yes, the judge can interview the child in his chambers after a certain age but that doesn't mean the judge will ask who the child prefers to live with, it's just another testimony to add to the mom's and dad's. So making the child falsely believe they have all this power (and mind you responsibility) over the orders is unneccessary and stressful for any kid. I as a grown adult HATE choosing which family members to go to for the holidays, I can't imagine the pressure a child would feel over choosing which parent be the winner/ loser (which is how its going to feel to them) on the primary parent thing.
^^^^^^THIS ^^^^^^ Good point
^^^^^^THIS ^^^^^^
Good point and even better advice than what I gave.
Same advice for you - google
Same advice for you - google "at what age can a child decide custody" and look at any attorney blogs that show up for your state.
Something like this:
http://www.lawqa.com/qa/how-old-does-child-have-to-be-to-pick-parent-he-...
Show them straight from the horse's mouth - so to speak. But for a 7 year old it may be a difficult concept for him to understand.
Most states say the same
Most states say the same thing, that the judge will "take into consideration" what the kid wants, but ultimately they will place them wherever they feel the childs best interests are...that being said I still know people who shouldn't have their kids with them that do. My XH is famous for the "you can decide at 12" speech and even better at the "there's is nothing she can do to make you go back" one as well. It is awesome to give kids so much power. But from my experience it is all about being liked best. Mom says no you need to follow all the rules including a judges order and Dad says his rules are all that matter. He who yells loudest and pitches the biggest fit usually wins. Some things never change...
When my SD was 12 she told
When my SD was 12 she told her BM that she thought maybe she'd like to live with us. I don't know if SD was trying to manipulate BM or just made an innocent remark. We never talked about that with SD, didn't put her up to it or even know she said anything. One day BM called up completely freaking out and raging like an angry walrus :smile:, threatening us for trying to take her only child away from her. We were bewildered and told her we didn't know what she was talking about. She called us every name in the book, liar, etc. Then she threatened to sue us (she loved to threaten to sue people) and charge more child support. Then she hung up on DH (BM loved to call, rage and hang up on people). From then on, BM played nothing but nasty games and interferred in DH's relationship with SD and PAS'd even more than she had before. And she tried to blame me for putting SD up to it (I didn't even know SD had thought about it). Whenever BM raged like that (and she did it a lot), SD would tell her anything or go along with anything just to placate her. Whenever DH tried to discuss it with BM, the first words out of her mouth was that he could be paying more child support. That was always her threat-that and how she was going to move somewhere with SD and not let DH know where. Looking back, I wish she had moved to a hidden location.
Skids learn how to play parents aginst each other, this is just one of the games they learn to play. "If I can't have my way here, I'll go live with my other parent". It shouldn't be allowed. Nobody does these kids any favors by playing along. My SD is dishonest, untrustworthy and manipulative, she learned how by playing these games against her parents. There would be a big violent outburst from BM, then BM would buy SD a bunch of stuff to keep her there. It hasn't helped SD in her life, not at all.
I hear ya- we never said
I hear ya- we never said anything to BM about the incident. If anything it would be a general statement saying, "please don't talk to SD or her friends about adult issues like court orders and living arragnements" or something to that extent and leave it at that.We try super hard to go above and beyond to make sure Sd doesn't feel about any situation or feel like she has to choose or tell us everything about her BM and SD. If she brings up stuff, fine share but we don't pry. BM on the other hand totally differnt. Mutual acquaitnaces tell me she is a Disney mom lol.