I think some of what you are feeling is perfectly normal. It's good that you are being honest with your emotions and recognize where your reasoning may or may not be flawed - and what your ultimate decision might need to be.

Don't know how old you are or how long you've been together. I do not have my own kids but my SO has two. I do feel the same way - he had his kids with the BM but we will never share that experience together. One time, we even cried about it a bit because we both know that we would have been a much better parenting team.

Honestly, there is also a bit of resentment, like you have. But I recognize it's an unreasonable resentment because no one can guess about the unknown. And I do my best to correct myself and put those emotions aside. Now that we are older, it's really all a moot point so I don't dwell on it anymore.

If you love this woman, don't finger point - including what she may or may not have done with her body. If you are coming at her from these kind of angles, it's not going to bode well for your relationship. Even if your SO did not have her daughter, there is still the possibility either of you may not have been able to have children to full term.

Try to hang on to the positive and not hold it against the child. As you say, just keep looking at the "beautiful girl" and hopefully keep or develop a loving relationship with her as best you can.

If you can honestly say that won't be enough for you, and you know you will continue to harbor these resentments about not having your own biological child, then you might want to consider moving on rather than damage this woman (and her daughter) further, with your hidden resentments which will only turn into anger.

Of course, you may move on to someone else and then find out they can't have children. Or maybe something happens to YOU and you can't have them. Life can be ironic that way ...

So sorry for what you are going through and I sort of relate with you. My DH has 2 kids and I do not have any of my own. He too is fixed which I entered the picture with knowing this. Considering a reversal a have considered finding a donor so I relate with your longing for one of your own.

I think there are a couple of ways you can look at it based on your situation. I'm assuming that you are a young couple and it can feel like a long road. I'm hearing anger you have with her, is she aware of it? Are you still having a lack of communication with her? Do either of you go to counseling?

Well as for being a step parent, yea I think it can be a real challenge at times. There are some emotions you learn to over come and others that can be a deal breaker.

Entirely different situation but I just posted when you did (when do you know you've had enough) had one bio child who is my everything and a stepson that my DH seems to think is EVERYTHING to EVERYONE. I feel for you as we are both in dire pain right now due to the basic biological need to reproduce. I wanted another child so badly and when I started talking about it when our baby was about 2, he said,"We are done, we have two." HELL NO-"You have two, I have one and a half." I ended up getting pregnant, he wasn't happy and I ended up having a bad miscarriage that I mourned alone, my husband would never admit it but he was glad when I lost it. I feel your pain and if you read my post, you will feel mine too. Now I had to have a hysterectomy due to the miscarriage and other physical issues and I am bitter about that to no end.

Good luck and never give up on your dream of having your OWN child.

I am a stepparent who always wanted children but will never have my own.

However, I understood that this was the case before I married my DH. He had a vasectomy after SD was born. BM was not in the picture when DH & I met, so obviously he/we had his kids full-time for the first few years we were together.

His kids were desperate for a mother-figure, & I was able to love them enough to feel satisfied with them filling my desire for children. I genuinely love them & take no issue with sacrificing time or money to help them find success & happiness.

BM came back & the kids wanted her. We went from 2 full-time children to no children...just like that. We've experienced alienation & have spent the last couple of years trying to begin a healing process.

I hate BM for what she's done to our relationships with the kids she walked away from. I hate her for creating a situation I was willing & happy to accept to be with my DH & his kids & then coming back bitter because I was doing what she should've been doing for her children.

In the beginning, I felt like maybe I was cut out to be a mother-figure for children who's mother didn't love them enough to be there. Watching my DH struggle with the hurt & rejection from his kids when they got their mother back, I decided maybe my purpose was to be his support through these difficult years.

I don't regret my marriage. I can't imagine being so happy with anyone other than my DH. Our relationship is solid. He's not a guilty parent, so his children don't interfere in our marriage. The way I see it, there are any number of men I could have children with, but how many men could I experience the real friendship, the genuine love, & the peace with the way I do with my DH? IMO, having that is more important than having children who will grow up & leave me to make lives & families of their own anyway.

Recognize that the decisions your SO made (failing to get tested when she should have) were choices she made before you. They were choices that had nothing to do with you. When she had her daughter, it isn't like she was choosing between the father & you to have a child with & chose the father. It isn't something she did against you. Don't make it personal.

It isn't selfish of you to want children of your own. If that's something you're going to resent her for for the rest of your life, leave her & find someone else. It certainly isn't fair to you, her, or her child for you to stay with her if this is going to be looming overhead & be a source of contention for you. It's something you need to either come to terms with & determine that you will accept it & move forward or determine that you cannot accept it & find someone else you can have children with. Regardless, it isn't fair to blame her for it. It's a medical issue that she can't change.

You're entitled to your feelings, & you owe it to yourself...above anybody else...to be true to them. You just have to decide what your priorities are & make the choices that will help you reach them.

I really liked the advice from 2Tired4Drama.

Do hope that you both end up being able to have a child and it will be a big decision for you if she is not able to. If she can't but you stay together, remaining pointing fingers will only be destructive on your relationship. I would ask myself "If I have to pick having my wife with her child, a family of my own only it would be with another woman, or just a child of my own, which choice do I think that I would be most happiest with and I have to pick one?" You deserve to find and have inner happiness and that is not being selfish.

A big hug John. I've been there. It is a really dark, ugly place to watch the person you love get to be a parent while you hang in the background. Yes, you get some of parenting role, but you don't get the good stuff. My dh and I lost a baby when my sd was 5. It was like living in hell. It magnified my grief 1000 times to still have to offer a Christmas for a child or to watch my dh get the love of his child and I had nothing.

We recently adopted a baby. We've had him since the minute he was born and he is MY child. Don't let biology hang you up. Consider adopting if it is an option. It isn't about biology. It is about bonding and about a child being yours and you being the daddy. A step child is not the same.

I would never be with someone who has kids if I was not able to have a child with them (unless I already had my own and was done). I don't have any kids of my own and DH has 1. We want to have children together, but if for some reason we were not able to, I would not want to continue the relationship-- even if it was ME who couldn't have kids-- I would not want to raise someone else's kids if I couldn't have my own.

So, for those who would refuse to stay with someone because they couldn't have kids with you, if you believed you could have children with & then discovered it wasn't possible, you would divorce them & go find someone else you might be able to have kids with?

I'm not saying you'd be wrong, & I'm not suggesting you should stay in a relationship/marriage you're not happy in. I certainly wouldn't want someone to stay with me out of guilt.

It just seems kind of flaky to me. I marry someone "For better or worse" & when the "worse" hits I bail?

I guess it seems strange to have a relationship based on the ability to make babies rather than basing it on the relationship between the man & the woman.

I realize it sounds judgey, & I do believe we owe ourselves happiness. I guess I just don't understand.

I've been in this situation. I hate to see you going through it, but it is refreshing to see someone else going through it too. My DH had a vasectomy at a very young age. 21 years old that his ex wife pushed him into. When we first got together he let me know and said he would be open to getting a reversal. I was 30 and ready to have kids at that point and he had two with her very young and accidentally somehow he claims. But, we got his reversal done and it didn't work. There were many many months of resentment towards him. I even was to the point I justified cheating on him to have a child, but I never did do it. I just thought I would if that is what it took to have a baby. Afterall, he was given that ability to have children and why should I pay the price or suffer because of his bad decision for a vasectomy. He actually began resenting his own kids because he couldn't have anymore with the woman he loved. It was an awful heartbreaking time of our lives. Eventually I did get pregnant, but I will never forget how hard it was and the feeling I had. I still hold a bit of resentment for all the hell we went through.

You don't call her your wife, does this mean you aren't married?

If she can't give you a child and you are insistent on having your own, you have two options. A surrogate or moving on. I think what you are looking for is everyone to tell you it's okay. Do what works for you and try not to be an ass about it. That's all you can really do.

I feel like you already kind of know what you want to do but feel guilty for even thinking it, much less actually going through with it. I am not one of those people that says "run!" But in your case I honestly think you should cut your losses.

DH and I have discussed this before because I have an aunt and uncle who are in a situation much like this. My aunt (dad's sister)was married at 30. She had never had children before and had never been married. My uncle (her husband) had been married once and had three children from two different women. I was very young when they married and didn't know all of the specifics, but growing up I heard rumors about why they didn't have kids. Turns out, my uncle had had a vasectomy and never told my aunt even though he knew she wanted children. I don't know how my aunt has been able to stay with him all these years. In all honesty, I think she believed she was getting old and this was it for her. They have been married for about 20 yrs but they act more like roommates than husband and wife. Everything is divided, her things vs his things, her half vs his half, they are not affectionate or even interested in each other. They are cordial and polite at best. It is difficult to see. My aunt does not see her stepkids (they live out of state). No one in my family has ever met them. I don't know if this was a result of her and my uncle's problems or just her good luck.

DH asked me once what I would do if he couldn't have any more kids and I said that I would divorce him. I told him I couldn't raise HIS child with another woman knowing I would never have a child with him. He asked what I would do if I couldn't have children and the answer was the same. I have always wanted kids, but if it was something that just couldn't happen for me and my DH it would be something I could live w if I knew it was a burden we both had to bear. For better or for worse. But he already has a child and honestly he already has so much bagagge I could not handle another "for worse" especially if it was only a "for worse" for me. DH was a little upset when I told him I would divorce him if I was the one who couldn't have kids because he thought of it like a punishment, and why should he be punished if I am the one with the problem but that is not how I see it. The way I see it, SS is not my kid and never will be my kid. BM could (god forbid!) Pass on and he would still not be MY kid. I couldn't live w SS constantly "dad, dad, dad" and me never having someone call me "mom," it would kill me. And I can honestly say (as evil as this might make me) that I would resent SS everytime I saw him. I know this isn't his fault but seeing his face, knowing he is my husband's son and NOT mine, it would kill me to look at him and it would come down to, either I don't ever see SS again or I leave and I could not put that on DH and I could not do that to SS so I know the best thing would be for me to leave.

Just my 2 cents.

You are not selfish for wanting children of your own and the resentment is normal. Just remember that if you do choose to leave, she probably wants more children as well because it is just in us womens' dna to want to pop the little suckers out. Be gentle.

Just read your comment above mine and I think that you did exactly what you should. Life isn't always fair but dealing with hurtful honesty is much easier than dealing with dishonesty.