How young is too young for a boyfriend for SD13?
I am pretty concerned about this girl! My SD is only 13 and already has a boyfriend! I think this is too young, my parents didn't let me have a serious boyfriend till I was 15 and in high school! This girl is still only in 8th grade and is totally wrapped up in this guy! Fortunatley he is a nice boy and I like him.
But my SD has made this guy her whole life. And apperantly this is okay with her mom! I think her mom lives through this girl because she currently has no boyfriend or job or anything else going for her at the moment! I think she views this as a postive reflestion on her as a mother that some guy is interested in her percious daughter. Well this BM has 2 older girls ( they're both in their 20's now) both got pregnant as teenagers, have 2 different children by 2 different fathers! So she did a great job raising them! It seems like in their family all 3 of these women have to have they whole life revolve around some guy! And none of them have gone to college or made anything of themselves!
I am just worried about my SD. And my husband doesn't seemed concerned enough about this girl, his only daughter, in my opinion! He has always let this girl do whatever she wants whenever she wants and I am so sick of that! He really needs to pay attention to this girl and spend more time with her! We only have her every other weekend so I feel like we don't have enough influence over the situation! When this boyfriend is over at our house SD13 sits on the couch in our presense and just drapes herself all over this guy! And my husband notices and doesn't say a word! This is so inappropiate at this young age! She tells us that she does not make out with this guy, but I'm beginning not to believe her, actions speak louder them words!
I think me and my husband need to have another serious talk about this situation, me and him and with her! I don't want to have her end up being pregnant someday with no real future! Tis girl is on the honor role and has a real shot at being a college educated person, being a real contribtor to society someday! Not a drain on it like her mother, who has done nothing with her life but put her hand out for other people's money!
well, their determination of
well, their determination of what a 'boyfriend' constitutes at 13 is probably very different to what we think as adults. I would not allow them to go on dates etc, but if they are at school holding hands, how can you really stop that? I just used to say to SS now 15 when he would take about 'going out' with someone - you don't actually 'go anywhere' so you ain't going out with them!
I felt like this with my
I felt like this with my stepdaughter last year. Be careful, this behavior can get worse. My sd13 is proof. It's scary, we really want more for these kids than they want for themselves. I'm not sure where the culture of needing a man comes from, in our house it was a large influence from bm. She went a little nutty during the divorce, while on a bunch of dating sites, and stalking me and my now husband. I can understand, I just wish the kids hadn't seen the ugly. Be careful, help her, educate her on some of the dangers besides just pregnancy (stds, getting in situations you can't control, etc). I at least have tried this with my sd, but of course we have a very special set of circumstances since she is essentially a sociopath (per dr at the hospital). Just wanting better for these girls isn't enough, we really have to educate, and keep them busy with positive things. That's all I've got, and I hope you have better luck than we have.
Its not too old to have a BF
Its not too old to have a BF that is ONLY at school... or maybe that meets her at the movies with a group of friends. It is, however, too young to have a REAL boyfriend... one that you hang out with places alone - especially at someone's house, etc. My SD16 was that age when she was caught giving her BF oral sex. And, her BM didn't think having a boyfriend was a "big deal" either. SMH.
Actually, our scenario is
Actually, our scenario is very strange, or not, who knows. Bm was online dating before the split, dh and I started dating about 4 months after legal separation. I still feel guilty they weren't divorced yet, but am grateful we didn't wait. The divorce took almost 3 years. During this time, bm will admit she went a little nutty, left the kids with her mom, and went a bit wild. She let sd especially see that she had to have someone by letting sd help with her online dating profiles, showing sd stuff off my Facebook, before dh and I even dated (an aside here, he and I worked together about 2 years, never anything inappropriate). My point is, sd never saw it be ok to be single. Couple that with whatever the pressure is at school, and her mental issues, she is a powder keg. I think we are going try changing and eliminating one of the counselors. Hoping it helps. The girl is so smart, beautiful, and can be a real delight. Just seems like she doesn't want to be anything more than someone's girlfriend, that's her goal. I asked her in 6th grade when the talk of boyfriends first came up what a boyfriend was. She told me it was essentially someone that was there for you and you held hands with. Whew! That definition has changed.
Well this boyfriend is
Well this boyfriend is someone she hangs out with besides school! They seem to spend a lot of time together inside and outside school! They go to each others house and do homework together! More like my SD helps this guy with his homework, which is nice, but I would say she is a lot smarter then him. But he is a nice guy. Just as long as she keeps HER grades up we will keep letting that happen.
Well my mom tried to tell her that BF come and go but your girlfriends are always there for you! It kind of seems like she is blowing off her female friends to be with this guy. I'm just afraid that if they ever break up, she'll have no friends. Well sometimes that's a lesson you have to learn on your own!
I was really involved with my first boyfriend too, but of course I was 2 years older then she is! But I did end up losing some of my friends because I was spending too much time with him. But this was before cell phones, so I didn't stay in constant contact with my BF of the time. SD has her phone with her at all times so she can send and recieve texts from this guy! Seems a little overboard to me, but I guess that's how kids are today, at least some of them. I don't remember being so obsessed with communicating with my BF. I fell like I had more of a life.
But my SD is very involved with sports so maybe when her baseball practice and games start up in the Spring, they won't get to spend as much time together. I think a lot of people in our side of the family definately have our eye on her.
I think this is a serious relationship for her, my dad saw her, BF and another "couple" at the movies the other day, so they do go on dates!
Thanks for all the advice and for letting me vent!
Yeah, this isn't about age at
Yeah, this isn't about age at all...it's about appropriate boundaries. I homeschool, but have my kids in TONS of activities. My daughter has a bf (she is 10, he is almost 11) whom she never sees because they are in between theatre productions right now. But they are so cute! My son has a crush on an older girl, but has had a couple of girlfriends in the past. It is purely innocent stuff.
What your sd is doing is only happening because her parents are letting her. And if they are doing that in front of the parents...what are they doing when they are alone? I say...keep kids too busy to have time for sex LOL. It worked for me!
^^^This. A busy kid is a kid
^^^This. A busy kid is a kid who has less time to get into trouble (of all sorts). I also found that having ongoing talks about their future goals/dreams (and what the effects of a teen pregnancy could be) helped them see that there were other choices in life for them. Made it clear that I wouldn't kick them to the curb, but I would expect them to help provide for any child they created - physically, emotionally and financially. So they could each forget going away to college - they'd be in CC at best, and working.
Luckily, we had an open enough relationship that they knew they could come to me when/if they were ready to become sexually active and know I wouldn't freak out on them, but help them make sure they were protected.
My son had a girl he really, really liked at 13, but she shot him down. He started dating (a girl in the neighborhood whose family I knew) at 14. My daughter had her first "b/f" at 10. Little boy across the street. They played together, did homework together... "went out" to dinner (with his Mom and I sitting a few tables over). It was sweet, and innocent, and a really nice introduction to her on how to expect to be treated.
Dating earlier doesn't have to be bad. I won't go into details, but neither of mine were sexually active until they were older teens.
I would urge Dad to talk to his daughter. It doesn't HAVE to be embarrassing. For either of them. It may be awkward at first, especially if they don't have a history of open discussion about "stuff". But it's doable - if he cares enough about her future. Unfortunately, your voice of reason may well be floating out in the wind if neither of her parents backs you up.
"We only have her every other
"We only have her every other weekend so I feel like we don't have enough influence over the situation"!
You got that right but the father should dod what he can if for no other reason that when this girl falls pregnant like the others he can wash his hands saying 'I did what I could' with a clear conscience.
I had some cousin on my mothers side who birthed a girl at 16 and the girl did the same. Grandmother at 32. I've lost track of them but wonder if she was a 'great' by age 48 and a great-great at 64 and on her way to great-great-great at 80.
I was under the impression
I was under the impression that my husband had't really talked to her lately, but I was wrong! We've had 2 big discussions lately about this situation! I know he does really care about her.
I appreciate all Cheri Wilson nad others have advised me to do! Yes it is hard being a SM and feeling that I can't really do much about this! But I think I will try talking to her sometime causally sometime. I know she really likes to scrap book with me and will try to strike up a conservation with her while we are doing that! My mom has also talked to her, so she does have at least 2 women to help.
I suggested to my husband that he takes his daughter out on his own so she gets his full attention, I know she likes spending time with him alone. So maybe he can talk to her again about this situation. Maybe more attention from him will help! He sure doesn't want her to get pregnant.
If I see the inappropiate contact on the couch again I may say something. I wonder if she is seeing how much she can get away with. That kind of stuff is not okay with me, especially at 13!