You are here

How to disengage advice needed please .......

LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE's picture

Submitted by LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 8:34am

Forums: 
General Discussion

Hi there everyone Biggrin

It's time ..... for my own sanity and to gain back my self respect and to get back to living my own life.

I cannot keep banging my head on a brick wall - so i have decided it is time to 'disengage' from this toxic mess. (Before i go stir crazy Blum 3 )

How do you approach your partner about disengaging, how do you say it to him without him getting 'arsy', defensive and taking it personally.

How can it be done successfully and as pain free as possible.

Your expertise and advice would be very welcome please and thankyou lovely ladies Biggrin xxxx

giveitago's picture

Submitted by giveitago on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 9:07am

It's never easy. I just flat out told the twins here, they yelled disrespectfully down the stairs to me 'you're not our mom so we don't have to do as you say' so I agreed with them. Likewise, I do not have to do the good 'mom' things. DH heard every word and did not disagree with me.
The biggest issue I had was actually being a mom of three I was instinctively a 'mom' and I had to stop and think several times...or I would have re engaged! I am not rude to them, though they still sometimes disrespect me but that's the sort of people they are...nothing to do with me personally.
If you are going to discuss it with DH first, which is a good idea, then I'd suggest something along the lines of 'I'm feeling frustrated right now. Maybe I am not ready to go 'all the way' with being a parent yet, can we take it more slowly?'

WitchiePoo's picture

Submitted by WitchiePoo on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 9:11am

I'm new at this disengaging stuff, but I never actually had a discussion with DH about it.I just (1) stopped being the referee and disciplinarian for skids, which forced him to do it, and (2) learned to say "Go ask your father," "That's your father's decision," "Check with your dad," etc. I've really started acting like his wife and not their mother. I might be wishful thinking, but I think he appreciates me more since I've been handing it all to him, and his kids are a little better behaved because they know they can't push him very far.

And let's face it. They're HIS kids, so he SHOULD be the point person for anything to do with skids.

Also, I have a laptop and headphones when things get too chaatic. And earplugs. And a fish story about "I'm doing something for work and I have a DEADLINE!" }:)

LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE's picture

Submitted by LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE on Mon, 01/28/2013 - 1:41pm

Thank you soo much for your comment and advice - YES you are right she is his daughter - his daughter - his daughter - he is a wimp - he is a wimp - he is a wimp }:) Blum 3 xxx

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 9:18am

I see from your profile that you do not live with him and the children are practically grown. I presume that is still the situation.

It's easy for you - don't do anything for them. Don't ask about them. Don't buy gifts. Change the subject when he brings them up. Do not plan or participate in any activities with them.

If your SO really wants to spend all of his time away from you with the kids - well you really don't have a relationship just maybe a convenient "booty call".

LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE's picture

Submitted by LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE on Mon, 01/28/2013 - 1:45pm

Hi there - you presume right - nearly lived there last year but his daughter put a stop to that Sad

We will see what happens - I just cannot do this anymore - and i will NOT be just a convenient 'booty call' for anyone - no way - no how !!!!!! :sick:

Thank you for your advice and taking time to read my post xx

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 10:49am

Due to the ages of the SKIDs, and that they do not live with you, it should be relatively easy for you to disengage. But whatever you do, do NOT announce to your partner that you are doing so. Partners can see it as a hostile action against their offspring. Just do it gradually and stealthily, is my advice. Here is some stuff that may help: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Good luck.

LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE's picture

Submitted by LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE on Mon, 01/28/2013 - 1:48pm

Thank you so much for responding to my post ...... alas my SO is hostile everytime i say anything about her at all ''sigh''.

Thank you for the link - i will read and memories. Blum 3

LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE's picture

Submitted by LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE on Mon, 01/28/2013 - 1:49pm

Thank you for your response - it is appreciated - hope your disengaging is going well for you Blum 3 xx

mimi719's picture

Submitted by mimi719 on Mon, 01/28/2013 - 9:11pm

It's been tested today and I expect many more tests. I know I wasn't happy before, so I am going keep at this.

LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE's picture

Submitted by LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE on Mon, 01/28/2013 - 1:55pm

Thanks for advice and warning - i am willing to try anything at this stage - i like you am now a small factor now in this relationship (over 10 years).

OMG how hard are steps - particularly daughters (his 19 yr old son is fab).

Where do these daughters get off being such manipulating / entitled / petulant / spoilt brats??

I have a daughter and an ex husband :? they have never ever given me so much heart ache as this almost 17 year old and her parents have.

Good luck and best wishes to you Biggrin xx

notagain2012's picture

Submitted by notagain2012 on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 2:42pm

I made it easy on EVERYONE. (we don't live together) I disengaged from all of them. I just started doing my own thing. And when SO asked why so distant, why does he feel such and such.

I told him I was sorry, I love him, but there are many things and the way he handles them that are causing me stress and ripping me of my sanity. He decided he wanted to be in my life, and that's when the real work started. And every since, it has been slowly improving.

LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE's picture

Submitted by LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE on Mon, 01/28/2013 - 1:56pm

Thank you - ^^^^^ i hear you ^^^^.

Time to pick up my life again Wink

Hope it is continuing to improve for you Biggrin xx

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 3:34pm

It's mental. You just bite your tongue.

Unless a kid is starting a fire on the living room floor you ignore what they're saying and doing. I don't mean rudely - but if they don't empty the trash you let Daddy discover it. If they sass Daddy you let him handle it even if his handling is to ignore it. Every permission they ask is referred to Daddy. Daddy at work and has made it clear he is not to be bother at work? Too bad.

You may find that once the kids realize you don't give a damn they'll change their attitude and when it seems appropriate you can re-engage to the degree you wish. Your call on that. By disengaging you take all their power over you away. It vanishes.

Billions of kids grow up just fine without your help and so will his.

LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE's picture

Submitted by LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE on Mon, 01/28/2013 - 1:59pm

Thank you OCC i think :?

Who are you??

What role do you have ???

I am never sure who you are or whether what you have to say i helpful or not :?

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Sun, 01/27/2013 - 6:19pm

I wrote my thoughts out in letter form with a complete list of things I would not do and an eviction date for SD then 16. Im down to 17 months now...cant wait.
But whoever said above about how their decisions, conversations, deals and negotiations will not include you and that you just have to roll with.

LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE's picture

Submitted by LOSTTHEWILTOLIVE on Mon, 01/28/2013 - 2:01pm

Blum 3 Did you give your partner the letter??

Thank you for your post - good luck to you re your eviction date }:) xx